 |
|
 |
 Burbia Blogs- added on 02/16/2008The Gardener Made An Offer I Couldn't RefuseSo we bought a house. Much angst and suffering. We scratched up the money, but just barely. We peered deep into the eyes of the vulture-like real estate lady and signed. We learned about escrows and mortgages and points and the Brethren of the Closing, all asking for small fortunes to ensure that the Iroquois wouldn't take the land from under our (read: the bank's) investment. We handled all that without getting divorced. We did the packing and the moving and met the termite guy and the plumber and the gravel man and the tree guy. We met the neighbors and the garbage men, the mailman and the alarm guy. The first bright and sunny morning of our new suburban adventure, I rolled out the bright red mower that the previous owner had left me. It looked brand new, still sparkling around the manifold. I rolled its chassis onto the lawn and pulled the rope a few times, just for practice. The lawn needed no mowing today, anyway. It looked very nice all by itself. I went inside to eat my lunch. Then the doorbell rang. Wife N. answered the door, and after a few murmurs with whoever it was, she called to me. A small man, as dessicated as a piece of beef jerky and about as thin, stood on the step, a cigarette dangling from his mouth. His eyes were like stainless steel, his skin was the color of tobacco. He wore a soiled cap and blackened pigskin gloves, holding the burnished handle of a heavy rake in one hand. Wife N. skittered away. I swallowed hard. "Y-yes?" I managed. He slowly reached for his cigarette and flicked it into the rhodadendron bush. "I'm the gardener." "We don't have a gardener. We just moved here. The other people moved away," I explained helpfully. The gardener pulled back his lips in a kind of reptilian facsimile of a smile, showing his sharpened yellow teeth. He spit out a bit of tobacco and licked his lips. "I'm the gardener," he said, as if he hadn't just said it. "Yes, I'm sure you are the gardener, it's just that you're not our gardener, because we just moved here and...." I trailed off into an eminently reasonable tale of how we came to be living on this street on this day, all the while feeling his dead eyes drilling right through me to the faux Cotswald oak door behind. "Mister," he said slowly. "I'm the gardener." He looked up and down the quiet street. "I mow this lawn," he said. "I mow that lawn. And the lawn across the street. Mrs. Tagliali on the corner, I mow her lawn. Mr. Schmetterer, I mowed his lawn, until he died." I wondered what killed Mr. Schmetterer. Can coercive raking result in death? "Uh, uh, um, what..." I replied, channelling my inner Daniel Webster. "I thought I'd, uh, do it myself, actually." The gardener swung the rake gently to and fro. "Do it yourself? That could be very hard work," he said slowly. How does one recognize menacing behavior in gardeners? He continued with his pitch coldly. "I mow, and rake the leaves in the fall, and spread the fertilizer and the lime. This lawn, that lawn, across the street, up the block, everywhere around here. No do-it-yourself around here. Do-it-yourself could get you a heart attack." He fished into his shirt pocket and came up with another cigarette. Unfiltered. "Sometimes they try to do-it-themselves. Things happen. Lose an eye, a finger, who knows what could happen." He gestured over to the fire-engine red mower at the garage door. "The blade can be very, very sharp." He lit his cigarette and snuffed the match with his glove. An open-backed truck was parked at the curb. Half a dozen muscular men with tools and shovels, gas-powered leaf blowers and-for all I knew-anti-aircraft guns, stood around, arms crossed. How long would it take six men with shovels to dismember the rookie homeowner? Can you put body parts through a wood chipper? I mused on my life as mulch. The gardener waited as I reflected on the wisdom of doing-it-myself. I looked at the gardening batallion in the street. I glanced at the new mower by the garage. Shiny red, never been used. And never would be. "You know, we could use a gardener," I said, displaying the wisdom of the ages. The gardener smiled his reptilian smile. A fly buzzed past us in the warming air. His tongue flicked out of his mouth and caught it faster than I could see....read more blogs markbecker ??Sat, 02/16/2008 ?? 13:41
  why do we even need to rake??? - submitted by Anonymous on 02/06/2008
Not only don't we need gardeners (remember when kids raked the lawn) but why do we need to move the leaves away, anyway? it's not like we shovel the snow off our lawns... agreed. let the leaves turn - submitted by Leffie on 02/06/2008
agreed. let the leaves turn to mulch. They'll make the grass greener! Obviously, you never cared for a lawn - submitted by Anonymous on 02/12/2008
