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B-Rant- submitted by Anthony Savona on 06/19/2007Throw Out Your DeadContributing Writer: Anthony Savona Fortunately, it doesn't occur too often, but it has happened a handful of times during my 13-plus years of suburban home ownership. I've gotten better at handling it over the years, but that doesn't make it any more pleasant. It just happened again to me last week with a dead bird, and, like with any death, I went through the classic five stages. Denial: When I first spied it I hoped it was just sleeping. Birds sleep on lawns in broad daylight all the time, right? Anger: By the next day, I knew it wasn't sleeping anymore. It was dead and I was pissed that it decided to make it my problem by expiring here Bargaining: I was expecting the lawn guys to come and mow the next day. I'd leave the bird a little longer. Maybe they'd take care of it. If not, then I'll do it. Depression: Lawn guys leave, bird remains. Crap. Acceptance: I get shovel in one hand and garbage bag in the other and get down to business. I remember my first dead animal experience vividly. Like any good suburbanite, I was using a leaf blower to clear my deck of anything not heavy or nailed down, when something hanging under my siding went whack, thump, flop into my window well. My deck is built around the window well, so we have a removable wooden cover over the well so we can access it when needed and not have children falling into it when we don't. The object bounced right through the slats in the cover and into the well. Peering between the slats, I could see a baby bat clinging to the side of my foundation. Having never seen a bat outside of a zoo before, and not believing there were any in my area (I was wrong, obviously), I thought perhaps it was one of my kids' toys that I just happened to never see before. (See Stage 1: Denial.) I still took the precaution to look around and make sure there wasn't a momma bat around waiting to swoop down and kick my ass for blowing her baby into a hole. I came out the next morning and peered into the well again. The bat was still there. So I thought to myself: He must be stuck and can't get out. I'm a genius, right? So I took the cover off the window well and walked away. I came back an hour later, and the bat was still there. Ah, you idiot, I thought to myself, it's daylight-he's sleeping. So I put the cover back on, coming back after dark to take it off again. Day three of the Bat Incident. I come out in the morning to make sure he's gone and put the cover back on. But he was still there. Great, I thought to myself, he must like living in there. Fortunately, I'm a genius: Tonight, after he flies out, I'll sneak out and put the cover back on so he can't get in. Yes, I'm a fully functioning adult. Why do you ask? Anyway, when I snuck out at night with my flashlight, I saw that he was still in the window well...in pretty much the same position he'd been in for the last three days. That's when I realized he was dead. So what do you do with a dead bat? I called animal control for help. I explained my problem and waited for their experienced insight, which said words remarkably similar to "get a garbage bag and throw it out." So there I was with a garbage bag and two snow shovels (I'll explain in a minute). The window well is right below my dining room window, and, in a very masculine tone I instructed my wife to keep my young son away from the window. The implication was that I didn't want him to see the dead bat, but, really, I didn't want him to see me making that oooh, icky face as I dragged the thing up. The well was about a foot and half deep. I didn't want to touch the thing -- even with gloves -- so I decided to use the two snow shovels like salad tongs and scoop him out (the well wasn't wide enough for me to get away with a single shovel). Using one shovel, I knocked the bat from the side of my foundation into the leaves lying on the bottom of the well. I placed the shovel down about an inch away from him, which caused a Rube-Goldberg combination of leaf moves that resulted in the bat's wing moving, which resulted in me jumping back about three feet. Once again certain that the bat was dead, I renewed my efforts. Using the two shovels to gently lift the bat and place it the bag I had laid out for it. As you can see, there's a big difference between my first dead animal encounter and my most recent one. The things that remain the same are that dead animals are both gross and a nuisance. I hope that this doesn't happen to you or that, if it does, the things dies close enough to your property line that a quick flick will make it your neighbor's problem.... ...read more rants   i had a squirrel die on our - submitted by squirrely on 06/19/2007
i had a squirrel die on our lawn and it took us 2 weeks, yuk, to remove him. my husband was more pathetic than i. finally we used a shovel and put him at the curb. i dread the next time. My Dead Animal - submitted by Marky on 06/20/2007
About a year ago, I bought my first home (well first home out of the City). During our first winter our elderly snowbird neighbor asked us to watch his house while he enjoyed the sun in Florida. Sure enough a gigantic dead deer appeared on his side lawn. We called the town only to be told that if the animal was on private property, it was our problem. If it was on the road, then they would take care of it. There was a kind of wink-wink in the town guy's voice, so we knew what we had to do. So, the question was: how do we push a dead and decaying deer weighing hundreds of pounds out to the street? I had already called the town, so there was no doubt it had to make it past the curb. So I called the twenty-something nephew and got back up from a local High Schooler. The project was quite disgusting and we had no choice but to smash a couple of hedges during the operation. Anyway, now the deer is at the curb and the twenty-something nephew suddenly has a "Jackass" moment and plans a little project with the dead deer. Even though I'm forty-something I also have been known to have my Jackass-moments. A quick trip to the Shed got us the giant axe I had bought some weeks before in the mistaken belief that Axes were used to get rid of downed tree limbs. (It turns out that giant tree limbs are thrown into the woods over the back fence. I have no idea what ridiculously heavy axes are actually for!) Out came the digital camera and we each took turns posing with the dead deer, pretending that we had just brought it down with the axe and were about to chop it in little pieces. As I stood with the Axe poised in the air over the rotting corpse and my nephew held the digital camera, a neighbor I had yet to meet drove by. Seeing the new guy on the block they slowed down and smiled. Obviously they were about to stop and introduce themselves. Then they took in the Grand Guignol scene unfolding before them. Their faces turned white with mortal fear and they floored the car. I chased after them, forgetting I was holding the axe. I have yet to set the record straight with that neighbor. Brown Lexus family, if you're reading this please note that the new guy is not really a dismemberer. I was just helping a neighbor out. Marky, that is a hilarious - submitted by Anonymous on 06/20/2007
