B-Rant

- submitted by B. Carrelli on 07/28/2008

  

Is This Hummer's Last Summer?

By Bari Carrelli

Once upon a time it was cool to own a Hummer.

In 2006 Arnold Schwarzenegger drove a whole fleet including the Hydrogen Hummer; I imagined he could push a red button on the dashboard and instantly terminate gridlock.

Hummers towered over the school drop-off line; there was one bright yellow Hummer piloted by a tiny mom who could barely be seen over the steering wheel. On rainy days I expected her to leap onto her massive Hummer hood tap dancing and singing "I Love to Walk in the Rain" like Shirley Temple in "War Babies."

It felt good to have made so much progress since WWII: those poor families had to ration food and metal to support their soldiers overseas, while we got to buy massive yet luxurious military vehicles to transport our take-out dinner home. Our parents were part of the greatest generation; we appear to be part of the dumbest generation.

Driving past the auto mall I see rows of gleaming Hummers parked in front of a giant Hummer sign. I point them out to my son who begs for a test drive. I'm curious, is anyone actually buying a new Hummer with gas prices at $4.50 per gallon and rising?

We park and walk up to the massive showroom, but can't find an entrance. We peek in the darkened windows and see that the showroom has been converted to offices. Then I see a sign pointing us to a small Saab showroom with one Hummer hiding in the corner. A salesman greets us with the grateful attention of a sole survivor of a shipwreck. I wonder if the Hummer salesmen have stolen the "loneliest" title from the Maytag Repairmen.

He assures me that people are still buying Hummers: loyal customers who want a luxury adventure vehicle with 60 percent grade capability, 40 percent side slope capability and 24 inch water fording at 5 mph.

If you're wondering when a suburban mom would need to scale cliffs or cross a raging river, the dealership holds an annual picnic at a nearby mountain ranch for the suburbanites to take their Hummers into the wild. And a Hummer travel guide lays out a road trip of rough terrain destinations; I had no idea that " the whole point of going to Crested Butte is to free-ride." Assuming that you can afford the gas to drive to Crested Butte.

I'm nervous about driving the H3 but once I'm on the road I start to feel more confident. I'm so high up that the Yukon in front of me looks small. I'm probably straddling two lanes but it doesn't seem to matter; cars steer clear of me. My son is in heaven. "Buy it mom, buy it," he chants from the backseat.

I can understand why an 11- year-old boy would want a Hummer, but I'm not sure why an adult would buy a SUV that gets 13-18 miles per gallon and costs more than $100 every time you fill the tank. It would cost me $7.00 to drive to the nearest Target and back home.

What is it about human nature that attracts us to the bright and shiny toy in front of us, with no thought of its consequences? Does anyone really need a five-passenger, 4700-pound, terrain destroying, luxury, military vehicle? The brochure says the Hummer is designed "To Serve and Protect." Is there a criminal element that lurks in the shadows between Barnes and Noble and Bristol Farms?

The salesman suggests a lease of "around $300 a month," quite a deal for a $38,000 SUV. I gently tell the salesman that I won't be leasing a Hummer. He looks disappointed, but not surprised. I am not alone in choosing not to buy a Hummer. The latest auto sales report shows that Hummer is the worst selling truck in the country, with sales down more than 40 percent in June and that GM is evaluating a sale of the division. Perhaps they should focus on making safer Hummers for the troops overseas.

On the way home my son plays with the toy Hummer that the salesman gave him; the blue truck zooms into the other toy cars, pushing them out of the way. We pass for-sale signs, planted like little crosses on freshly dug graves. Home prices on my street have dropped 25 percent in the last two years. One house in my neighborhood has an official looking letter taped to the front door and I wonder if it is going into foreclosure. Maybe they can save their home by renting it to a nice family with a Prius, while they live in their SUV. Suburban homelessness can't be too bad.

It's easy to mock Hummer owners, but we're all guilty of foolish behavior: we've been borrowing money to buy 3,000-square-foot overpriced homes, 1500-calorie cheeseburgers, and $4 lattes. When will we ever learn?

Bari Carrelli writes from a lovely Los Angeles suburb.
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