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B-Rant- submitted by Linda Keenan on 03/27/2008And I'm Supposed to Feel Sorry for You Because.....?By Linda Keenan Fourth in a Series: Victim 4 The current economic crisis has many victims, and one of them is the wall next to my couch, where I literally fling the paper or magazine in disgust as I read yet another sad-sack story of average people who have finally figured out they can't afford that vast manse on the hill, the tricked-out home theater, the his-n-her Hummers. My poor, abused wall, that Money Magazine really lands with a bracing thud. So this is my own occasional series that I call "And I'm Supposed To Feel Sorry For You Because....?" in which I pluck a tale from the news, and fricassee the latest "victim"* of the great overspending horror show. If I sound like a lemon-sucking shrew, well, on this topic, I am. And this time, we go global. Today's Victim: The British! Some U.K. debt-heads were featured recently in the New York Times**. My commentary is written all in Britishisms, and as an incorrigible yob from America, do be a luv, and correct my phraseology if you are, actually, British. At one point, Alexis Hall had more than 50 pairs of designer shoes and handbags. {"Wot, you think I'm going to fanny about looking like some slag like Amy Winehouse? Take a running jump!"} It never occurred to the 39-year-old media relations executive from Glasgow that her £31,500 in debt ($63,000) would be a problem. "It was so easy to get the loans and the credit that you almost think the goods are a gift from the shop," {Brill, Lexi, just brill.} "You don't fully realize that it's real money you are spending until you actually sit down and consolidate your bills and then it's a shock." {Whingy cow. Chuffed as nuts to see she's gob-smacked by her bills. Finally.} As the United States economy weakens, many Americans are being overwhelmed by personal debt, but Britons are even more profligate. {"Worse than those ghastly, tubby chavs in the States? You're daft."} For most of the last decade, consumers here went on a debt-financed spending spree that made them the most indebted rich nation in the world...{Queue up for the dole here, Brits.} Since many younger Britons have never lived through a period of slow growth, few now see the need to hold back on borrowing, not to mention saving. {I'm knackered just reading this.} "The general mantra is spend now, think later," said Jason Butler, an adviser at Bloomsbury Financial Planning. {"Yep, everything's just tickety-boo. Nothing to throw a benny about."} To her parent's generation, Ms. Hall said, owing money beyond a mortgage was "shameful," an admission of living beyond one's means. {"Mum was tight as a duck's arse. And for feck's sake, her outfits are sooo antwacky".} Debt was also more difficult to get. That changed in the late 1990s when American lenders pushed into the British market with new lending products, borrowers bombarded with offers for low- or no-interest loans and credit cards. {"We give you Americans Hugh Laurie, and what do we get back? Your shite lending practices?"} As the perception of wealth grew, the social stigma around debt disappeared. {"Debt? Stigma? Oh, bollocks, Man U's on, and I fancy some footy and pints."} Andy Davie is a case in point. Even after he had racked up £70,000 in personal debt trying to keep his business afloat, credit card issuers kept increasing his credit limits. {"Pardon, where's the loo? I'm getting the screaming abdabs. Need to vom."} "You tend to use credit to pay for credit and as far as the banks are concerned you are fine," said Mr. Davie, 41. {His wife has a shirt that says "I'm With Wanker".} He was finally forced to declare bankruptcy. {"Had a good cry on Primrose Hill after that, and lost my knickers, my actual knickers, but that's another story".} Though still painful, the process made the prospect of defaulting slightly less daunting. "Rather than showing up at court you just fill in an online form and speak to someone on the phone," said Mark Sands, director of personal insolvency at KPMG . {"No more bother than picking up crisps at Tesco!"} According to a survey ... less than half the population saves regularly, and more than 39 percent said they would rather enjoy a good standard of living today than save for retirement. {"Saving is just tit-boring, it must be said."} Ms. Hall said she was among that 39 percent. {Abso-bloody-lutely.} She recently took out new loans, planning to repay her existing debt. But she ended up spending the money on more luxury goods instead. {This twonk is one sandwich short of a picnic.} This year, she published a book about her experiences. She said she did not expect the book's proceeds to repay her debts, but it may help the growing number of people in similar positions cope with theirs. {Aces, Lexi. That just takes the biscuit.} *Editor's Note: Click here to see Victim 1, Victim 2 & Victim 3.
