WELCOME TO YOUR COMMUTER RAILROAD. This guide will help you complete your daily commute with a minimum of stress and aggravation. Remember, if you SEE something, SAY something, just don't say it to any of your fellow commuters, since many are serious businessmen who might bring a lawsuit for harrassment.

SCHEDULE OF TRAINS: Your Commuter Railroad schedules many trains during the day. Many passengers find that each has its own distinct personality. Here's a list of our most popular commuter specials.

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5:14 a.m.: THE POSTAL WORKER (local, connections to all terminals)

Our first train of the morning consists of 10 "deathly quiet" cars, so please maintain a low-volume decorum. A quick glance around will show that many of the 5:43 passengers are indeed the postal workers for which the train is named. Be alert: these workers can be very short-tempered, due to the onerous conditions under which they labor, which tends to inspire violence. That might be your reaction, too, if your chair was required to be exactly 14" from your desk at all times.

5:43 a.m. THE PENDING FAILURE (express, stops at Federal Plaza, Bankruptcy Court, and County Psychiatric Center)

Named for the desperate hours preferred by many of the patrons of this train, THE PEND (as regulars call it) carries white-collar executives to their offices just as the maintenance people are leaving. This just-after-dawn crowd just can't seem to get enough of working, perhaps because their professional lives are crumbling around them with every waking moment. Recognize PEND riders by their creased brows, dark-circled eyes and well-thumbed bankruptcy subpoenas. Best to avoid the bathrooms on this train, though. More than one regular has made his "final commute" by hanging from the convenient coat hook.

6:19 a.m., 6:44 a.m. THE EARTH-SHAKERS 1 & 2. (express only, no intermediate stops.) Singapore's markets may be closing, and London's fast asleep, but Easy Street's biggest and baddest money-movers are out in force on this pair of lux commuter carriers. Your Commuter Railroad has pulled out all the stops to make econo-titans feel right at home: leather upholstery, organic citrus juices, and a special "pole" room complete with loin-lunging all-nude "trading assistants" Bambi, Siddharta, and Bodacious Benina Bernanke who really get traders' testosterone pumpin'. No intrusive conductors on these trains, either; we let Bambi, Sid and BBB "punch your ticket" in a separate commercial transaction. What happens on Your Commuter RR stays in Your Commuter RR, gents!

7:34 a.m. ORDER IN THE COURT (stops in City Center, connect to state and local penitentiaries.) We've put extra care into this barristers-only special train so our attorney riders can feel right at home. Nicknamed "The Shark's Tank" by regulars, many of our customers find themselves locked in legal battle with their seatmates before ride's end. Look for the Civil Law car at the head end of the train, and the Criminal Law car at the tail. The remaining eight center cars are reserved for embezzelers of escrow accounts (arrive early; these seats fill fast.)

8:07 a.m., 8:34 a.m., 8:58 a.m. THE SHEEP, LAMB & LEMMING (local to all midtown terminals) Our most popular commuter specials, The S-L&L carries the Average Man and Compliant Lady to their Average Middle Management Offices across the tri-state region. If you're a bread-and-butter type, you'll be able to kick up your feet (ATTENTION: NO SHOES ON SEATS), lean back (NOTICE: IT IS PROHIBITED TO RECLINE IN TRAIN SEATS) and relax (SLEEPING ON TRAINS IS DANGEROUS AND GROUNDS FOR EJECTION.) Friendly conductors will help you on your way (SPEAKING TO TRAIN PERSONNEL IS A VIOLATION OF FEDERAL LAW) as you view the approaching towers of the metropolis (PHOTOGRAPHY STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. SUBJECT TO ARREST AND PROSECUTION). Then just follow the crowd and do as you're told.

10:22 a.m. THE GHOST TRAIN (local; you're not in a hurry, anyway.) When careers have fizzled and youthful vigor has given way to hopeless decrepitude, many riders are ready for the increasingly popular GHOST. It runs Monday-Friday, carrying faded relics of previously successful businessmen looking for that one last gasp before well-deserved myocardial infarction. Most cars on the GHOST are designated quiet "despair" coaches, stocked with yesterday's newspapers- complimentary, of course. The head end car is reserved for wheezing, and making frantic but unsuccessful calls to former colleagues who can't seem to place the callers' names. Look out for old friends-many passengers have formerly ridden the 5:43 a.m. PENDING FAILURE.

Remember: Your Commuter Railroad is the fast and easy way to work, death and taxes. Ride us for all we're worth!® ...read more blogs