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B-Rant- submitted by S. Rosenberg on 07/21/2008 How to Deal with Neighbors from HellBy Saralee Rosenberg As a novelist, I've written about some nasty neighbors. But actually living next to them (and not being able to write them out of the story) is awful. To get some ideas on handling sticky conflicts, I posed some questions to Bob Borzotta, an expert on neighbor relations and the founder of neighborsfromhell.com. Q. Your NFH (neighbor from hell) is a SIC (selfish inconsiderate bitch.). You could write a book about all the mean things she's done. Is retaliation ever okay? A. Retaliation is usually the weapon of choice by the bad neighbor - a good neighbor might call police about a noisy party, then the bad neighbor retaliates by slashing the good one's tires. As long as it's within the law, some forms of retaliation may help. If my neighbor refuses to bring in her yappy dog by 11 p.m., I may set off my car alarm at 6 a.m. - unless it's parked where it will disturb other neighbors. The idea is to send the message that there are consequences for being un-neighborly. Q. But before the battle escalates, what's step one? Q. Meet face to face? But what if the person seems really, really scary? A. Obviously don't endanger your life, but often when there are hostilities between neighbors, they've never met, don't know each other's names. The good neighbor may only know the bad neighbor by their offending behavior and judge them based on race, religion, age, etc. By introducing yourself, you're showing you can't be intimidated and you're making it very personal. Why would they want to alienate a nice person like yourself? I know of an instance where the good neighbor gave the bad one a gift basket, mentioned the noise problem, and that was all it took. Q. Okay, let's say the neighbor is nice but the ten-year old son is a beast. He tramples your rosebushes, harasses your dog and threatens your kids. The mom shrugs and says boys will be boys. A. Oh. Her. Inside that giant-SUV-driving, over-caffeinated, mentally-absent Mom of the Year is a definite Neighbor From Hell. But at the same time, "live where you belong." The suburbs and other family-friendly neighborhoods are prone to misbehaving kids, barking dogs, roving teens, and disputes over snow-shoveling to landscape-damaging water run-off. It goes with the territory so expect to be a little tolerant. Also consider that restoring civility in any dispute is a process, one that can take a lot out of the better neighbors. The key is not to let it make you ill. Be patient, be persistent, be pro-active. Over time, the bad neighbor may either compromise or decide to annoy someone else. Q. What is it about suburbia that fosters such competitiveness and resentment among neighbors? A. Insecurity can bloom anywhere - but a suburban neighborhood can be a prime breeding ground because the close proximity of the houses gives people an amazing view of how their neighbors live, what they drive, etc. Also, there are more opportunities to interact because of time spent outside- driveways, yards, school bus stops, etc. Very hard to hide your new, enviable BMW (not that you're trying to). Just know that the better someone gets to know you, the more likely they will judge you fairly. Neighbor disputes escalate much more quickly when the parties are strangers. Q. What is the key to achieving lasting peace when next door neighbors are like hostile nations? A. The only way to guarantee a resolution is if one neighbor moves away or dies, which is why I say it's better to try to manage the hostilities rather than expect to resolve them. Best way to quiet the tensions is to back off for a while. If you constantly feed the fire, it's you who gets engulfed in the flames. Q. What's worse? Neighbors who never got along, or ones that were close, then had a falling out? A. Neither feels good. Friends-turned-enemies make for ongoing battles because there's personal pain on both sides. But when we don't know our neighbors, we're less tolerant of their occasional disturbances. It helps to be friendly to everyone so that if a problem arises, the trigger finger isn't as quick to go off. Q. Now that we can keep tabs on each other through the Internet, cell phones, nanny-cams, have we become a nation of Peeping Cyber Toms? A. Good people don't suddenly change because of the advent of technology. They still abide by common decency. However, a word of caution. If you don't want your antics to be seen on You-Tube, lower the shade. Also, good behavior caught on tape isn't news. No one is going to watch you bringing over a pie to the new neighbors. Q. Finally, what is the best way to keep your cool when all you think about is revenge? A. My doctor once told me that the intestine is the mirror of the mind. Do you really want to have to surgically repair your digestive tract because of a neighbor dispute? If you've tried everything to overcome the hostilities, either move or turn to relaxing techniques so that you can stay on the high road. Sometimes we win by not losing our minds, our intestines, our joy in life. We win if we don't dwell on revenge.
