A colleague at work once joked that he couldn't do something -- put up a picture in his office, I think -- because it would violate union rules. This got me thinking about union rules at home - you know, the family equivalent of the stereotypical requirements that had their roots in reason but maintain a life beyond usefulness. So, here is a list of the rules specified in my family's contract:
Mom's Union, Local 1405
Sally Owen, who lives in North Carolina, holds down a fulltime job and also manages a household that...
read more1. Mom must always put toilet paper in the dispenser. If Mom is not available, family members may get their own roll, but they must place it on the back of the toilet.
2. Mom must fill the dishwasher. If the dirty dishes reach the ceiling, family members are required to leave any more dishes on the table.
3. Mom must pick up used towels draped over the tub or on the floor. If Mom has not picked up said towels before the family member who used it takes another shower, the family member must get a clean towel.
4. Mom must cook approximately 363 dinners a year. (Exceptions noted below.)
5. Mom must stay home with sick kids the first day. If child is sick more than one day, she may negotiate with Dad to stay home on subsequent days. If child is sick more than one week, Mom and Dad must spend a minimum of a half an hour arguing over who is more likely to be fired if they don't go to work.
6. Mom is the project manager on all home clean-up. Other family members are authorized to perform said clean-up, but are strictly forbidden to initiate it.
Dad's Union, Local 667
1. Dad must take out garbage. If garbage is so stinky nobody can stand it, family members are authorized to take bag as far as back porch.
2. Dad must take out compost. (See above.)
3. Dad must do grocery shopping. However, Mom's union requires her to criticize a minimum of one purchase in each trip.
4. Dad must play all games with children, particularly those involving physical contact or discomfort of any kind. Mom must not be jostled or bumped at any time.
5. Dad is responsible for the dog, particularly any bodily excretions, requests to go out after midnight and garbage she has strewn around the back porch. If Dad is not around, dog is authorized to drink from toilet.
6. Dad's exception to Mom's rule No. 4: Dad must grill. Dad must cook for company, thereby acquiring an entirely unjustified reputation as a great cook.
Children's Union, Local 1410
1. Boy must feed fish. This chore must be performed immediately upon thinking of it, even if it is 11 p.m. and he is already in bed with lights out.
2. Boy makes all necessary birthday cards. They are required to have a minimum of three crayon drawings of superheroes, no matter who is the intended recipient.
3. Boy must spill at least one drink per day, preferably milk.
4. Boy must spend a maximum of 30 seconds getting dressed each morning; he is allowed a maximum of one matching outfit per week.
4. Girl must spend a minimum of one hour on hair preparation each night and 20 minutes of makeup application each morning. She is required to wear a minimum of 47 matching outfits a week.
5. Boy and girl are required to speak to grandparents at least 45 seconds per phone call. The words "I love you" are non-negotiable.
6. All new foods, no matter what they are, must be greeted with the words, "Ewww, I hate that."
7. Girl must send a minimum combined total of 2,492 text messages, cell calls and IM messages a week; at least 12 percent must be sent during the school day.
8. Boy must reply, "Fine" to all questions about activities undertaken during the day.
The dog is working without a contract -- she's holding out for brand-name kibble. However, she does perform an important role in our household: Three hundred and sixty three days per year, she sits by the stove, waiting for food to drop on the floor. Two days per year, she sits by the grill....read more blogs
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