B-Rant

- submitted by L. Keenan on 06/20/2008

Mediocrity May Reign, But The Burbs Are About Priorities

By Linda Keenan

You know those bumper sticks that some Bush-bashing drivers have? 01 20 09, Dubya's last day in office. I have a different beef, and a different date in mind, if not on my car: 06 24 22, my son's presumptive graduation from high school, the day I haul ass out of the suburbs and head back to a tiny old-lady hermit hole in the big city.

I'm no doubt a self-hating suburbanite, and I give fellow Burbia blogger Rona Gindin props for voicing the unvarnished truth about how she feels about where she lives, and the rampant mediocrity she finds in nearly every nook and cul-de-sac. Except I think she is missing a few crucial points.

The "quest for excellence" in services and culture that she sees as lacking in suburban Orlando exists in only the biggest, most expensive, most competitive cities in America, which number ten urban centers, maybe just five depending on your snob quotient. And no offense, but your city, Orlando, is on no one's hot list (scratch that, it is on my 4-year-old son's hot list).

The only time sky-high standards extend beyond the urban center is when a majority of the people living in that suburb once lived in one of those cities. Collectively, the former city slickers demand quality, and also have the money to pay for that excellence, because within most households, at least one spouse is still working in that high-paying city. Standards follow the clamor, and the cash.

The other point is that people with all this vaunted training that Gindin is looking for don't choose to live in suburban Orlando, or Orlando. People who focus intently on their careers tend to be single, and gravitate to the biggest cities where the greatest fame or fortune can be found. The very, very best or the very, very rich often stay there. The rest eventually have kids and move to suburbs, but not en masse to a Florida suburb.

Typically, the artisan cheese expert or the French-trained sommelier or hard-driving, ultra-meticulous curtain hangers would stay as close to those mega-cities as possible, because that's where the bulk of the demand for their talent is. Likewise, their mate is probably similarly talented in something, and also has a reason to stay close to the money-making centers.

Of course, smart people live all over but in terms of people with world-class cred, there is only a sprinkling of them in the small towns and burbs. Hence, you get, if you're lucky, the one great restaurant, the one beloved hometown designer, the one must-see theater company.

My last point is that comparing the amenities of any city versus any suburb is fraught with peril, because the priorities are completely different. I moved to my suburb for good schools, a modest yard, and because I could never afford these things in a major city. There is certainly a far greater quest for excellence in my school district than the ones in my closest urban center.

Of course, I miss having steak and frites at 11 pm after work surrounded by other carnivorous night-owls. I miss the superior, pretentious theater staged in broken-down buildings and sitting next to Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon. I miss going to Monica Lewinsky's OB-GYN. I miss the fact that people read the New York Times and a few might even be able to tell me who won the Palme d'Or at this year's Cannes film festival (not that I would know, I'm in the suburbs raising my child, and Cannes, sadly, is not much on my mind).

I do indeed miss all these things, but it's my past. I'm simply not the person I was before. What I'm focused on right now is child-rearing and that's true of everyone I know in my suburb, even the ones who work.

In some ways, it's no surprise that people take out home equity loans to build tricked-out basement theaters and chef-quality kitchens: most kids want their parmesan sprinkled, not shaved. Why bother even trying to go that great restaurant? Why go to the megaplex to plunk down 50 bucks to sit through Zohan when you can stay home and watch something more challenging like, say, er, Knocked Up?

Believe me, Ms. Gindin, I wish it were otherwise. But it's not realistic to ever expect that you will get the same level of anything outside a place where millions of hard-charging people are competing for your attention and money.

Tell you what: if you're hankering for a great meal, look me up in late June in 2022, probably in Astoria, Queens, which will be all I can afford by then. I know some amazing Greek places there.

Linda Keenan is a contributing writer at Burbia. Linda worked 7 years as a head writer/senior producer for various programs on CNN. Before that she worked as a writer/producer for Bloomberg TV. She now writes satire, primarily about parenting culture, at Thoroughly Modern Mommy....read more rants

• Get it off your chest

Thank you for this very

- submitted by Anonymous on 06/20/2008

Thank you for this very grounded look at why we choose the 'burbs. I get tired of the back and forth with city people about whether or not the burbs are deadening, horrible, etc. The argument is fueled by the fact that people don't want to compromise anything - and with either choice it's a trade off. so let's embrace what we got -- good public schools, an outdoor life, peace and quiet - and stop fretting over what we left behind!

