- submitted by J.Glarsten on 10/06/2007
Bed Bath & Beyond: Stop Sending Us Those F***ing 20% Discount Cards
An Open Letter To Bed Bath & Beyond
Mr. Arthur Stark
President, Bed, Bath & Beyond, Inc.
Dear Mr. Stark:
We have a fantasy. One day this week, just one, we'd love not to receive in the mail that 20% discount card….you know, the one that says we get 20% off of any single item in the store, the one that comes every day (sometimes twice a day; by the way, how do you pull that off--you have your own discount card mail service?).
We have no strong feelings about BB&B. (Though we are a little shaky about the name. It’s a bit retro-crystal-far out-Twilight-Zoney, no? This is 2007, not 1972. Beyond what? Yes, the bedroom and bathroom. But how far beyond? And, really, what does it mean? Just because your competitor, Linens-n-Things, has adopted an equally dopey ethereal name -- "n" "things"?; apparently they think their target customers are 6-year olds? -- doesn't mean you have to.)
The thing is, on getting so many of your cards...as much as we might like to consider buying that 50th bathroom rug or soap dish or set of “casual-chic” dessert spoons, we're just not going to. We're not a hotel or spa resort. We wish we were. But, we live in a house. We've got a few bathrooms, a couple showers. If we're lucky, we've got a bath. So what, really, are you thinking? Other than stupid. Our garbage-recycling bins are already full (from Crate and Barrel catalogs). We’ve already collected enough of your cards to supply landfill for the average Superfund toxic waste site.
Another minor point. (By the way, where do you get your marketing team, The Institute For The Really Stupid?) We don’t live anywhere near a BB&B. And yea, you guessed it, the cards you send us are only good for in-store purchases (and only 1 discount per visit). So, let’s see, you’re hoping we’ll drive the 2 hours round-trip daily to get our 20% off that great new carrot peeler? Earth to BB&B. Gas is not free. And those road trips?....Not likely!
So, our fantasy is a one day moratorium. But what we really want, and we don’t think it’s asking too much, is no more cards. None. Stop sending us the f***ing cards.
It almost makes us long for the good old days, when we received "free" AOL discs in the mail every 3 hours. At least those we could throw against the curb and shatter, or toss randomly into irritating neighbors' open windows on the way to work; or heave across parking lots in wild neighborhood competitions to see who could get closest to the warehouse dumpsters. That was fun. But your cards, flimsy crappy cardboard, just sink to the ground when we fling them. And burning them, which we’ve done of course, is just not practical. Our town’s been cracking down on all-night ritualistic bon fire parties.
So...please, enough. We've asked the Post Office not to deliver them to us anymore. But they say they have to. (Besides, the mail carriers say, they're spending most of their own free time getting rid of their discount cards; they're not about to do it for the rest of town.)
We look forward to not hearing back from you. Ever.
Yours,
People Who Don’t Need Any More
Shower Curtains Or Place Mats
Or Mugs with Flowers on Them
...read more rants
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