Marky, that is a hilarious story! I showed a couple friends, they're still laughing. Thank you. LOL Marky, do you still have - submitted by photoguy on 06/20/2007
Marky, do you still have copies of the photos? I'd love to see them. Marky, if you have the pics - submitted by B-TEAM on 06/20/2007
Marky, if you have the pics and want to submit them, they sound great. Think the Burbia community would enjoy them, and we'll tee them right up. Up to you. We can also include your story with them! Thnx. B-Team. Gruesome Photo - submitted by Marky on 06/20/2007
The one of me actually never got taken, but I do have some earlier photos of the nephew swinging the deadly tool. I'll blur out his face... I'm sending them in, but I wonder if they're too gross for this site? I had a similar experience - submitted by deerchaser on 06/20/2007
I had a similar experience with a bird. It was dead, I knew it was dead, but I kept convincing myself it MIGHT not be. Finally, after avoiding getting rid of it for weeks, I see my 2 year son carrying it around. Arhhhh! In like 2 seconds I lost my fear, grabbed that bird and tossed it in the garbage. Ever since then, I've just got on with it. Dead squirrels. We once found 5 dead frogs on our driveway. How could frogs be there? But I'm like a mountain man now. Send in the bears and I'll grab them too! Love the part about the bat - submitted by Anonymous on 06/20/2007
Love the part about the bat wings moving from the leaves. Same thing happened to me with a raccoon in my backyard. I screamed and my husband came out and he looked at and he just walked away. He was as grossed out as I was. We got our gardeners to take care of it. I hate hate hate dead - submitted by Anonymous on 06/20/2007
I hate hate hate dead animals in my yard. I'd marry someone right now if he could guarantee he'd happily take care of them every time. I live near woods, so every week or 2 there's a new animal corpse gift for me. I hate it. I said that, right? Hate you guys are all wimps. - submitted by Anonymous on 06/20/2007
you guys are all wimps. what's wrong with you? so am i, what's wrong with me. we're pathetic, afraid of a dead squirrel or bird. anybody got an extra couple shovels? lol This story was funny. I'm - submitted by suburbanhousemom on 06/20/2007
This story was funny. I'm still laughing about the bat and his moving wing. Dead animals are not so - submitted by Anonymous on 06/20/2007
Dead animals are not so bad...I used to skin dead birds for the orthinology lab during college and then stuff them (a job not usually associated with young women like me, in my opinion). Although, I would not know what to do with a dead deer on my property...I don't think I would've gotten an axe and taken pictures of myself with it. LOL. bats are icky creatures. i - submitted by virginiagal on 06/21/2007
bats are icky creatures. i don't care what size they are, my reaction is to want to get miles away from them. we had a bat family in our attic and it took an army of supposed experts to finally remove them. bats remind me of my ex-husband, don't know why. he never would go up to the attic, a real fraidy-bat. sorry. loved it - submitted by Anonymous on 06/21/2007
It is too funny you MEN are so afraid of dead animals. I have a cat that brings in a bird at least twice a month and I just put on gloves pick it up and put in a bag and then in the trash outside. It reminds me of when I was married, my ex was afraid of everything it seemed. Even to kill a spider. What is that all about guys? OH well, must be that country living I had as a child that makes me not flinch when there is some offering brought to me by my cat. They cannot hurt you their dead okay? Have a great day! Funny story. I dated a man - submitted by Anonymous on 06/21/2007
Funny story. I dated a man who was afraid of mice. It was cute at first, then it got old. If I see a dead mouse I pick it up and throw it away. If my man can't do that because he's too busy crying, I'm pretty sure he can't do more important things. I dumped him. My husband does - submitted by eyesopen on 06/21/2007
My husband does construction, he's one of toughest men I've ever met, but he doesn't like the dead birds and such in our backyard. So what? He's definitely a man, trust me, and picking up dead things has nothing to do with. dead animals - submitted by Becky on 06/21/2007
I lived in an apartment that had a major bat problem, after years I got used to getting rid of all of the dead ones that I found. We bought a house this year and right away I found a dead bat in the basement. Not being too worried about it, I reached for it ( no gloves or anything, thought it was all dried up). Well, it was no where near dead. I screamed like crazy, and wouldn't go back into the basement for a very long time! dead animals...yuck - submitted by Anonymous on 06/21/2007
Ive had sooo many dead animals, I could open a museum. A dead snake the dog brought into the house, several mice, birds and chipmunks the cat brought in. A dead bunny Im guessing the dog thought was a toy. Oh and the worst was the dead bird in the pool skimmer. Half a deer the dog drug home from god knows where...Thank God I have two sons and a husband to remove them...I hate dead things. I think a museum for dead - submitted by CURATOR on 06/22/2007
I think a museum for dead yard animals makes sense. One in every state. Well, two for the big states. just read this, a good - submitted by jacker on 06/23/2007
just read this, a good laugh. me, i don't have the patience for shovels. give me a baggie and that bat's out of there 2 seconds flat i like the title, throw out - submitted by Anonymous on 06/23/2007
i like the title, throw out your dead. lo Throw Out Your Dead - submitted by Anonymous on 06/24/2007
Your a mindless prick! I hope you die on someone's lawn. It Was Entertaining - submitted by Anonymous on 07/16/2007
It was done in good humor, everything dies. And to be honest, I don't want to touch dead animals or anything alike. Such things shouldn't be taken so seriously; this is directed to "Throw Out Your Dead". By the way, I see no reason to use such language such as 'prick'.  |
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