B-Rant

- submitted by Linda Keenan on 07/09/2008

Desperately Seeking Singles In The Suburbs

By Linda Keenan

When my gay BFF visits his straight suburban friends who have families, we all listen to the many tortured tales of his love life on the edge of our seats, leaning in. I don't think this has anything to do with him being gay; out in the suburbs being gay isn't what makes him such an exotic. It's that he is single, and we seem to listen with the same titillation when our other single friends come by for a visit. (They often suggest coming over after 9 PM, stay past 11 PM, and never, ever come before 10 AM, chronological proof right there of their childless existence.) All of the singles are seeking the white picket fence, with the spouse of their dreams. And all of the suburbanites who have the fence use their single friends to hop over to the other side, at least for an evening.

I keep wondering where all the sex is happening in the suburbs. I'm always hearing about dark whispers of intimate treachery, but out of everyone I know I can only think of two instances of cheating, at least cheating that was discovered. All the couples I know in my suburb seem to have relentlessly stable relationships, as well as all my married friends from college. Am I deluding myself? Sometime I think we get sold this idea that we are all living on Wisteria Lane with sexual intrigue swirling around us. The reason? We need to feel younger, more carefree, and hold on to the dream that something interesting, twisted or even a bit sordid is going on. Or else we'd all drop dead of boredom right here and now.

I remember walking with my gay BFF and a friend of his in bustling Cambridge Mass., and they were recounting their long night of texting, miscommunication, flirting glances, and I said spontaneously "You guys are so lucky to be single!" They both immediately snorted and then groaned at me, and practically packed me right off to the commuter rail then and there.

My husband Steve listens to me on the phone every other night with my best friend. He marvels at the patter he hears, which goes something like this. "He did NOT say that. He DID NOT. What did you do? Did you kiss him? Did he stay over? Did {rival love interest} see you guys at the bar? He must have been pissed. He has no right to be jealous now! Screw him! Oh my god. He texted you after you went home? Was {rival love interest} with you? Did you text back? I totally think you shoulda dissed him."

I'll get off the phone and Steve will say, you are so high school when you start blabbing away with him. And as Steve and I settle in for yet another night of reruns and bed by 10:30, I say to him, yep, high school, you are exactly right.

Linda Keenan is a contributing writer at Burbia. Linda worked 7 years as a head writer/senior producer for various programs on CNN. Before that she worked as a writer/producer for Bloomberg TV. She now writes satire, primarily about parenting culture, at Thoroughly Modern Mommy....read more rants