If you had EVER mulched something, you'd know that mulching is to STOP things from growing. So, if you spread "mulch" on your lawn, you'll be stopping the grass from growing. And the leaves, as they sit and slowly rot, will be leaching tannins and organic acids on your lawn. The pH will rise, the grass will die. Did you ever notice that underneath and around oak trees nothing grows? My guess is... - submitted by Anonymous on 02/12/2008
The first two people to comment live in their parents' basement. And my guess is... - submitted by Anonymous on 02/12/2008
You're the parent trying to get your two adult children out of your basement because they obviously never help with the yard work anyway. hello, anybody got a sense - submitted by JillfrNJ on 02/12/2008
hello, anybody got a sense of humor out there. "if you had EVER mulched something, you'd know..." yo, creep, grow up, we don't need a gardening lesson from the world expert. try to smile, there you go, smile, it won't hurt, oh no, you can't. good luck with YOUR MULCHING and don't let us know how it goes i like mulch - submitted by mike the mulcher on 02/16/2008
I've been using the leaves from my oak and maple trees as mulch in my vegetable garden for years now. No manure, just leaves. Works just fine. "Obviously, you never cared - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
"Obviously, you never cared for a lawn - submitted by Anonymous on 02/12/2008" This guy is quite a gardener JillfrNJ is a hater who - submitted by humored on 02/17/2008
JillfrNJ is a hater who can't take anyone knowing more than he/she does arguing on the internet, - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
arguing on the internet, guys? Come on, grow up. What a coward you are. - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
What a coward you are. ahahah LOL - submitted by Kujibu on 02/17/2008
y wood u want them to give it up? its funny LOL :D dumb stupid shit fucks - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
I think Im a dumbass living in my parents basement , Havent cared for a lawn. I'm also a member of the "Coward" club. I suck dick for money and ive never done nething but that..... Gonna keep up the stupid fuck immature fighting online?..... 3rd and 4th comment... U 2 are just a bunch of self centered fucks who think they know everything. I've been landscapeing for 10 years now and I still didnt think to bitch them out beause of there lack of knowledge... Grow up people. Yes I know this may be a little hypocritical because im ""Fighting online"" But im just trying to prove a point. I can't believe you caved to - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
I can't believe you caved to him like that. If you're threatened by the rake excuse yourself, get an axe and continue the conversation. How can you look at your wife in the eye while a blackmailer takes you money and marches up and down your yard. I understand it's - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
I understand it's ficticious, but what a complete, total and utter wuss-boy. No one gets to come on my proerty without my express say so. I'd have told the gardner to fuck himself and take his carcass off my property. If he couldn't understand, the police will show him the way. I hate wussy give-in men, makes me wanna puke. Gardening - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
I don't know why people need to argue. I just pour salt on everything, and I never have to mulch, mow, rake, fertilize, bag, or anything. Nice brown color for as far as the eye can see. Homeowners association votes me "Brownest Yard in Sub". And by not having all that work to do, I can troll on the internet and tell people who make comments about lawn care, how stupid they are, and get into arguments about the "Right" way to care for a lawn.... "If you had EVER mulched something, you'd know that mulching is to STOP things from growing. So, if you..." What? Do you REALLY care that much about mulching? I mean, MULCHING???? Then I can get into a debate about people being "cowards" about some nonexistent reason. See how I did all that? Now, that's some good trolling! Americans - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
I thought I was reading a light hearted suburban blog that may or may not be factual, but is sort-of well written and then I get to these comments and it just made me sad, sadder than a gardener who needs to basically exploit yuppies to get a tiny bit of money to feed his family and put gas in his truck, so he doesn't have to work at a fast-food joint. Sadder than the fact that this houseowner most likely still doesn't know any of the neighbors listed by the extortionist, or his wife who had to come to terms with her husband being a wimp by having an affair with a certain beef jerky-esque gardener. No, my sadness stems from the caustic and abusive comments by the commentators, and about the commentators. Wow, how is your society still functioning? Choose to love thy neighbor. Or hate on Brave Sodomites, hate on. what's wrong with all you - submitted by goodreader on 02/17/2008