Linda Keenan is a contributing writer at Burbia. Linda worked 7 years as a head writer/senior producer for various programs on CNN. Before that she worked as a writer/producer for Bloomberg TV. She now writes satire, primarily about parenting culture, at Thoroughly Modern Mommy ...read more rants   Very hilarious and I'm - submitted by Anonymous on 03/27/2008
Very hilarious and I'm British! Well Done - submitted by Anonymous on 03/27/2008
I am from the UK and its very rare for a Yank to get the Britishisms right. Great commentary. thank you! - submitted by linda keenan on 03/27/2008
i cant believe i got them right! im so proud of myself (this is very american, both feeling proud, and discussing it) ha ha. - linda I know why - submitted by filepromptdotcom on 03/28/2008
All our banks, such as Northern Rock are underwritten by American banks, so of course, it makes us look bad! www.fileprompt.com British accent - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
What a quaint little soul you are. I love the Chelsea speak on a Scots woman. About as effective as Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins 1990? - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
I'm English, and i've gotta say mate, no one has spoke like that for a good 10 to 50 years poor effort. tally-ho Good Job... - submitted by Dean on 03/28/2008
Although I'd replace 'benny' with 'barney'. Almost all of your phrases - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
Almost all of your phrases are wrong. you're a fucking idiot. I'd spend forever trying to correct you but funnily enough it'd take me forever. Heres a few: The british do not say feck, that is the irish. You go on the dole when you have no job If i ever saw a british person attempting to act 'american' in their writing ie: SUP BRO THE BASKETBALL IS ON WANNA GET SUM NATTY LIGHTS AND CHILLAX? i'd call them a fucking idiot as well. I think, instead of - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
I think, instead of Britishisms, you mean English. What a load of bollocks. Get - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
What a load of bollocks. Get a life twatfeatures try writing something original. If you had any intelligent commentary to make you wouldn't have fucked about with your oh-so-clever 'British' witticisms. Anyway there's no such thing as Britishness these days, other than those traits sanctioned by our great leader Slackjaw Brown. poxpad Jolly Good - submitted by Ben on 03/28/2008
Yup, I'm British, too. It's pretty good, old chap! Toodle-pip! Good article, a lot of - submitted by Economonkey on 03/28/2008
Good article, a lot of people here would agree with you - but the cringingly lame attempts to parody our vernacular made it really difficult to make it all the way through without smashing my forehead into the keyboard. Please, never, ever try to do that again. Not Bad - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
I thought it was good, I'm from England, and sure there was some Irish in there and some stuff was used in the wrong context, but that was part of its charm! Good Job, its just ashame the article was about something so serious, so as funny as what you said was, we are sinking hard over here! I would say save us, but as you yanks would say: no way dude, are you like totally friggin kidding me, we like for real have our own problems dude. Leave her alone - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
Come on everyone, has all the debt ruined our sense of humor too! I'm English and I would like to appologise for all the people on here who have lost their humor! Must be Northern! Americans you need to stop - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
Americans you need to stop letting your women onto our internet i fail to see the point in - submitted by britisher on 03/28/2008
i fail to see the point in your british quotes, other than poking fun at .uk so some glaswegian woman buys too many handbags - wowee amazing i wonder where she got that bs from (the united states of stupid by any chance) i'm sure for the 2 vague examples there are millions of americans that are even more thick Whatever those comments are, - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
Whatever those comments are, they're certainly not "britishisms." Or relevant. Or funny. Chuffed as nuts? Throw a benny? The less said about "Antwacky" the better. This is one idea you should've kept firmly to yourself, lest you should be unwillingly forced to the realisation that this kind of parody is cheap and witless. ha ha ha - submitted by linda keenan on 03/28/2008
i love these comments. i knew id get brits out with daggers. i never attempted to make it accurate. im sure i couldnt if i tried. id actually love to see a brit try to do this with an american debt story. i think that'd be pretty funny too. thanks for reading! USing slang usage in an - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
