B-Rant

- submitted by S. Matthews on 05/08/2008

Room-Temp Beer and Topless Darts? No Thanks!

By Sarah Matthews

Sunday evenings I have to stay in. No matter what. Because Sunday is Pub Night, a holy event reserved exclusively for the (British) males of the species. I am not allowed to join in because, quite simply, I don't have a penis. To be honest, I also don't have the capacity to down three or four pints of room-temperature beer, so I don't really mind.

My husband used to complain that all the men in the neighbourhood were rich bankers or hedge fund managers, and thus (almost) too boring to sit opposite and down a swift half. So he began drinking alone at home, chewing cashews, glugging down red wine and alternating between burping and farting, which was worse than having him guiltily slither off to the pub.

Then he met Drew, a professor at London School of Economics, and Pete, a failed novelist and overall man of leisure who owns a couple of properties that keep him in clover (and beer). They were joined by another Pete, who's in IT, and Nigel, a marketing man who my husband thinks is an arse [translation: ass] Together, this unsavory fivesome meet at our "local" to discuss football (that's soccer to you), football and football. Oh, and football. And occasionally snooker. And sex.

There's something about the British male - perhaps all males - that is infantile in the extreme. Make sure an Englishman's (or a Scotsman's or Welshman's, for that matter) base needs are met, and he's happy as Larry. A recent TV commercial for the Sunday Sport, a tabloid "newspaper" where THREE-IN-A-BED LESBO ROMP is the front-page headline, with accompanying photo of a trio of scantily-clad blondes snogging, legs akimbo, sums it up. "Men! We know what you like!" the advert says. "Football! Girls! Funny stuff! Buy the Sunday Sport and you'll get it all!"

Indeed, it seems that is what the majority of men want. And over here, they are getting it. By the bucketload. No political correctness for the Brits, thank you. Not only newspapers, but a lot of magazines and loads of TV programs are designed to titillate the men, at the expense - or incredulity at their sheer inane stupidity - of us women.

Time was when topless darts was the hottest thing on telly (this was before high-quality shows like Celebrity Love Island hit the small screen). Imagine a seriously enhanced faux blonde, naked from the waist up, aiming a large dart at a small dartboard in slow motion, moist lips pursed in concentration, chest heaving up and down, back and forth, up and down, back and forth, up and... you get the picture.

So every Sunday, in small pubs across Britain (many with stupid "new" names like Slug and Lettuce and Ye Olde Slaughtered Pig), troops of workaday suburban men meet in packs to chew packets of Pork Rinds and peanuts, drink bitter with names like Old Speckled Hen, London Pride and The Bishop's Finger (no, really), and talk about Football, Girls and Funny Stuff. Funnily enough, I doubt most of it is funny.

You want to know the saddest thing? The saddest thing is that for months I have tried to set up a Thursday night pubfest for us ladies, a women-only affair where a group of us mums can meet up for our own drinking session, complain about our monstrous husbands and monster kids and let off a bit of steam.

Problem is, by the time we've finished work, made the kids dinner, bathed them and put them to bed and made a meal for our husbands so they'll have something to eat while we're out, we're all too damn tired to show up.

Sarah Matthews is an American journalist who has lived in a north London suburb for more than a decade. She is married with three young daughters and has chosen a pseudonym - and fake names - to protect the guilty (and avoid lawsuits). But everything she writes is real....read more rants

oh so true!

- submitted by Northern wife on 05/09/2008

Oh so true...except just one thing darling, in the northern parts of England it's also known as a Saturday afternoon pubfest - my fella does all this, but on a Saturday afternoon whilst complaining about his football (soccer) team that he continues to support week in week out. Why? Because he always has of course! Eh?

I'm sure they're the same the country/world over!

pub night

- submitted by Anonymous on 05/09/2008

So true. Don't be too hard on them though: I've realised if men didn't have football as an interest they would literally have nothing to say to each other. My ex boyfriend (a lawyer)didn't like football but made a point of keeping up with it in the sports pages just so he had something to say to other men. Without footie, girls and hilarious injuries (the other male topic of conversation) they would just stare at each other in silence.

bollocks.

- submitted by The Gris on 05/09/2008

I applaud any women with the spit to actually verbalize her feelings. Touche. But you so accurately represent the position of women in general (and not just the English), and you did 'put yourself out there' that I feel compelled to assist.

So let me straighten you out.

First, you are ABSOLUTELY correct when you said "Make sure... [a man's] ...base needs are met, and he's happy as Larry.". Yeah, we're just like women. As long as we're getting what we need, everything's great. So that begs the question about WHY we like topless darts, and going to the pubs with the boys...

