B-Rant

- submitted by G. Babakian on 07/22/2008

  

A Reluctant Motorist's Top 10 Suburban Driving Offenses

By Genine Babakian

I hate to drive. In fact, our home's proximity to schools, shops and public transportation was one of its main attractions when we were hunting for our first home. But, as much as I hate driving, the realities of suburban living do occasionally force me behind the wheel of our minivan.

I had hopes that the more I drove, the more comfortable I would become behind the wheel. But that was before I moved to New Jersey, where signage is spotty and the use of directionals is, apparently, optional.

Why do I loathe driving in my otherwise idyllic suburban enclave? Let me begin with these offenses:

1. The "you were in my blind spot," excuse for dinging someone in a parking lot. Those who are inclined to drive SUVs the size of small vacation cottages should be able to maneuver their vehicle without using the "blind spot" excuse for hitting - or nearly missing - another car that happens to be obeying traffic rules. Offending drivers who manage to pull this blind spot excuse off in an accusatory tone lose even more points.

2. The "pretending not to notice you were waiting for that spot" offense. If I had a dollar for every time a car approaching from the oncoming lane slipped into a coveted parking spot while I waited for the previous occupant to back out, I would be able to put my children through college.

3. The "I'll just hold up traffic for ten minutes while I wait for this parking spot to clear" offense. We've all been stuck behind these people. Angling to snag a precious diagonal parking spot, they are oblivious to the lane of cars behind them that cannot move. Once - and only once - I had the satisfaction of witnessing one such offender busted by a local policeman who told her - more politely than she deserved - to look at the traffic jam in her rear view mirror.

4. Runaway supermarket carts. Really, is it so hard to return a shopping cart back to the front of the store or one of the designated areas where they won't: a) take up more parking spaces; and/or, b) roll into other parked cars?

5. Driving and cell phones. This is the common denominator of pet peeves - the one that drives us all crazy. My husband fantasizes about impersonating a police officer so he can ticket drivers talking on the phone. My brother stopped riding his bicycle to work after too many near misses with drivers talking on the phone. "In the old days," he says, "when you saw a car swerving, you'd assume the driver had too much to drink. Now when you see a car making wide turns and erratic moves, you assume the driver is talking on a cell phone."

6. The "directionals are optional" offense. Those little turn signals are there for a reason, and using them comes in mighty handy for the other people out there on the road. My particular peeve is against those who stop in the left lane at a red light and do not bother to put on their left turn signal until the light turns green.

7. All terrain vehicles with a pair of headlights that could illuminate a runway. Those of us who are driving in the opposite direction still have to be able to see to operate a moving vehicle.

8. People who leave mounds of snow on their car. I admit to having committed this crime in the past. But after my windshield was hit by airborne ice chunks from other vehicles, I made more of an effort to scrape more of the snow off my car before hitting the road.

9. The back-door play at the drive-through. Inside the bank it is hard to play the frontsie/backside game. Those neat little lines make it pretty clear who is next. But outside, in the drive-through lane, it is a whole other ball game, with other cars appearing out of nowhere. Having been pushed back in line one too many times, a friend of mine took matters into her own hands by taking her foot off the break and coasting into the offending vehicle. It felt so good, she said, that she backed up and repeated it four or five times before the glaring driver in front of her finally finished her banking and drove away.

10. Teenage drivers: More specifically, I should say teenage drivers in large cars who drive fast. And cut corners. And are too absorbed by the events inside the car (friends, loud music, etc.) to be aware of what is going on outside (other vehicles on the road, pedestrians, etc.).

Am I am too touchy behind the wheel? Perhaps. But I have a feeling my fellow suburbanites have a few driving offenses I've yet to uncover. I'd love to be aggravated by them, too, so please share them here!

Genine Babakian, a writer and editor, is a recent transplant to suburban New Jersey...read more rants