B-Rant

- submitted by Sally Owen on 04/08/2008

I'd Do Anything for My Children, Just Don't Make Me Play With Them!

By Sally Owen

I hate to play with my children.

In my 14 ½ years as a mother, I've tried innumerable times to enjoy my kids' games. But I've never managed anything more than grudging determination.

Just to be clear: I love being with my children. I love talking with them, reading to them, eating with them. I'll go to the park or on a hike or to a museum. I will happily undertake a cooking or craft project with them.

But sitting on the floor with a Power Ranger and a small child is my idea of hell.

First of all, it's uncomfortable. They can lie on their tummies all day, kicking their little legs and acting out dramas of their own making. My back starts to hurt before I've even reached the hardwood. And, although they are oblivious to the dust bunnies rolling around like tumbleweeds, I am not.

But physical discomfort is just part of the issue. The real problem is that kids' games have a secret architecture only they understand. A child my son has never laid eyes on before can plop down amid the Legos, beanie babies and action figures he has been working on for three hours, and immediately the two of them are jabbering away happily and building a new wing on the castle.

If I give in to my son's pleading and join in, things grind to a halt.

"Okay," I say. "My guy is going to fly over and save the yellow Power Ranger from the river."

"No, Mom," he says. "He's a bad guy. He's on top of the wall because he's about to spray poison gas on these guys, and you have to make him say, ‘Ha ha! I'm going to get you!'"

"Ha ha. I'm going to get you," I repeat dutifully.

"No, Mom. In a scary voice. Like, ‘Ha ha! I'm going to get you!'"

"Ha ha. I'm going to get you," I say, scarily.

"No, not like that, Mom. Here, see, he goes down and he falls in the hot lava and..."

"Hot lava? I thought it was a river."

"Mom, it's a river of hot lava," he says. He speaks to me as if I am a simpleton. But he is too young for sarcasm; he is truly trying to be patient. "And you make your guy..."

"Why can't I say what he does? He's my guy," I say.

"Because he has to fall in the hot lava! It's in the game," he says.

Soon I find myself down on his level. But not in a good way.

"No fair! If you don't let me decide what my guy does, I'm not going to play!" I say, struggling to my feet.

Board games are even worse. They seem so wholesome. So every once in a while we succumb to the myth of Family Game Night (invented, I believe, by the Milton Bradley Co.) I imagine us laughing as we collect the rent on Boardwalk or pass Go. I do have friends who while away many happy hours playing Scrabble or Monopoly. Not us.

Part of the problem is that one of my children (who shall remain nameless, but let's just say she's my daughter) has a long history as a terrible sport.

For years, every attempt to play a board game ended with tokens, money and the board itself flying through the air as someone (again, for argument's sake, let's say it's my daughter) stormed out of the room.

And parents, is there any worse feeling in the world than getting within a few squares of the end of Candy Land and drawing the card for Plumpy? (The Wikipedia entry on Candy Land addresses this issue, warning, "The classic game takes longer to complete than one might expect, because the location cards can send players backwards." It takes even longer when Mommy has to go pour herself a drink before she can bring herself to replay the entire stupid game.)

For a long time, I felt guilty about this. I'm sure I read that somebody did a study that found a direct link between children whose mothers played with them and higher SAT scores.

Not to mention the tug on your heartstrings when you come home from a long workday and they look into your eyes and say, "Mommy, come play with me."

The first person to let me off the hook was one of my son's preschool teachers. When I asked her for advice about this problem, she said, "That's not your job. We don't play with the kids. They play with each other."

I thought, you know, she's right. I'm not his playmate. I'm his mother. I'm an adult, by God, and if I don't want to make a stuffed kitty talk in a squeaky voice, then I don't have to!

I was gratified to see a story in The Boston Globe that said researchers "have found that parents routinely claim that playing with their kids is among their favorite activities, but when you ask them to record their state of mind, hour by hour, they rate time spent with their children as being about as much fun as housework."

Ha! Even more telling: Americans are virtually the only people on Earth who'd even think of playing with their children. In most cultures, adults think it's silly.

See? I'm not selfish. I'm sophisticated.