USing slang usage in an unfamiliar dialect is always risky. There are some things here that make sense as current idioms in UK English, but others that sound very dated or out of context. The result is rather strange. Helpful feedback: "do be a luv" - very quaint, working class expression. Something your mother might say. to fanny about - this is American not British. "Fanny" means something much ruder in BE. Brill - very upper class/yuppy expression ("hooray Henry's we call them) Chuffed as nuts - a bit odd/rare. Just "really chuffed" would be more common. Meaning pleased/delighted. tubby chavs - strange combination. A "chav" is equivalent to "trailer trash". "Tubby" sounds rather cuddly and old fashioned. Like alot of the slang used here (and most of teh US perception of Britishness) it belongs to the 1950s/1960s. tickety-boo - definitely out of regualr usage since the 1920's. Anyone who said this would be regarded as very affected and a bit wierd. feck's sake - that's Irish, not British. In BE it's spelt with a "u". antwacky - ???? never heard that one!! shite - a bit Irish again, but it is becoming more common. Plain old "shit" is more standard. I fancy some footy and pints - a bit jarring as a combination again. the plural "pints" is odd on its own. "I fancy watching some footy and having a few jars" would be better, or "sinking a few pints" might be good. Need to vom - ??? must be one of the 1980's yuppie expressions again. Not in in popular usage. There are plenty of colourful alternatives - puke, spew, chuck ... etc. Had a good cry on Primrose Hill - sounds like its from a cockney slang dictionary. Not sure what it means? Not a normal expression. tit-boring - ??? never heard that one either. "Boring as hell" is less titillating but more normal conversational BE. That just takes the biscuit - for some stsrange reason that would neearly always be "that just about takes the biscuit" The rest is fine. Hope this helps. Language is an ever changing stream. Modern British English is very different from the what Hugh Laurie will put on fro the cameras in Hollywood. :-) The thing is linda, we - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
The thing is linda, we wouldn't attempt to do it with an american debt story because we're not fucking retarded. excellent - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
I'm a Brit and found this hilarious, nice one! fucking retard, i is! - submitted by linda keenan on 03/28/2008
oh well, better a fucking retard than stabbed by a homeless guy in the park with my kid, like another comment ive gotten. If something's worth doing, - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
If something's worth doing, it's worth doing right. If you're going to attempt the Britishisms, make an effort instead of picking words out of a bad filled with a laterally-shredded dictionary of humorous cockney. hands off my language - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
don't like the British language, then piss off and get your own! BTW, what's an antwacky? An attempt at a witty retort - submitted by FetGucked on 03/28/2008
Here's my attempt at a "Brit Does American Debt" Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like the Dollar is <strong>so fucked! Oh my God, too many of you - submitted by WhoaWhoa on 03/28/2008
Oh my God, too many of you people are soooo uptight. It's funny. It also points to a real problem. Get a grip. Kudos to the author, I loved this. Oh, my wife is a Brit and she's laughing too! Yeah, she's ferking laughing - submitted by BogsDollocks on 03/28/2008
Yeah, she's ferking laughing at you nob cheese Yeah, she's ferking laughing - submitted by BogsDollocks on 03/28/2008
Yeah, she's ferking laughing at you nob cheese load of crap, no? - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
Hi, I'm not British. I've been in the UK for less than a year. The English I speak/know is more 'Americanized' than anything else and still with such a short time in the UK I could easily recognize how pointless and meaningless your supposedly British remarks are. I doubt you've ever been to the UK and held more than 5 minutes of conversation with a Brit. (not to talk about the not-really-that-british slang you used...I think you should avoid meeting Irish or Scots that have read your article to avoid any bitch slapping) I seems like you just gathered a bunch of brit 'slang' from urbandictionary.com and mashed it together to regurgitate some measly nonsense about the misfortune of being a dumb citizen in today's predatory capitalism. No worry. the dumb people you criticized are the typical analogy of the dumb american. Yes, we have our own version of the american dumb fat couch potato... the specimen is usually found in England, surgically attached to a telly (on which it feeds of). I speak 4 different languages fluently and I do remember that by the time I'd learned the 2nd one I'd also learn the difference between knowing language vocabulary and language culture. Regarding the Brit English, I believe you hardly know the latter. I wonder what would be the look on your face if you tried to chat up a cockney...LMAO! meanwhile writing this comment I've read other articles you wrote like this and let me say, your ranting is nothing but loads of old pony. and seriously, you're a berk just for taking the mickey out of those wankers in debt. Angry People - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
