B-Rant

- submitted by M.B.Darden on 01/23/2008

Hey, Hollywood Writers, Good Riddance!

Contributing Writer: M.B.Darden

Dear Writers:

You had us at, hello you're not getting House or 24 or The Wire anymore...even, almost, we're not going to be exploited by those mega media companies (which, really trust us, are more money-grubbing & intelligence-robbing than we are). But then, to coincide with Martin Luther King's birthday, you did something truly idiotic, even by your standards -- you organized a protest picket line & rally at Paramount Studios. You crossed a real line and, thank you, you helped wake us up...made us recognize, We Don't Need You or Give A S**t About Your "rights."

Hollywood Writers, good riddance, get lost, we're glad we hardly knew you.

Here's why...

1. January 21, 2008 Martin Luther King's Birthday Holiday
Like we said, You (Writers) staged a protest rally, marching around Paramount Studios. You deliberately, publicly, linked yourselves to the Civil Rights struggle. You officially lost what little of your minds -- not to mention integrity -- you once may have had. Note to writers: most of you are hacks; you write TV shows & movies in committee that too often are barely watchable by most reasonably intelligent sensate adults (and/or slightly above average post-pubescent 13 year olds). Even those of you who aren't hacks -- and there are some...you're not civil rights or worker martyrs. You're not striking miners whose lives were/are threatened every day you go to work. You're not even the f***ing doormen striking in NYC whose jobs consist mostly, as far as I can tell, of standing by an open door and staring vacantly into space. You're, for the most part, crappy (pedestrian) writers who get paid incomprehensibly large wads of money to write crappy to (pedestrian) stuff. [FYI -- You want more money from those bad media companies? Fine. No problem; I'm all for it. But shut up about it. Stop crying. Stop talking to the press, planting articles, doing interviews. We don't need to see, hear, read you in the media, on TV, online, whining, acting like real struggling laborers.]

2. George Clooney. Nothing Against You, But....
I have nothing against George Clooney. He's a good (not great) actor. He seems pretty smart, sometimes thoughtful; he seems to be against poverty and war and people living on streets in cardboard boxes and a lot of other things that make people unhappy. He's also possibly one of the top 10 babe magnets of the past century -- and I, many of us, respect (and envy) him for that. But, when he announces publicly -- encouraged by You, his movie & TV Writer friends -- that he's willing to "step in" and mediate a settlement to this wrenching, disturbing prolonged strike, acting like it's the equivalent of settling the conflicts in Africa, the Middle East, well, that takes it too far (and makes some of us with weak stomachs want to throw up).

You, abused oppressed Hollywood Writers don't need hero George to step in. We need hero George to stop making those inane, stupider-than-wood, only-for-money Ocean's 11 movies. The first one nearly sucked...the rest, look, they are what they are (but theatrical movies?). Why not just get all your Hollywood friends together, sit around your living room, act really cool and wise-assy, like you're about the best humans on the planet, and get the Studios to pay you millions for that -- it would probably be equally entertaining. Anyway, if George wants to help the Writers, fine. But when it's presented as something worthy of on-high intervention, public proclamations -- what's next, a holiday in honor of... -- self-righteous Hollywood "rights" babble...you're basically just shooting yourselves in the feet (which, from my point of view, isn't necessarily a bad thing...in fact, ever think about aiming a little higher?)

3. Reality Check, News Flash: Most of Your Shows Suck
Yes, we (OK, I) like and even miss a handful of TV shows -- Hollywood movies are still coming out; but can't say there are too many I'd miss if some started getting delayed. But, there are TV shows I like -- House, Friday Night Lights, The Wire, Dexter, The Office, others. I look forward to their return. But for most of you, you don't write those shows; do you ever watch what you write? Have you ever seen Cavemen or According to Jim or Private Practice? Did you really take a look at Cane, Drive; and gems like Commander in Chief, Jake in Progress, Come to Papa and Listen Up? Even -- I know, sacrilege; it's HBO -- John from Cincinnati? They're hard to sit through for a few seconds minutes; you should try it. You might then ratchet down your righteous rage (at least spare us the public angst), start getting a little grateful you're getting paid at all so much (hmm, $100,000+ for draft scripts for Cavemen, pretty brutal), and find some reasonable middle ground with the companies that lord over you. After all -- not to rub it in -- the Hollywood Directors (as self-absorbed, narcissistic a group you'll meet) have solved their grievances with those companies; they've settled. And you didn't hear them screaming at the top of the mountain all along on how violated and abused and oppressed they've been. In fact, most of us didn't know they were negotiating. Take it from them: Shut up.

4. Late Night TV -- It's Better Without You
Leno, Conan. They're fine. I'd rather they have to improvise -- they're actually funny, clever -- than read scripts from most of you. Leno used to be a great (sometimes original) stand-up comic. O'Brien, cutting edge. Not having all their writer "cushions"...it's going to make them better. Which is better for us (not you). Letterman -- he's got his writers. Carson Daly -- he's un-watchable either way; so who gives a s**t about him and some of the others.

