B-Rant

- submitted by L. Keenan on 07/16/2008

  

Check Out My Breadstick, And Other Things Not to Say to "The Girls of Olive Garden"

By Linda Keenan

Just when you thought you'd quietly tucked into your humdrum, never-changing dinner at your favorite apolitical, asexual Olive Garden, Playboy has to come and spoil your dinner. Or perk it up, depending on your own personal perv quotient.

Hef Incorporated is out with "The Girls of Olive Garden," and they'd have you believe that a) no one who works at the O-G is over 28, b) is any color other than white, c) has anything approaching fat rolls from eating left over smoked Mozzarella Fonduta ($7.35) and d) may serve your Manicotti Formaggio ($9.50) in a teddy.

Surprise, surprise, Olive Garden didn't participate with Playboy as the staff scoured videos sent in from Burbs and burgs across our great nation. The girls just needed to show a pay stub, and show, well, surely you know what else they had to show. Thus, for the prurient and socially-challenged men, lesbians, and twisted women like me out there, I offer up: 10 Things Not to Say to Your Olive Garden Server (After Viewing Playboy's Girls of Olive Garden).

1. Do you know "Brook" from Idaho Falls, like know her, know her? Is she here?

2. Oh yeah, this is my wife and family. But (Irish whisper) it's COMPLICATED!

3. I'd like you to have my endless breadstick. I mean, oh I'm so sorry, I mean I'd like the endless breadsticks, yes, thanks.

4. You'd look awesome in a half-unbuttoned guy's shirt and half-pulled off tie. You know, that's a real classy look for the ladies!

5. (After minutes of lecherous staring at defenseless server), ummmm, do you know where the bathroom is?

6. Do you guys all get together after your shift? Oh yeah? Is that close by? Is there a cover?

7. I'm cool with lesbians, if that what you and "Shannon" are into. I've always been really, really liberal.

8. Yeah, I've got Death Cab for Cutie on The Ipod at the moment. Your dad likes them, too? Oh. That's cool.

9. Can I buy you a Pomegranate Margarita Martini, for $7.75? Oh yeah, you're only 20. Hmm, can I buy you a virgin? Um, I mean, uhhh, you know without alcohol?

10. You should friend me on The Facebook! The picture's a little old but you should recognize me, and I have 32 friends! You have 971? Oh. Great!

Linda Keenan is a contributing writer at Burbia. Linda worked 7 years as a head writer/senior producer for various programs on CNN. Before that she worked as a writer/producer for Bloomberg TV. She now writes satire, primarily about parenting culture, at Thoroughly Modern Mommy.....read more rants