Bob Borzotta, a former investigative journalist for the "Philadelphia Inquirer" and a frequent source.guest on ABCs "20/20", is the founder and online counselor at neighborsfromhell.com. His book and nationally syndicated radio talk show of the same name will be available in 2008. ...read more rants  what's worse... - submitted by linda keenan on 07/21/2008
....is when the KID is nice and the PARENT is the beast. that, i really feel badly about. Good advice. But still, how - submitted by Anonymous on 07/21/2008
Good advice. But still, how can one not feel ill when, after spending (OK, borrowing) hundreds of thousands of dollars for your dream home, you discover your neighbors are a major irritant?? What about the yapping dog - submitted by Anonymous on 07/22/2008
What about the yapping dog you can hear all evening but don't know exactly where it is? Do I have to go on a reconnaissance mission and then introduce myself to a neighbor just to inform him/her to shut his doggie up? I like that "live where you - submitted by Anonymous on 07/22/2008
I like that "live where you belong" idea. I hate it when people choose to live in the 'burbs and then get all crabby because kids run across their lawn! To previous poster: give me - submitted by Anonymous on 07/22/2008
To previous poster: give me a break. kids can play free and still be taught not to run on a neighbor's lawn! nothing about living in close quarters to neighbors means you shouldn't follow basic rules of etiquette. it's out in the country where you can go wild but in the suburbs you have to have manners. neighbors above the law - submitted by Anonymous on 08/31/2008
I live in a subdision in Valrico Florida, after about 3 months of no rain my neighbor decided to rake up his leaves and then burn them.Filling my house full of smoke,and threatening to burn down the orange grove behind our homes.I called the fire department, he got a warning. This neighbor also started a mobile car wash business, and then started doing this at the end of his driveway with pressure washers or I should say his employees did. Three months later the 2 houses directly across the street both had their tires removed from their vechiles.(we believe his employees did this). He sold that business and then started a trucking transport business. All types of commercial vechiles were then hauled in and out of the neighborhood and left for us to look at over the weekend and taking the road down to one lane.We finally called code-enforcement. He retaliated by poisioning my dog! The dog lived,and is no longer let outside in his own back yard, the police were called,and nothing happened. Since the dog poisioning my husband and I have installed security cameras at considerable expense. (We feel that we need to protect ourselves) and our property. They also have 2 young children that used to tare up our yard. I ended up putting fencing around the front yard and a gate across a 2 car driveway which we keep locked at all times, this was also done at considerable expense. Now we get to listen to their kids scream bloody murder while in their pool or back yard (our master bedroom is on their side of the house). So we have resorted to sleeping on the opposite side of the house to no avail. The screaming will wake you up out of a sound sleep from the opposite side of the house also. Since they have moved in, we no longer use our pool,or our back yard. We haven't entertained in our back yard, pool area,or back patio in years. I don't see any point in talking to these wacko's. They obviously think that they are above the law and think they can do what ever they want. (Nice example that they are setting for their children). We have taken all the security measures that we can possible think of. Their latest thing is throwing stones at the house after we go inside. I can't even turn a back porch light on while cooking diner on the back patio without the house getting bombarded with stones after we go in. We avoid these people at all costs. Sick and tired of these so called adults acting like juvenile delinquents! What would you suggest? No Respect from these Neighbors - submitted by Anonymous on 11/10/2008
I thought I was the only one who had a "neighbor from hell". Shortly after purchasing my home, our neighbors bought the their home. Shortly after they moved in a dispute about where the property line were began. To resolve this dipute in the most legal manner we had our property surveyed. There a property steaks in the four corners of our yard. At the time of the survey it was discovered that their driveway crosses our front yard by three feet. They recently replaced their black-top driveway with gravel. At that time my husband asked the neighbors to please be mindful of where the propert steak is located and to please not put his driveway in our yard. (The property steak is in the middle of the mouth of his driveway). They ignored my husband's request and put their new driveway back in our front yard. Our fear is that they plan on black-topping in the spring. After the police were called to witness where the property marker is an argument broke out and the neighbor got very verbally abusive. They claim they own the piece of property in question however, we have a certified survey on record and our title says they are infringing on our property. We have a large boulder in that particular corner of our front yard that we plan on rolling to our lot-line however, this would block them from entering and exiting their driveway. Should we roll the boulder? Legally the property is ours to do as we choose. Also, for some reason the same neighbor enjoys cutting our grass. Not only does his driveway cross three feet into our yard but he cuts the grass on our side of his driveway another three feet making his yard look six feet wider than it actually is. How do we keep them off our property? We don't want them cutting our grass.  |
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