SUPER CONVENIENCE SIZE: Ketchup Bottle Capacity as an Indicator of Marital Discord (Shadwell, E; Tupperton, M; Bauman, E.)

ABSTRACT:

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In a study of 358 households of American suburban dwellers, the capacity of ketchup bottles was seen as an uncannily accurate indicator of marital discord. Test subjects were interviewed at the Stress and Anxiety Tolerance Study Center at the University of New Hampshire, Shrewsbury Campus. Condiment packaging was evaluated by infrared spectrometer reading and magnetic resonance testing.

METHODOLOGY:

In vitro observation of domestic life had, in previous studies, yielded anecdotal evidence of marital stress and premature aging in a wide range of suburban populations.

When kitchen areas were surveyed in subjects' homes, a direct correlation was seen between marital behavior and ketchup bottle size. The larger the ketchup bottles, the greater the marital discord. Bottles of ketchup with a capacity of 16 fluid ounces represented the smallest end of the range; marital discord was judged to be slightly above the mean, but well within normal tolerances. As capacities increased--48 oz., 96 oz., 128 oz., and up to 640 oz. (five gallons, requiring two sets of handles and a dolly)--Marital Stress Syndrome (MSS) was seen to increase to a point requiring lengthy hospitalization.

Marital Stress Syndrome can be categorized by severity as follows:

CATEGORY 1: 16 oz. -- 48 oz.

Married couples experiencng Category 1 MSS were observed to display the following symptoms: Dark circles under the eyes; pasty complexions; torpor; irritability; tendency to re-use verbal constructions such as "Move your butt, jackass." Accompanying characteristics often included: sagging flesh around the hips and buttocks (in women); frizzy hair (in women and men); localized cranial hair loss (men only.)

Male subjects reported observing eye-rolling, deep sighs and sarcasm in their spouses, while female subjects cited inattention to household affairs, excessive reading of the newspaper and an apparent inability to replace the cap on the toothpaste tube.

CATEGORY 2: 54 oz. -- 108 oz.

Ketchup container size in this group was linked to a lockstep progression of both ketchup use and increased spousal irritability.

Male test subjects reported snide remarks from their heretofore loving spouses pertaining to physical characteristics and weight gain. Examples provided included "You can't drink all that beer and not have it go somewhere;" "You were no great catch back then; today you'd be breaking the damn fishing pole;" "If I wanted to marry a whale, I would've dated Moby Dick;" and, most strikingly, "Easkimos might like blubber, but we ain't [sic] [expletive deleted] Eskimos."

Female subjects were not unaffected. Reported spousal wisecracks were common, with the following notable: "Hey, Ice Queen, no time to defrost tonight?" "I thought the mammoth was extinct;" and, interestingly, "Will the kids have to become cannibals or are we gonna eat?"

CATEGORY 3: 128 oz. --

As ketchup container sizes exceeded the known universe of package sizes, marital stress likewise entered uncharted territory. Subjects in this category displayed symptoms similar to those observed in inmates of maximum-security penitentiaries: frequent vacant stares, affectless facial expressions, nervous tics and constant pacing. Communication between spouses seemed to cease, though researchers were made aware on more than one occasion of a possible extra-sensory route of informational transference.

Accompanying pathology included hernia (traceable to enormous wheel-mounted ketchup dispensers), back pain and carpal tunnel syndrome. We speculate that this last condition has something to do with excessive hamburger consumption.

RECOMMENDATIONS

Marital Stress Syndrome is a serious threat to our society. The causal relationship between ketchup bottle size and severity of symptoms cannot be ignored. After eliminating co-morbidities and other factors, our conclusion -- inescapable, obvious and necessary -- requires us to recommend that ketchup bottle sizes be regulated and controlled by Federal statute. Possession of ketchup should require a mandatory training program and government-issued license, similar to that for operating earth-moving equipment.

While the exact mechanism of action is still unclear, there can no longer be any doubt about the validity of our initial hypothesis: The bigger the ketchup bottle, the more likely married couples are at risk for unacceptable stress and discord.

As an aside, researchers noted that children are often present in households of families with large ketchup bottles. There was no attempt in this study to investigate any possible connection between the presence of children in the family and marital stress, which--on first glance--seems unlikely, considering the unbreakable bond between parents and offspring. We discourage any further study in this area, since everything is already known. ...read more blogs