The answer is simple - YOU (women) aren't meeting our needs. Our needs are: sex, support, and serenity. That means you should satisfy our physical urges, make us feel important and successful, and not nag us all the time. Since these needs AREN'T being met, we have to find (pale) alternatives. If my wife offered me a frolic in bed every time I was off with the boys, the boys would never see me. As long as afterwards she didn't let me know EVERY single thing I did wrong, didn't do, or haven't delivered to her as promised over the last 25 years.

Women are (1) unable to use logic; you know what we want but can't seem to figure out that YOU should actually DO something about it; (2) live in the past (my wife can't remember that we promised friends dinner Friday night, but she can remember that I forgot to flush the toilet on June 19, 1996 at 3:02 pm) - and every fight instead of discussing the disagreement, she brings up stuff from years past...; and (3) you like to complain!!!

Which brings me to my next point: nagging, whining, complaining; which men interpret as dissatisfaction, and therefore a violation of one of our basic needs: making us feel important and successful. You made this point yourself... "for months I have tried to set up a Thursday night pubfest for us ladies, a women-only affair where a group of us mums can meet up for our own drinking session, complain about our monstrous husbands and monster kids and let off a bit of steam.". Who the F**K would want to go to THAT???! Men hate whining and complaining. We go to the pub to GET AWAY FROM IT. And you are surprised that your friends don't wanna go to the pub and whine and complain? WOMEN DON'T LIKE TO HEAR IT EITHER, unless it's *them* doing it.

So here's the crux:

1. Make love to your man like he's the only one, as often and with as much gusto as you can possibly muster.

2. Don't bring up ANYTHING that happened more than 10 days ago ANYTIME ANYWHERE unless it's about something GOOD.

3. Don't complain, whine, bitch, nag. You husband doesn't do that - you think HIS life is perfect? Men's lives aren't easier than women's - we just aren't compelled to share every detail.

4. Invite your friends to women's night out at the pub, but instead of telling them it'll be a whine-fest, tell them it'll be a chance to get away from the pressure of raising kids and satisfying the husband, and simply get some time off.

You'll find that if you're actually DOING 1-3 above, hubby will be more than glad to let you do #4, and will even watch the kids instead of getting a sitter.

And as to the other women who agreed with you; men DO have lots to talk about besides football. But football provides an escape from our daily lives; it is our alternative to whining, nagging, and complaining like YOU do all the time. Perhaps YOU should consider at least ONE outside interest to help YOU "blow off steam" instead of just taking it out on US!!!

And yes, The Gris is indeed a Male, married, American, children, and self-appointed spokesperson to men everywhere.

Pub Fest

- submitted by Anonymous on 05/09/2008

Good article, but ignores the opposite phenomenum, at least as I have observed it. Women go out together for lunch, but men do not unless it is tied in with work or the workplace. Obviously, a lot of both have to do with the traditional roles men and women play. But is there more? Is there an evolutionary basis? Maybe Matthews should explore possible evolutionary survival value for this difference!

but more obvious..

- submitted by Anonymous on 05/09/2008

Isn't the more obvious question why British men go to pubs to escape and American men pretty much just stay on the couch with the remote? At least the Brits are bonding with other men. The average American guy zones out right in the home. But the author really should figure out a fun night out for her and friends -- tit for tat, right?

2 words: bowling league

- submitted by Anonymous on 05/11/2008

2 words: bowling league

I was a topless dart

- submitted by unionizer on 05/11/2008

I was a topless dart competitor and I resent the implication here. We're no worse than American baseball players or Engligh rugby fools. We're aiming for Olympic sport status in 4 years and hope by then to have incorporated bottomless darts too.

I love it when my hub goes

- submitted by Relieved on 05/11/2008

I love it when my hub goes out with his friends. It's one of my few vacations.

Great piece. Warm beer,

- submitted by Anonymous on 05/12/2008

Great piece. Warm beer, puke, what's wrong with the Brits?

Pubfests for women

- submitted by Woman with a Brain on 05/13/2008

Stop complaining about how victimized you are in "having to" do all the child care, cooking, and cleaning after you get home from work, and start demanding (or letting) your husbands do their half. The only reason you get stuck doing all this is that you let yourself.

And if you're married to someone who thinks he shouldn't have to clean up half the time, cook half the time, and take care of HIS OWN CHILDREN half the time, get a friggin' divorce. You made the bad deal--so fix it or shut up about being too tired to go to the pub.

Or maybe you all shouldn't have married mama's boys in the first place. Find someone who knew how to take care of himself before he got married, and chances are he'll still remember how.

Signed-- Woman with time to socialize because she doesn't put up with crap. And men love me!