Sally Owen, who lives in North Carolina, holds down a fulltime job and also manages a household that, at present, includes one husband, one teenage daughter, one preteen son, three rats, four fish, one dog and a blind leopard gecko....read more rants

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love it

- submitted by Anonymous on 04/08/2008

well, you'd get agreement from my mother, and many of her generation, who think we're all pathetic for playing with our kids so much. i think the only game our parents ever played was Bridge...after putting us to bed.

More blogs, please

- submitted by Margo Hammond on 04/08/2008

Great post! Will you be writing on a regular basis? I'd love to get an RSS feed for your blog.

Me too!

- submitted by Anonymous on 04/09/2008

I am so happy to here someone else say exacly how I feel. I am so relieved that I am not emotionally distroying my sons life by not playing spider-man! Thank you for the post!

good piece, not a pov you

- submitted by Anonymous on 04/09/2008

good piece, not a pov you hear voiced so blatantly. housework vs playing with kids a toss up? have to love this just for that gem!

The problem as I see it...

- submitted by Peter on 04/11/2008

...is that you can't think outside of yourself. Not that you're selfish, just that you don't seem to have the ability to understand that playing with a child isn't about YOU getting your say, or YOU deciding what the characters in his game do or say. It's about the child. You don't play boardgames with them to show them how to compete or to win, you play boardgames to show them how a real grown-up reacts when they draw a bad card. Laugh it off, start back at the beginning. By giving up, or storming off you only show them that's it's OK to give up when you don't get your way.

The reason kids play better with other kids isn't some arcane "secret rules". It's because they understand that they're playing together to accomplish a singular goal - a lesson that I think more "adults" could stand to learn.

Interesting thought by

- submitted by Sanday on 04/12/2008

Interesting thought by Peter. Think it's a little more complicated but some of the thoughts feel spot on. But doesn't mean parents have to play constantly with their kids. Sure, there are effective ways of playing but kids can do fine with less parental playing than many think and, if parents are happier, kids' experiences of them in all areas are much more fulfilling

What's wrong with you?

- submitted by Likes playing with kids on 04/18/2008

Oh, c'mon. How hard is it to kick a soccer ball or play a board game. Aren't you the mom who says her union rules won't let her play with kids? You need to find a new union.

you are stupid

- submitted by Anonymous on 04/27/2008

you are stupid

ssssssssssssssssssssstttttttt

- submitted by Anonymous on 04/27/2008

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question

- submitted by ordinary mom on 05/08/2008

I laughed aloud, unexpected. Really struck me because I just had a similar experience.My 7 and 3 yr were playing so beautifully, dolls and action figures. I was in before I even knew what happened. You see, I really don't play with them in such games often at all. The scene was so tender and I really wanted to be present in it with them. They were feeling awkward, but my 7 yr was being a good sport toward me. My 4 yr, on the other hand, started acting like he was going to vomit! He said that I can't play with them, "because I am going to be sick, I feel sick Mom!" I tried to play, & yr said "No, that's not what that doll does"and"She does not talk like that Mom." Guess I felt like I ruined them, training them to not expect mom's participation. Well,sounds like it is just this way with many. Now I feel like overcoming this challenge and getting our parent-child play really going strong( atleast for a half hour of dolls per day). I want those memories for the kids and even for myself.

singing

- submitted by Ebonie on 05/23/2008

To Jessie I think that I shold vote for you because you are a good singer and dancer and your a really good acter you should win i'd do anything really your better than all of the others so reaaly WIN I'D DO ANYTHING PLEASE PLEASE I BEG YOU WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOh JESSIE JESSIE JESSIE JESSIE JEESSIE JESSIE.

FROM EBONIE P.S Shout the capital letters part from To. BYE BYE

singing

- submitted by Ebonie on 05/23/2008

FROM EBONIE P.S Shout the capital letters part from To. BYE BYE

dancing

- submitted by Ebonie on 05/23/2008

Hello Jessie Should win shoulden't She.

From Ebonie P.S Bye Bye Remember Jessie Should Win Bye Bye Remember She should win.

anything

- submitted by Ebonie on 05/23/2008

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installing metal stair

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thank you

- submitted by Poison-baby on 07/03/2008

just thank you ... thank you ... thank you ...

i lack the autonomy of a mature sophisticated adult to vindicate myself, but can now say that she ... *looking back up to catch your name again* ... wrote an article and ... well hey ... it was an article ... an article about parenting even ... yeah i read a parenting article ... i did too!!! p---------