5. Note To Writers: DVDs, Ever Hear Of Them?
Guess what, we can get pretty good entertainment right now watching 100s of shows (1000s of episodes) from the past few years & decades on DVD. Seinfeld? It's a little better than Cavemen or October Road or (God, yes) Two and a Half Men. Law & Order's been on for, what, 200 years? Its earlier seasons are better than the ones now--I calculated it; we could spend decades catching up on L&O before worrying about the return of Grey's Anatomy which, among its many other unwatchabilities, features a guy (T.R. Knight; uh, gay or not gay or both -- who cares!) who, whatever his sexuality, is as interesting-appealing as mulch and who, in the show, has two vibrant passionate women -- including 1 of the hottest babes in America, Katherine Heigl -- fighting over who can have sex with him first.

So many great shows we could spend years watching. ER...used to be excellent. Without A Trace -- again, way better in its earlier seasons. NYPD Blue, 24, Cheers, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Hill Street Blues, The Sopranos, The Shield, Entourage, Weeds, Homicide, Scrubs, 6 Feet Under, CSI, Larry Sanders, The X Files, etc., etc....DVDs! Point is, successful negotiation is about leverage. Get back to us after we've exhausted the stuff we can enjoy without you. (Remember, if you were all creating House, The Wire, you'd have some juice. But you're not. Mantra: House is the exception...House is the...)

The Internet - It's pretty Fun
No, we can't watch a new episode of The Wire or Friday Night Lights online (if you're not making them). But there's a lot to do on the internet; and the more we do it, the more we forget a little more each time about most of your shows. Thing is -- I know this keeps coming up -- there's a lot more interesting, edgy, original video on the net that doesn't come from overpaid TV-network creators than is on TV. Yea, you have to look for it -- sometimes annoyingly hard -- to find it. But it's there. There's even something more enjoyable about watching not-so-great online video that's the result of some original creator/vision than a lot of the over-produced, generic crap that plays for entertainment on TV.

Holy Sh*t...There Are Book Stores Out There
It has been a while, but I've read 3 novels in the past 3 months. I loved them -- I actually loved reading them. A bunch of people I know have done the same thing. Some novels actually have stories in them that haven't been worked over by a bunch of over-educated idiots sitting in a room drinking Arnold Palmers (you know, iced tea with lemonade) trying to come up with the safest most predictable "laugh lines" or "plot turns." Wow, who knew, or didn't forget. I go on the train now to work, and I look forward to reading my book. I also look forward to watching some early episodes of 6 Feet Under on my iPod or listening to some Grateful Dead Live -- not to mention doing the crossword puzzle, talking on the phone, reading newspapers -- i.e., doing a whole bunch of things not central to Your current "plight."

Whoa, We've Got a Family, & There's Sports & Physical Stuff We Can Do
Who knew, talking to my kid isn't so bad. (At least until he gets into the 2nd hour on Magic, The Gathering.) It's fun getting to know the kids and family better. Same with going to the gym....well, not really that. (But it's good for us.) But playing more pick up basketball with some friends is a blast, re-joining my ice hockey league, all good. Oh yea, and sex. Christ, that's pretty good, at least with the right partner. (Even without the right partner -- or any partner -- it's pretty good.) Anyway, you get the point. No new Shark tonight? Great. We can wait. (I mean, eventually, somebody's going to write that show or a show just like it; if it's not you, it'll be some writers like you -- unfortunately for you (again, leverage, an important word) there are a lot of equally good/bad writers out there looking for work; so, for us, it's only a matter of time.) So, thanks. Take your time. We owe you. My family owes you. My gut and other parts of my body owe you.

Reality TV. There's More Now &, Yea, It Sucks, But So What?
I guess it's kind of clear...there's lots we can do to entertain ourselves without you. Are we going to watch reality TV?; some people are and, to be honest, given how truly horrific a lot of it is, it is depressing to acknowledge how stupid (and un-demanding) so many of us are. (I watched the premiere episode of Moment of Truth and, within minutes became dumbfounded as the premise of this hugely promoted show became clear: Hook up some dimwits to a lie detector & ask them a bunch of questions; then days/weeks later, ask them the same questions they already answered and see if they can figure out how to get them right. Nice. So suspenseful.) But, look, a lot of your stuff isn't so great (as mentioned). And there's always the possibility that, over time as more and more of the reality-TV drek comes on 1) the execs who broadcast it look themselves in the mirror and decide even they can't stomach being associated with such garbage; or 2) the public becomes so over-saturated with it that the majority, having finally emerged from their coma, say, enough, and simply turn it off. (OK, no, neither really is a possibility.)

But, the headline here is, we're doing fine.

Writers, good luck to you. Figure things out, take your time. We'll be here when you get back. (Actually a lot fewer will be here, according to some recent surveys...with the internet, games, so many other amusements available.)

If you do happen to settle with the Studios, I know some may blame credit this letter for the impetus. That's ridiculous, of course, and -- to be clear -- I reject any such insinuation, in advance. But still, to be safe: I am not advocating in any way that you settle. To the contrary, it is entirely up to you. I am absolutely content in your absence. All I'm really saying is...well, I've said it...

And I've got to get back to my DVDs & books & family (my other kid, turns out she's an amazing musician, piano, who knew?) & my ice hockey game (we're playing one dirty good team today) and later, who knows, maybe sex...not with the team (though there's nothing wrong with it), with a person, a woman probably, or not, but the possibilities are large...

All Best,
M.B.D. ...read more rants