B-Rant

- submitted by L. Keenan on 05/29/2008

  

Where Have All the Bumper Stickers Gone?

By Linda Keenan

Recently, I drove by a car with a bumper sticker that gave me a jolt. It said "I'm a Vagitarian." Some might be a bit put off by this, but I'm the kind of voyeur who really wants to know who has the balls to broadcast their vagitarian tastes. I tried to be subtle as I drove by, peering in, and what I saw was not the fetching lesbian turbo-trainer from the Bravo show Work Out (bummer), but a woman of a certain age sporting a graying mini-mullet. To be a stickler, I should also add that the Vagitarian had just pulled out of Dunkin' Donuts, so she is apparently a Donutarian too. I'm with ya there, sista!

The bumper sticker caught my eye not just because of the "I'm loud, I'm proud, I'm a Vagitarian" message, though that truly was a winner. It grabbed me because I realized that few people seem to have bumper stickers anymore. The only ones I see everywhere are those three-letter status destination (or school or town) stickers that make sure every stranger in the know is aware that you summer in, say, Nantucket, or ACK. My response to these: UCK.

With summer upon us, kids all over will pile into cars and most of them will watch TV or bury their heads in a video game or tune out with their Ipod or sit texting the whole way to the beach. By nature, I am highly suspicious of nostalgia, and I don't decry the growth of technology and the amazing power it has to give weary parents a peaceful car ride. That said, I do see something lost with the wholesale disappearance of bumper stickers, and the crazy-quilt of American expression that used to enliven a long drive.

I grew up during the ‘70s and ‘80s, and I would say that during these hours of drudgery stuck in the car, bumper stickers provided part of my political education. I would see a bumper sticker and say "Daddy, what does ‘Win One for the Geezer' mean on that Orange Pacer?" or maybe, "Mommy, that White Pinto says ‘YES to E.R.A.' What does that mean?"

My parents were Reagan Republicans, so the responses I would get might be something like "G-D hippies," or "Carter - he should go back to peanuts," or "Alan Alda says Yes to E.R.A. Enough said." How I made it out of this car and became a dreaded liberal is a question for the shrink's couch; regardless, I believe I learned quite a lot from the back ends of cars. I remember vividly being told that a sticker with a marijuana leaf was a Canadian flag. Now as a grown-up, I can't tell if my late parents were being snarky about Canada, or just looking for cover, or perhaps both.

So why are cars so woefully bare-assed these days? According to the book Bumper Sticker Wisdom: America's Pulpit Above the Tailpipe, by Carol Gardner, it comes down to fear of road rage; the explosion of leasing and early reselling of cars; and baby boomers losing their activist mojo as they got older. "I'm a Vagitarian" is by far the most risqué one I've seen in, well, I don't even remember. You'd hardly know there was a war going on (the stickers are out there, to be sure, but how many?) You'd hardly know there was an election going on. I know plenty about whose kid is the student of the day at so-and-so school or who supports the override and who doesn't but other than that, the people behind the wheel and their beliefs remain a mystery.

I'm trying to imagine the conversations the Vagitarian has sparked: "Oh Liam, that's just a typo." "What does it mean Emily? That's her Zodiac sign! Like you are a Leo!" I wonder if there's anyone who just comes out and says "It's a funny way of saying she's a lesbian!" If it were my parents, they probably would have said "Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Don't even look at it. Linda Erin, if I look back there and you are looking at it....."

My son Frank is too young to notice the Vagitarian, but it won't be long. I'm not sure what I'll say but anything that causes a kid these days to pull out the ear buds might be worth talking about. Or maybe I'll put it off, or stammer, or more likely, pass the buck: "Daddy? Want to take this one?"

P.S. Click here for the kind of bumper sticker throwback I like: a one-person crazy train of political and personal blather.

Linda Keenan is a contributing writer at Burbia. Linda worked 7 years as a head writer/senior producer for various programs on CNN. Before that she worked as a writer/producer for Bloomberg TV. She now writes satire, primarily about parenting culture, at Thoroughly Modern Mommy.