what's wrong with all you people, the ones cursing and venting? this is funny, clever. you don't like it, fine, but what's wrong with you that you have the need to spew out such hate and garbage. shame on you. it's a shame this is what the internet allows. American Only?? - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
Hey, Person that started their post with Americans. I wasn't aware that this was an American-only blog, and that only Americans can read it, and only Americans can comment on it. Think before you type. I think we ought to chill. - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
I think we ought to chill. This is entertainment, think it's a riot, don't get all the bad vibes. Peace. Just my 2 cents... - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
The blog was pretty good... Most of the comments... Well, let's just say I think their authors are jerks. C'mon... - submitted by Stuart K on 02/17/2008
C'mon - he never really caved in. I think this story is fact and fiction. How many men do you know who can flick out their tongue and catch insects? Anyhow, this author is very descriptive and writes much better than any usual blog you may come across - I'll be reading more of his stuff just for the pure entertainment. Who would buy a shiny red lawnmower and leave it to never be used... has to be fiction. No fighting now the people at the back or you'll all be sent to a basement. ;-) Thank you TX lawmakers. - submitted by Texas on 02/17/2008
Due to a recent change in Texas Law, we could legally shoot and kill just such a extortionist. May not be the humanitarian thing to do but then again I doubt we would have any one try this sort of scam. (sound of 12 gauge being cocked) lol noooooo - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
"Did you ever notice that underneath and around oak trees nothing grows?" It's because trees and grass are rivals, and don't like each other very much; God what idiots. The threat - submitted by Frog 1953 on 02/17/2008
I see this as mob related. The threat of getting hurt was made by the gardner and then he quickly brought up the fact that he had all the street and that he momed each and everyone of them. And a mulcher could do a lot of damaged to a human body. LOL, no need to deconstruct - submitted by Eddiegrrl on 02/17/2008
LOL, no need to deconstruct wuss - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
Wuss. Your a pussy - submitted by Toby on 02/17/2008
What a pussy. I would have said sorry and shut the door. You dont have to talk to them and if you have a gun, you need not worry. Pussy! :o - submitted by lolz on 02/17/2008
Somebody needs a hug! Jesus Christ, fucking - submitted by Anonymous on 02/17/2008
Jesus Christ, fucking Youtube has better quality comments than this site. They should have never taught you retards how to operate keyboards. Funny article, by the way. Apparently the humour was lost on the majority of your mongoloid readers. WHAT - submitted by Anonymous on 02/18/2008
where is the rest of the story!?! Best LOL session in years - submitted by Superman on 02/18/2008
Guys, welcome me back to the internet. I've been off it for years, everything seemed bland and unoriginal and I just didn't find the whole experience compelling. So, my first visit back, and I hit this website. The article is weak, agreed, but man all these comments have been keeping me LOL on the floor for the past hour straight! I mean, are our politics and economics so screwed up that we have no hope for accomplishment in life other than the doling of bitch out we can spunk on the internet? I mean, man... who would have thought the replies from an article about a gardener could spawn so many flame wars. I can't wait to find some real incendiary articles! Arguing on the internet is - submitted by Anonymous on 02/18/2008
Arguing on the internet is like competing in the special olympics, at the end of the day, you're still retarded. Very entertaining, I don't - submitted by Ginny on 02/18/2008
Very entertaining, I don't have a clue why so many people here are raging. It's an article, maybe fiction, I don't know but I don't care. It's funny. The guy is a wuss but he's got a sense of humor and can write. People need to lose some anger. Some of you fools need to go - submitted by Anonymous on 02/18/2008
Some of you fools need to go back to your caves. We're in civilization, ever hear that concept? So you don't like this piece. Tip: move on, don't ruin your and others lives over it. Unbelievable. Better not time capsule this.. does no one have sense of humour? - submitted by Anonymous on 02/18/2008
I guess some of the commenters here don't know good satirical writing when they see it...I like this article, which is funny and well-written. "cowboy the fuck up", "grow - submitted by Anonymous on 02/18/2008
