B-Rant

- submitted by Sarah Matthews on 05/02/2008

And for the Birthday Girl, Chicken Nuggets and...Caviar?

By Sarah Matthews

My husband looked at me. I looked at him. He had turned visibly green, but it was hard to tell whether it was with envy or disgust. "Christ, do you believe it?" he said. "There are kids everywhere! They're in the living room, the bedrooms, the his n' her dressing rooms, the snooker room and the playroom. They're also in the music room, the gym, the library and the home cinema suite. Who ARE these people?"

We were at a birthday party. A child's birthday party. My eldest daughter had recently started a new school, and we were on the A-list simply because she and little Arabella were in the same class. Evidently, so was half of the London under-eight set.

The Grand Event was being held at Arabella's new house in a neighboring suburb, popular among the nouveau riche. Arabella's parents fit nicely in the category - he's a banker and she's a property consultant. As well as having enormous salaries, they had recently pocketed over £1 million renovating and selling their former house. Their new home, a mock-Tudor mansion with a carriage driveway and staff quarters, reflected their newfound wealth: opulent yet ostentatious.

Ten minutes later, the entertainment arrived. A juggler. A puppeteer. Three face-painters. A throng of fairies (nubile 16-year-olds in tight leotards, too much make-up and wings) with the inevitable throng of balding, middle-aged, paunchy dads drooling and yapping at their four-inch heels. A magician and four guys dressed as bears, their paws making tapping noises on the imported Italian marble floors.

Where I live, the Mummy Standard is quite high - especially when it comes to birthday parties. Having a party at home is actually as rare is not having one at all. Keeping up with the other parents, most of whom are ladies-who-lunch married to investment bankers or traders, is de rigueur, with their social standing taking precedence over the simplicity of being a child. After all, in the long run, who really cares if little Milo or Maya actually enjoy themselves?

Usually, hosting a b-day bash means renting out an expensive venue for all of Junior's little friends, complete with full-on entertainment, a catered meal and the world's most expensive party bag (at one three-year-old's party my youngest daughter was given an expensive set of books and her own paddling pool to take home, the cost of which was significantly greater than the cheapo puzzle we had bought him).

Sometimes it even means hiring a pop star to keep the kiddies entertained."Well, Arabella, isn't this nice?" I remarked to the birthday girl just before we ate, a catered four-course meal replete with caviar canapes, followed by a choice of five cakes adorned with tropical fruit, with unlimited Veuve Clicquot for the grown-ups. Beneath her dark curls, she scowled at me. "Mummy promised that Gabriela from High School Musical would be here," she pouted. "Mummy never does anything right."

When I was little, I'd invite six kids to go bowling or to the local roller skating rink, then back to mine for homemade cake and ice cream. We'd play traditional parlour games like pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey, musical chairs and pass-the-parcel, then they'd all watch as I'd unwrap my presents. After an hour and a half, each child was given a couple of balloons and a candy bar and sent home.

How times have changed. I don't know whether it's London or the difference in decades (or milleniums), but things sure are different around here. Two months ago my three-year-old was invited to a party that only took place last weekend. The super-organised mum emailed invitations detailing the entire future event, from the entertainment to the contents of the party bags to the full menu. She asked about our little cherub's likes and dislikes, food allergies and preferred style of party attire. The only thing missing was a birthday gift registry sign-up sheet from Hamley's, the British equivalent of FAO Schwarz.

I admit, I'm not completely immune to the frenzy surrounding birthdays. Last year, under pressure from my middle daughter, I relented. For the first time we rented out a venue - the Town Hall - and hired an entertainer. Sixty kids gazed spellbound at the magician, a rather overweight middle-aged woman squeezed into a clown suit, before they gorged themselves on white-bread sandwiches, bargain bags of potato chips and carrot sticks (no gourmet catering for us!). The whole thing was impersonal and expensive, and on top of it all I spent the next three weeks trying to find space in her bedroom for 60 unwanted gifts.

This year, my two eldest have opted out of hosting parties. Instead, one is having a family day out at Legoland, while the other has invited her best friend to dinner at Benihana's Japanese restaurant, where a pyromaniac in a chef's hat cooks in front of you as he chucks knives around.

My youngest, who is turning four, will have a relatively small party in the park, where the swings and slides will provide free entertainment. Let's just hope the gold ingots I bought for the goodie bags will be enough.

Sarah Matthews is an American journalist who has lived in a north London suburb for more than a decade. She is married with three young daughters and has chosen a pseudonym - and fake names - to protect the guilty (and avoid lawsuits). But everything she writes is real.

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how sad...

