B-Rant

- submitted by Bari Carrelli on 06/03/2008

Searching for the Swingers Next Door

By Bari Carrelli

To Do: 1 - Return books to the library. 2 - Bring in trash and recycling cans. 3 - Track down suburban swingers.

I was chatting recently with a very pregnant woman who went to a swinger party to research a documentary. Not swingers as in swing dancing, swingers as in couples who like to have sex with other couples. She didn't stay long; it seems that a pregnant woman is a killjoy at a swinger party and they asked her to leave. I told her that I didn't think that kind of thing went on in my little suburban bubble; but she set me straight. She recently met a couple at the annual swingers convention that lives in my area.

Swingers are in my neighborhood? Should I be worried? I don't let my kids play at houses with guns; do I need to add this to list? "Hi! Do you swing? Because if you do little Johnny won't be sleeping over at your house." I want to know more about these swingers.

I Google "swinging," but get no results because I have "SafeSearch" turned on. I turn it off and 34 million results pop up. Wow. I find Swingfest, the annual convention for swingers featuring Mary Carey, 5,000 couples, 300 exhibitors, wild parties and legal seminars.

On YouTube I find a video of Nightline reporter John Berman interviewing a couple at a swingers resort in Mexico. They are sitting on an outdoor, poolside "love bed" chatting about having sex with and in front of lots of people. The couple looks happy; Berman looks miserable.

Next stop: craigslist. I check out a few of the ads and oh geez, I didn't expect to see pictures. And I really didn't expect to see a woman with a tattoo of Homer Simpson on a normally private body part.

This is not my idea of suburban swingers. My suburban swingers are chic and witty and sophisticated. They are polite and tasteful, with their door and railing painted the same shade of blue in compliance with their homeowner's code. If I have Homer Simpson tattooed neighbors, I need to know.

I post an ad on craigslist: "writer seeking suburban swingers for interview." Ten minutes later I'm on the phone with caller #1. He talks non-stop for two hours about the sexual revolution, women's rights, his toned body, his sexy wife and how he likes to indulge her fantasies with threesomes. He's a successful professional and very private about this part of his life, so at first I think he's just happy to talk, and then I realize he wants me to join in the fun. When I demur he gives me dating advice.

To Do: 1- Sign up kids for swim lessons. 2 - Finish science fair display. 3 - Activate highest level of "SafeSearch" on the kid's computer.

I ask my best suburban-mom-friend what she thinks of swinging. She's more interested in polygamy. The idea of having other women around to help out with the laundry and take care of the husband when he gets whiny is much more appealing than wild sex.

My investigation continues with a call to the local sheriff's office. I ask the public affairs officer if he's ever had trouble with swingers. Once he realizes I'm serious, he tells me he has never had a complaint about swingers. If they are in our community they're very polite and not making a disturbance. This is reassuring.

My cell phone rings as I'm driving the kids home from school. It's caller #2. I tell him that it's not a good time to talk. My kids are immediately curious: "Who was that? Why can't you talk?" I feel like a double agent caught red handed by James Bond.

When I call back he tells me that swinging is his hobby and he's done it all: A Swing Club with a naked grandma sitting at the bar drinking a martini. Celebrity parties with supermodels, doctors and professors. Five girls in his Jacuzzi for his birthday (until one left to pick up a sick child from school and another got an urgent call from work.) Gay women who are straight-curious. A woman with a sick husband who is happy that she is having fun.

As I drive around I wonder if everyone I see is a swinger? We have three ducks that fly to our neighborhood every spring; maybe they're swingers too?

Caller #3 is a man who, with his wife, likes to give people sensual massages that may or may not progress into sex. He invites me to watch, offering a comfy chair and a cup of tea. I politely decline.

It's time to end my investigation and return to my PG-13 life. I've learned that swinging is really just a popular hobby that appeals to rich and poor, old and young, urban and suburban. It isn't for me, but there are bigger problems in the world than worrying about what my neighbors are doing in the privacy of their own home or hotel room. I hope they're having fun - as long as they keep the noise down and give their guests a parking permit so their car doesn't get towed.

To Do: 1 - Water plants. 2 - Walk the dog. 3 - Investigate local duck behavior.

Bari Carrelli writes from a lovely Los Angeles suburb.

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no thanks

- submitted by Anonymous on 06/03/2008

My neighbor would love to swing with me, as he's hinted several times, but unfortunately he's coyote-ugly with bad breath, yellow teeth and manboobs. Why is it that people into all this shit are all disgusting themselves? You never find a gorgeous swingin' couple, they're all huge, hairy and flatulent (and that's the women). If any good-looking swingees are out there, where are you hiding?

I'm convinced I'm the only

- submitted by swinginganonymous on 06/03/2008

I'm convinced I'm the only one on my block not swinging. What's the secret? I'm hot, divorced and I love Kit Kats (the candy).

I just don't get the

- submitted by Anonymous on 06/03/2008

I just don't get the swinging thing. An illicit affair, sure, I see the appeal. But the spouse-swapping thing? Forget about it! Isn't the allure of the affair that it's secret? That the spouses don't know?

to last commenter, it's