 |
|
  |
 Burbia Blogs- added on 03/03/2008 No Kids, No Welcome?"How many children do you have?" asked the nanny who takes care of some kids on our block, right after introducing herself to my husband and me one bright summer afternoon, the day we came to see our new house. "We don't have children," I said. "Why not?" she asked. "We've only been married a month," I said, but both questions annoyed me. I'd been desperate to flee the city for some time, but it was the need for space and quiet, plus the urge to plant things that drove the move, not children. That was five years ago, and we still don't have children. Don't ask. But you'd be surprised how many do. Very often, it's the first question, and the reaction to the response is telling. Our first New Year's in the suburbs, my husband and I went to a raucous multi-generational party that began at 4:30 pm and ended at 7 pm, so that people could go out to play at First Night with their kids. The host introduced me to a woman who lived nearby. She had four or five children. "How many children do you have?" she asked. "We don't have children." She stared at me as if I had told her I ate my chicken raw. "You don't have children? What are you doing here?" Was she about to show me the door? "I beg your pardon?" "Why did you move here, if not for the children?" As if the charming local architecture, the greenery, the sophisticated town and the skyrocketing property taxes were not intrinsically attractive. "We moved here on principle," I said. She snorted. "And what principle would that be?" "Nice town," I said, and the woman moved on. Clearly, I had nothing to offer her. I've noticed in life that some people are site-specific. They disappear from your life when you leave the job, the school, the neighborhood. Then there are people who will always be friends, no matter how far their lives diverge from your own. And then there are people who affect you like an immediate allergic reaction, no matter how much in common you might have with them. Perhaps that scornful matron at the party was asking why we would pay such high taxes if we didn't have children in the schools. When we moved to our green town, we had hopes for children, so the good school system was an attraction. Five years and no kids later, we think that the schools are just one of many attractions in town, and that in a community, all the kids are "our" kids. We've made quite a few friends here, some with children, some without. Many of our new friends are "dog people," as we are, but quite a few are "cat people," and some are allergic to all furry things. I never shake someone's hand at a cocktail party and ask, "How many dogs do you have?" Some of our friends know each other, but do not socialize, as they have children of different ages. We've heard people talk about having to "break up" with other couples because of differing parenting philosophies. (Why not go out without the kids, I wonder?) Several of our friends have confided that it's a delight to be with us, not just because we're delightful (we are), but because it's a relief to talk about something other than children. All over town, I see that woman with the big brood who discarded me so rapidly at the New Year's party. She looks through me, affecting not to know me. Or perhaps she really doesn't know who I am, because I was never on her radar in the first place. And yet, if I had four or five kids of my own, I can't imagine what she and I would talk about. ...read more blogs markbecker ??Mon, 03/03/2008 ?? 11:33
  guilty! - submitted by Anonymous on 03/03/2008
wow, i never really thought about it but i've found myself puzzled when meeting people in the 'burbs who don't have kids and i've assumed people without kids would never want to hang out with me. i wish more people in my town could read this column!!! Really enjoyed this. People - submitted by Jangy on 03/03/2008
Really enjoyed this. People can be so presumptuous and narrow-minded. We're in the burbs and don't have kids and we like it. We used to live in chicago, before that SF and new york. It's nice to have the relative quiet. I t hink it's normal for - submitted by Anonymous on 03/03/2008
I t hink it's normal for people to assume kids in suburbia. We moved here only because of the kids and as soon as they're grown up we're moving back to a city. I don't mind the quiet but I miss the energy. The woman in the story is gross. We have freinds with and without kids and I agree with the writer here. you have to go out without your kids, at least all our friends do On the money! - submitted by bustrofédon on 03/03/2008
I live in (su)burbia with my wife and dogs, and have experienced rather often that impertinence that seems to take over when some people become parents (for instance, the need to talk about potty-training their kids over dinner, among other apetizing topics). We do not have kids either. And we have friends who were kid-less... until they got pregnant. All of a sudden, our pregnant friend(s) started asking us about our childless-ness (a topic that until then had been a no-no). I wonder if the author has ever been in that situation and, if so, I invite her to write about the sometimes patronizing way in which (adult) parents treat their adult friends who have no children. All of this to say: nicely done, Ms. Block. I'm looking forward to your next piece. Hey, bustrofedon, I'm with - submitted by gettingitclear on 03/03/2008
Hey, bustrofedon, I'm with you. We don't have kids and I can't tell how irritating it is to have dinner and other conversations dominated by the details of child raising. The good news for us is we have friends with kids who feel as we do. It is true we have less in common with them now. Also, I understand how consuming it can be. Peopld make choices and, if our friends don't want to engage with us as adults and leave most of the baby tedium at home, we 'll spend more times with those who do. I have kids and most of my - submitted by outsidephilly on 03/03/2008