Wow, there are some angry people out there. To get so mad over an attempt at humor is scary. If you don't like it, say so and move on. No need for all the nastiness... "fucking retard, i is! - - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
"fucking retard, i is! - submitted by linda keenan on 03/28/2008 oh well, better a fucking retard than stabbed by a homeless guy in the park with my kid, like another comment ive gotten." jejejejejejeje, im the "I'm not British." guy (prick). you just went up 2 points on account of that remark. People do get stabbed allot down these parts :D although it beats getting shot at for holding a candy bar while running in the street due to post 9/11 paranoia... friend of mine in Chicago died like that. plus Americans talk about peace but they've been at pushing WAR most of their history since they did the math and discover death can be profitable (and apparently the brits thaught them that ;) ).... I hope you get a kick out of the good+bad comments you're gonna have on this article and don't take them too personal. Cheers. just to point out that brits - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
just to point out that brits may laugh at this. but at you, not with you. :/ Hollywood? - submitted by American on 03/28/2008
I'm just disappointed all you foreigners take the Hollywood version of America. Well, most Americans take the Hollywood version as well. Maybe you should keep making fun of us.. a little louder. Maybe the like blokes who say dude all day would get a clue if they see others doing it. For Realz, dudes! Fifth in a Series: Victim 5 - submitted by Linda KingKong on 03/28/2008
Fifth in a Series: Victim 5 - Linda Keenan, a victim of her own crap. After taking a crash-course in popular English (I watched Mary Poppins 24 hours straight) I thought I had a good grasp on Brit street-talk...... Gordon Bennett, how wrong was I, here's what I should have said: Amy Winehouse - Jade Goody Take a running jump - Do One! Where's the loo - Where's the bog Need to vom - Gunna spew-up No more bother than picking up crisps at Tesco - Piece of piss Oh thats rich - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
How's Governor Gordon doing with our 51st state these days anyway? WHOA, calm thyselves - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
This whole article was just in good fun, and those of you with the venomous nature have only thrown fuel on the fire. It appears that, regardless of continent or culture, the other half of the idea of "Freedom of Expression" that EVERYONE misses is that the freedom enables you to NOT have to read, listen, watch, etc. anything that you find offensive or insulting. Everyone has something that will set off him/her, so the best way to avoid that is to avoid what will piss you off. As for you Brits that want to do an American version, GO RIGHT AHEAD. As a happy American (certainly not a proud one), I would LOVE to see what you could produce. I mourn the constant devolution of my native language and am completely open to seeing a similar example as placed forth here. Finally, every country has their version of embarassing, uncouth, uneducated "hicks", "Northerners", etc. The difference is that America is the only country insipid enough to elect them into office. :-/ WHOA, calm thyselves - you - submitted by Diesel Breath on 03/28/2008
WHOA, calm thyselves - you just don't get it do you? Most of Brits (English) replying to the thread are doing a "piss take" we don't take it seriously, it doesn't piss us off its sort of anti-humour. Why are Brits so insecure, - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
Why are Brits so insecure, who cares, the knocks and criticisms are so pathetic. Christ, go back to your coloring books and paint by numbers games. Who gives a F whether it's accurate or not. It's fucking funny, OK? Most of you should go back to your cubicles and dream about having a sense of humor. I could=n't give a piss about this author. but give us all a break. I enjoyed this and to see how disturbed so many people are out there, nitpicking phrases, christ, get some lives, go to ebay under morons and get yourselves some lives, thankyou for listening, now i'm heading back to London Vivat Regina - submitted by antwaky on 03/28/2008