I couldn't have said this

- submitted by leslie on 06/20/2008

I couldn't have said this better, just beautifully expressed.

Orlando = DisneyHell = WTF

- submitted by Anonymous on 06/20/2008

Orlando = DisneyHell = WTF did that other writer think she was getting down there? Move to a suburb of Orlando you're gonna get great minigolf. Reality check, hon, you're not in Kansas anyumore

Attitude

- submitted by Rona on 06/20/2008

Hey there, I am the other writer, and it seems to me that Keenan doesn't disagree with me at all about the lack of quality in these outer suburbs. We only differ on whether or not we can accept it. She can; I can't. Have I gotten used to it? Most of the time, yea. Will I ever understand it? Not likely. Did I know to expect this? Nope; hadn't been exposed to it before so didn't know to look for it. Would I move back if I could? Yup, but I can't. So I make the best of it, and whine now and then. It's annoying to be surrounded by sub-par.

kudos to you, sort of

- submitted by Anonymous on 06/21/2008

To Rona - kudos to you for sticking to your standards and not being ashamed to state your opinion even if some might perceive you as whiney or snobbish. worse than being a snob is being a snob who want admit to her snobbiness. i would say, however, that you should keep working to keep standards up, but chill out a little when your friends serve food from Costco. That kind of snobbiness just ain't worth the time. Not everyone likes to cook or has the time! For some, the gathering of friends is more important than how fancy the fare is.

Kudos to the writer who

- submitted by Anonymous on 06/21/2008

Kudos to the writer who can't come to terms with the fact that there's a trade-off to living out of NYC? Grow up everyone! Every place has it's pluses and minuses...just adapt and get over it! Ms. Keenan seems to have a healthier attitude. She knows there's a time for suburban ordinariness and a time for urban exotica. Can't have everything we want at once.

I get both writers. I'd go

- submitted by LTDjr on 06/21/2008

I get both writers. I'd go insane in a burb outside Disney World. In my town outside NYC there's so much perfectionism it's almost pathological. Balance would be good.

Oh, the sacrifice. I hope

- submitted by Anonymous on 06/22/2008

Oh, the sacrifice. I hope both writers are medicating heavily for what seem like truly miserable lives.

damn straight!

- submitted by linda keenan on 06/22/2008

i sure am medicated. so medicated im MENTAL!

Definitions

- submitted by Anonymous on 06/25/2008

Perhaps the problem is the definition of the word "standards." If you mean insane, neurotic perfectionism, then perhaps the Top 10 cities are the only place that attain the highest standards.

But I can find excellent arts offerings, locally grown produce, national-award-winning restaurants, artisanal cheeses, grass-fed beef, micro-brewed beer, (can't speak to interior designers because I've never hired one), good schools, beautiful homes and other aspects of good living -- all right here in my town of 200,000 people.

It's true, as Linda Keenan says, that we don't have as many choices as one might have in a large city, but you can only do so much -- how many nights can you go to the theater if you're working and have children?

Pretensious Snobs are Everywhere

- submitted by Old enough for a 3rd set of teeth on 07/06/2008

I live in a beautiful inner ring suburb of St. Louis in a small cottage built before the last turn of the century.

Brilliant, insightful folks are all around us if we give them the chance. We drew the line at the outerbelt and looked east, mainly because of the ugly houses in West County, but also because we wanted to feel community. That doesn't much happen outside the petty fiefdoms of PTO or the local country club when your lives are architecturally focused on your backyard, not your front. And when people are raising children, there's not much time for anything particularly erudite. I was lucky to change out of my sweats on a daily basis when I had babies.

If there's no avant-gard theatre, create one. If your children can't play violin, find a Suzuki master for your kindergarten and raise the money yourself. No great restaurants? Have an international potluck and start a new tradition.

But frankly, dear, if today's politics don't grab your attention, even for the sakes of your own children, I question if the wonderful city was ever really your pond. Way down deep, you strike me as woefully shallow.

There are lines, then there are Lines.