I have kids and most of my friends don't. I don't see the problem. I share what's going on with my friends. I'm a single mother. And they tell me when I'm going on too much and then we all laugh. I'd go crazy if i diedn't have friends who weren't obsessed with kids. I feel for the author, though. If it were me I'd tell her to bug off, there are plenty more open and normal people around including in the suburbs! cool, fun blog - submitted by Anonymous on 03/03/2008
cool, fun blog We have kids and we'd never - submitted by Anonymous on 03/03/2008
We have kids and we'd never be so insensitive as that jerk from your town. She sounds awful Mea Culpa! - submitted by Alma on 03/03/2008
Excellent post! I, too, am guilty of wondering why people would want to live in our town without kids. Our town seems so children- centric. I am, however, always happy and impressed when people without children show up at my Parents Who Rock music events. No reason why we all can't benefit from all that the town has to offer. Kudos to you guys for sticking it out and making people more aware of their intrusive and insensitive questions. It must be a huge pain in the butt to have to answer those incessant child questions. nice post! - submitted by Anonymous on 03/04/2008
I'm also sick of people telling me that we don't have a "real marriage" because we don't have kids. Funny, 'cause I would have thought that 10 years was a "real marriage." There is life without kids...and lots of it! - submitted by Maria on 03/04/2008
We also don't have kids -- and we've been together since 1983. Lived a few different places but no one ever bothered us about it. Which is a good thing -- for them. ;-) Kids are a big responsibility that too many people take too lightly. I realized early on that I was too selfish to do a good job as a mom, so we skipped the kids. We saved a ton of money doing so and have a great time living life with the money that we would have used to buy our kids braces, keep them in video games and clothes, and put them through college. Sure, when I get old there won't be anyone visiting me in "the home." But heck, I don't plan to get old, either. My husband and I have been - submitted by Anonymous on 03/04/2008
My husband and I have been married for 6 years, no kids and we're very happy. Nobody can tell us or anyone what the right kind of family is and, if they tried, we'd ignore them anyway, Well, I hope you keep - submitted by Anonymous on 03/04/2008
Well, I hope you keep stories about your dogs to yourself as well, because people with dogs or cats cannot shut up and realize that there are some of us who strongly believe all animals should be kept in the forest which is their natural habitat. Don't be a hypocrite, and the world will be a better place yo, on the last commenter, - submitted by hello? on 03/04/2008
yo, on the last commenter, what are you talking about? if i don't have dogs and all my friend talks about is about his dog, then i'm gonna be pissed. if somebody talks about anything constantly i'm going to react. so what? don't hang out with dog owners, your right. Wonderful! - submitted by Rachael Quinn Egan on 03/04/2008
Ms. Block is right on the money here. We have lived in the burbs for several years without kids, and have a few of these stories ourselves. We love the woods, the cool stores, the great cafes etc. in our town. But living here wihout kids was tough at times with this strangely blinkered attitude. Now that we are parents ourselves, (we do our best not to talk about the potty training) we have real friendships, based on real interests, and not on wether or not people are play date material for our children. We hope that our kids will grow up knowing that we had A LIFE, while still being good parents. (; cliche - submitted by Anonymous on 03/05/2008
I too have come across the cliche. My husband and I have one child, and there are people who don't want to speak to me because I have just one and no plans for anymore! Or their children are different ages than my son. I will befriend anyone; the only preference I display is that I gravitate toward other married couples; whether or not they have children. I think I get more of a hassle from my family and my in-laws than I do people around town (both families have 3 children and that is the norm in this area). Wow - submitted by Anonymous on 03/05/2008
This article reminds me A LOT of living in Michigan. It's not the curious inquiry "Do you have kids?" It's the disgustingly conservative "Why DON'T you have kids?" God, I'm glad I don't live there anymore. Majorities are notoriously - submitted by Anonymous on 03/05/2008
Majorities are notoriously insensitive towards the minority. That’s a lesson that childless folks learn through the years. The only defense is to remember that the best revenge is living well. the kid thing - submitted by AJ on 03/05/2008
My husband and I don't have or want children, and get the same probing questions and look of dismay all the time. I don't mind the 'do you have kids' question, it's perfectly all right. It's the "Why not?" that is invasive and rude. I've started saying "Why DO you have kids?" Then they stutter and stammer, and answer "I ALWAYS wanted kids." I say because it's your personal choice, right? Yes. Just as not having kids is MY personal choice. End of conversation. ignorance is bliss - submitted by Anonymous on 03/05/2008
my reply to them: I'm sorry we're not all breeders for little future taxpayers! too many kids - submitted by Anonymous on 03/05/2008