'And I'm Supposed to laugh at You Because.....?' And there is proof Americans don't understand irony. ..on origin - submitted by vivat regina on 03/28/2008
don't calls us brits. like, cool, dude - submitted by americana on 03/28/2008
Thank god some of you Brits chiming in have a sense of humour. Also -- didn't any of you bother to read the earlier "victims?" if you did, you'd see she's not just poking fun at brits but at everyone who went crazy on debt. in other words, the author is indiscriminately critical and very funny! sweet sassy molassy! - submitted by linda keenan on 03/28/2008
sweet sassy molassy! americana is right. i'm certainly not picking on brits but on people who have rampantly overspent, with the help of predatory and negligent lending, who have now left the rest of the responsible or even vaguely responsible people holding the bag. i purposely wrote it, as i said at the beginning, as an american, without regard to accuracy of phrasing because i thought brits would laugh (at me? go for it) and tell me this is wrong this is right. so anyway good to see im not the only lemon sucking dyspeptic out there. apparently i have fellow travellers across the atlantic! - linda Good show! - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
I grew up North and we used 'Feck' and 'Shite' all the time (admittedly under the influence of Father Ted). Same thing with fannying about (as crude as it is). You've definitely used vernacular from all over the country (and various points in history), which has probably confused a lot of people. But I still find it quite an amusing attempt, especially as an ex-pat in the States where I get questions about our slang all the time. I think a lot of Brits (particularly the English) hold a grudge against America, which is why you have so many ugly comments here. jmho. Loved this, period. Ignore - submitted by Fromoverthere on 03/28/2008
Loved this, period. Ignore the ignorant literalists... Found this bizarre and hilarious. I've spent years in London and NY and most of my mates from either would have a good laugh too. Not bad effort geezer bird, - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
Not bad effort geezer bird, can see you stutting your stuff around your handbag on a friday night, then you might get pulled, down the rub a dub dub for a swift half, perhaps a ruby murry and finally back to bed for a bit of hows your mother! As for debt, who gives a flying fuck, every generation has its fucked up under class - this time its the chavs...lets hope for a real banking crises then the essex boy traders can fucking jump off of the tower blocks Up the Hatters!!!!!!!!! so near, and yet so far - submitted by Anonymous on 03/28/2008
For the first few paragraphs the mistakes were passable, but after that it went off the deep end. Much of the later comments are at best stereotypical and relics of a bygone age, at worst they're just made up. A valiant effort, but ultimately, you fail. Good Show! Yes! - submitted by rastamon on 03/29/2008
"I think a lot of Brits (particularly the English) hold a grudge against America, which is why you have so many ugly comments here. jmho." And I ask, why should the British hold a grudge against the Americans? Was it not the American contingent that staved off the effects of Hitler, ultimately? Mon, why should you all be hating so much? We have all been through so many evils that this world would have wrought on us so unfairly. None of us asked to be here in this world, but we are here to say how we want to be. Do we want to be seen as fighters or lovers of life? I think we have much to learn from this literary lesson. There seems to be much that divides us on a daily basis and this continuance of hate... this ambivalence must end so we may coexist to find our true calling as a species above all other nature, yet still connected. And for you slags that wanna call me some posey --well, I will be by your side when you need a hand up. Stick it up your arse - submitted by Anonymous on 03/29/2008
Stick it up your arse Yo dude: an American bloggers view - submitted by Anonymous on 03/29/2008
Here's a patriotic American blogger who's worried about the impact of your article on US/UK relations. And about the cost of stomach stapling. Not sure they're related, but whatever http://shrinkdiaries.blogs.com/diaries/ too much bitching - submitted by Anonymous on 03/29/2008
Sadly I was born in America, and to this day I live north of Saint Louis, an area which is filled with people who bitch insessantly. After reading these comments I've been proven wrong in my belief that Americans are the bitchiest people in the world. Now I'll stick with the British. People get over it. if you wonder why my country is fucked up then you are an idiot because one of the main reasons is what you are doing now. Bitching over utterly stupid things.  |
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