- submitted by Anonymous on 05/02/2008

It's horrible to believe that, rather than getting endorphins from the vicarious thrills of experiencing a birthday through the eyes of an 8-year-old, that instead parents these days are so sycophantic and so narcissitic that they'd turn that event into something about *them*, instead of focusing on their child. Kudo's to Sarah for writing about it; but shame shame shame for going!

Missed the point

- submitted by Gonzo on 05/02/2008

Without coming right out and saying it, Sarah makes the point that some parents have forgotten what a child's birthday party is for. Those in the set she describes seem to believe it is to better the social status of the parents.

It makes one wonder how many starving children could be fed for the cost of a party like this.

Sarah, I hear you are a real

- submitted by Anonymous on 05/02/2008

Sarah, I hear you are a real hotsy-totsy. Is it true that everyone at the party was naked? No wonder your hubby was going crazy! Stick with me, girlfriend. I'll show you how to really part-tay.

Kelly Bush

Great piece. I'm outside

- submitted by Carol on 05/03/2008

Great piece. I'm outside Boston and the parties are completely out of control. My last one: rented out a horse farm, horseback riding lessons, good bags filled with more lesson certificates. We're not broke but we feel that way, plus the values communicated are insane. We're thinking of moving, who cares that we can afford this. We want our kids to appreciate the real things in life

Just say no

- submitted by Anonymous on 05/07/2008

My kids and I like to throw interesting, creative parties. But that does not mean over the top expensive. We do them at home, usually less than 10 kids, homemade cake, homemade games, no hired entertainment. And somehow, people still talk about our Titanic themed party (musical deck chairs anyone?) 2 years later, although it cost less than $100, including presents. We all had fun, which is the point.

Excess Abounds

- submitted by Mad Dog on 05/07/2008

Bravo to Sarah for capturing how the parental units are turning a child's birthday into an all out orgy of excess. Unbelievable the lengths they go to hoping to outdo the neighbors/friends/coworkers. Don't they get it? Kids entertainment needs are simple until adults get in the way. I say boycott any party that costs more than a day's salary. Tell the craven parents that you are making a donation to the cyclone victims in Burma in their child's name.

Kudos to you

- submitted by Anonymous on 05/08/2008

What ever happened to making the kids feel special? Maybe I'm to simplistic but I don't know a kid who cares if they have a catered party or all the entertainment her parents can afford. (or can they) They want to know their parents love and care for them. I grew up where birthdays meant you invite 5 or 6 people over and you got to choose what kind of dinner and dessert you had. Honestly I think these parents need to step back and realize why they are throwing these insane parties. My guess is that its all about them not the child.

Of course it's not about the

- submitted by Anonymous on 05/08/2008

Of course it's not about the child. The child is just a vehicle for some parents to show off how wonderful the parents are. Look at me! I've got money to burn! Little Bratleigh has everything she could dream of! I'm a successful perfect parent! Me! Me! Me!

And for the Birthday Girl...

- submitted by Ruby on 05/08/2008

My child's third and fourth birthdays were the nouveau nightmare that Ms. Matthew describes: Venues, entertainment, sixteen to twenty kids who hardly knew each other and didn't get along, hovering parents who sniffed at perceived poor quality of (already expensive) goody bags. But competition was fierce from other parents, so what could I do? Uck.

Last year, for my child's fifth, I called a halt. Recalling another article where a mother suggested that invites be confined to one child per year of the birthday child's age, I invited many less children and their parents to have a swim day in our pool. I ordered a cake, made nibbles, had a baseball and bat handy so the girls could play themselves dry, and the parents had just as good a time playing as the kids. Every kid went home with a toy kaleidoscope and a balloon, and all were tired and happy.

My little girl didn't have presents piled so high we had to donate half, as we had done in previous years. She didn't cry at the end because she was exhausted. And she said it was the very best birthday party she'd ever had. I'm so glad I finally remembered that birthdays are supposed to be about your kid.

london - what a laugh!

- submitted by Anonymous on 05/09/2008

I hear this all the time about kids parties in the south-east. And I can't believe that I'm actually pleased for once that the north/south divide still exists in this case!

It's really not so extreme up north (England) yet - party bags still only average a few sweets, plasticky/novelty gift and some crayons.

Hallelujah! Move up north kiddo!

Having a party at home can

- submitted by Anonymous on 11/12/2008

Having a party at home can means a lot of preparation especially when there are children in the party. It can also be very expensive.So perhaps , you can try giving them <a href="http://www.artfire.com/">handmade</a> tokens instead.

Having a party at home can

- submitted by Anonymous on 11/12/2008

Having a party at home can means a lot of preparation especially when there are children in the party. It can also be very expensive.So perhaps , you can try giving them handmade tokens instead.

www.artfire.com