Our world is dangerously over-populated, yet people continue to procreate recklessly. So for those who don't want to have children, I would go so far as to commend them. They are making up for the people who can't STOP breeding. I hear ya - submitted by Anonymous on 03/05/2008
I'm a 27 year old female ..Single ..NO where near being married ..And not really wanting children .So mnay of my friends have gone down the path of having children .Iam constantly asked ..So why don't you have kids ? Well I usually reply with ..I can't make baby goats ...They usually laugh and go about thier business .BUt then there are the few that keep asking .Why no children ? I feel like soceity has made it so as ur an "outcast" if u don't have children by a certain age .Or there is something wrong with you ! I really don't want children ..Well that is as of right now ! MAybe someday I will , But i love my dog and I love my life ..SO more power to ya sister The nerve of some parents! - submitted by Lisa on 03/05/2008
My gosh people are nosy, aren't they? I love being a mom, but I realize it's all to easy to get sucked into that force field where all parents can talk about is being parents. They've wrapped their lives up in it and gosh darn you should to. It's like some take it as a personal affront! It's disappointing that some people become so judgmental. I hope you never feel you have to defend your choice to anyone, because you don't. P.S. I was laughing out loud when you wrote: "And then there are people who affect you like an immediate allergic reaction, no matter how much in common you might have with them." Funny!! Parent have a heart, we work hard too! - submitted by Anonymous on 03/05/2008
I’m so glad the tone on this issue is starting to change. By choice, we don’t have children either. Over the last eleven years, we have had numerous experiences similar to the writer’s. I won’t even go to baby showers anymore, too much pressure! It seemed for a while various entertainment/dining establishments were catering to families with kids to the detriment of those of us who don’t. We enjoy going out and meeting new people. There is nothing worse than trying to enjoy a meal (in the evening) while children are screaming/crying, running around, picking their noses and throwing up on tables. We are also smokers, I know, I know not ready to quit yet, and we‘re considerate of those who don‘t. The ingredients we look for when we go out include a pool table, food, nice people and a great bar. I can’t count how many times while traveling we went in search of an upscale sports bar, specifically with a pool table, and wound up somewhere with kids running around crazy. It makes me uncomfortable to smoke or drink around children! I’m not sure why some parents think it is okay, but whatever. What is more annoying is when these parents allow their kids to play with the billiard balls/cues as if they were toys, or a video game. Meanwhile, they are drinking with their friends. Please parents keep your kids away from the bar and off the pool table! We promise we will never go to your child’s daycare or school to smoke and drink! Something wrong with you no, more like something wrong with them - submitted by Anonymous on 03/05/2008
It’s not that I don’t like kids (love them) or people that have them. I admire people that can parent well. Even so, I don’t believe the act of birthing a child is a crowning achievement. Maybe the woman with the “brood” is not capable of achieving anything else therefore; she measures her success by how many kids she can produce. It is really kind of pathetic. Right on... - submitted by OC_Dwellers on 03/08/2008
Don't let them get to you. We are married 25 years, no kids and loving life. Its funny that now we are entering the age group where other couples kids are leaving home, they now seem to be drawn back to socializing with us. Its all part of the cycle of living. Maybe one day we can get the right to have non-child areas like we have non-smoking. Next time your in a bar/brew pub and you see a couple coming in with their young ones ask why they would ever do that. We see this in the local micro brews a lot. Until then, enjoy your life and keep smiling. I agree completely! - submitted by lwilrey on 05/06/2008
When I answered no to the question "do you have children?", the response I got was "no?", like there is something wrong with not having children. Most of my friends know my story, but, I am sick of explaining myself to people. I am also sick of hearing the potty training stories, yuck, can't parents just talk among themselves about that? I really wish there were restaurants with kid-free zones like no smoking zones. If I open a restaurant, it will be for people over 21 only. Even teen agers seem to be noisy when they all get together. having no children - submitted by wavering on 08/12/2008
i 've been married for almost 12 years, no children at all. my husband was vasectomy,i just learned that when we got married already. i was confused because of i was young before its no big deal for me. he is much older than me. we had dog once i treated our dog like our baby. but since our dog passed away i was sort of lonely and longing to have a child sometimes maybe because of i'm getting older, but there are also times i told to myself this is my life, i married to a man because i loved him , although he is not capable to have a child but its okay, life must go on. and i just let God will take care of everything... having no children - submitted by wavering on 08/12/2008
and next time people ask me, why i have no children? i will reply them plainly "because i am barren"! no further explanation...  |
|
©2008 Burbia Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. |