"cowboy the fuck up", "grow a pair", "man up"...all phrases that apply to this alleged man writing. Talk about the pussification of america, geez. I hope you didnt have any kids that watched you bend under pressure from a 100lb thug. You try too hard in your - submitted by Anonymous on 02/18/2008
You try too hard in your writing. wtf - submitted by Anonymous on 02/18/2008
are people actually fighting over a gardening article that sounds like fiction?? seriously you dudes are funnier than the article in itself Lawn care and such.. - submitted by Anonymous on 02/18/2008
Screw the yard..Was the wife hot? this story was well written. - submitted by knowingit on 02/18/2008
this story was well written. for my taste it was somewhat flowery and overwritten, agree it felt like the writer was trying too hard to be amusing, a little writing seminar-like. but overall good. you angry critics must not read too much online. i agree with somebody's comment somewhere, the anger brigade ought to get some meds to calm down. i stumbled on this site and amazingly the writing is pretty damn good most of the time, that's not easy to find i agree with knowingit. the - submitted by Anonymous on 02/18/2008
i agree with knowingit. the piece was Ok, sometimes funny and i also found this burbia somehow by accident. It's a lot of laughs. All this anger, though, is scary. wonder why we're in wars and killing each other... The end of America? - submitted by Stephen Kling, the author himself on 03/08/2008
Okay, I held off for, what? 3 weeks. But I gotta say that if our country's schools are turning out people like many of the deep thinkers displayed above, we deserve to be trounced by the Chinese and the French and anyone else who has had even a bit of education. The piece is fiction. That means it never happened. It's entertainment. The reader who noticed that the bad guy catches a fly with his tongue gets an "A" for reading comprehension. Those who suspected it may be fiction get a "B". The rest of you? Well, there's reason to be concerned. naturalherbalz - submitted by penis enlargement on 03/12/2008
Natural herbal health care medicines, Articles, informations and daily updated health concerns issues and their solutions for better health and better life. www.naturalherbalz.com naturalherbalproductz - submitted by penis enlargement on 03/26/2008
Penis enlargement productz, Natural herbal productz store for penis enlargement,Which increase your size 4-6 inches, Double the size Double the fun.(Yes No Pain ALL Gain) And more products like weight loss, male enhancement, skin care, acne solutions, breast enlargement, hairLoss for men and women , multi Vitamin for men and women, optimum Diabetics, eazol Pain Relief , stretch mark prevention, revitol skin brightener, revitol hair removal cream, revitol anti-aging solution. http://www.naturalherbalproductz.com http://www.naturalherbalproduct.com - submitted by penis enlargement on 04/01/2008
I am glad to post my views and points in this blog, but I must say that webmaster of this blog has done a very great job to make his blog more informative and more discussable but unfortunately everything is same here that more than 80% in this and other blogs post their comments for making spam!!!, so i will really all this spam links to google band tool, because webmaster makes blogs for making discuss and for sloving each other problems. thanks http://www.naturalherbalproduct.com Penis enlargement - submitted by Penis enlargement on 04/07/2008
Penis enlargement products, American Most Trustworthy Natural herbal productz store for penis enlargement,Which increase your size 4-6 inches, Double the size Double the fun.(Yes No Pain ALL Gain) And more productslike weight loss, male enhancement, skin care, acne solutions, breast enlargement, hairLoss for men and women , multi Vitamin for men and women, optimum Diabetics, eazol Pain Relief , stretch mark prevention, revitol skin brightener, revitol hair removal cream, revitol anti-aging solution. http://www.naturalherbalproductz.com penis enlargement - submitted by penis enlargement on 04/09/2008
health and medical news and information on health care drugs and medicines for healthy living and better life. www.naturalherbalz.com Good story spoilt by rubbish comments - submitted by Anonymous on 04/15/2008
First time reader of this blog, enjoyed the story. Probably last time reader of comment threads, though. I wouldn't have even bothered to post except the text for the captcha was "POXPAD". A more apt description of most of the previous commenters' scribblings I couldn't imagine. RET Penis Enlargement - submitted by Anonymous on 04/19/2008
If you have decided to start working towards a larger penis without pursuing surgical means, keep reading and don’t be afraid to address any future inquiries. Originally conceived by European physicians, a more affordable, comfortable and usable penis enlargement device has been redesigned here in the U.S.A. and is now available to YOU! http://SizeGenetics.fr.nf  |
|
