B-Rant

- submitted by L. Keenan on 08/11/2008

  

Want Marriage to Last? Try My “Rules” Instead

By Linda Keenan

When it comes to perusing the New York Times online, I always go first to the obituaries because I'm a passionate death junkie (and super-fun at parties!), and then, if it's Sunday, I click through Weddings & Celebrations to see if there's anyone I know getting hitched.

This week I was drawn immediately to the Vows feature, heralding the (second) marriage of perhaps the most notorious dating guru of the 1990's: Ellen Fein, author with Sherri Schneider of "The Rules", you know, the ones where women ("girls") are supposed to close the deal, in two years max, or dump him, always end phone calls and dates before he does, and my personal favorite, "be a creature unlike any other" (Overarching Uber-Rule #1).

Fein and Schneider were pilloried by feminists for encouraging women to drive men wild with their (manufactured) dewy-eyed remoteness and Garbo-like mystery. Then Fein became a whipping girl when she continued to peddle The Rules even as she herself divorced. I don't come to scorn Fein, because, hey, she's on her (second) honeymoon and even I'm not that churlish.

In fact, I'd like to give Fein and Schneider some props. One reason The Rules drove femi-critics crazy, I believe, was that they knew, at some level, the authors were dead-on. Men do want to pursue. But I would argue that the very things The Rules "girls" recommend to help you land a mistuh may land you the wrong Mistuh.

So I'd like to put forth my own 10 completely subjective rules for finding and keeping Mistuh Right (my credentials: none, other than a 16-year relationship/marriage showing few signs of strain other than ceaseless stability).

Counter-Rule #1: Poop.

Simple, timeless, the gift that keeps on giving. I'm not being facetious here. Show your man you are a creature like all others. Poop. I'm not saying leave the door open and let it rip with In Style magazine on your lap. But the sooner he knows the terrifying truth, that you indeed poop, the sooner you'll know whether he can handle a woman and her sh-t, her literal shit. If he can't, dump him.

Counter-Rule #2: Wear Your Corporate T-Shirt To Bed.

Nothing says love more than a man who still wants to sleep with you even after you revert to your normal bedroom-wear, the swag T-shirt you got at work. (This is inspired in part by "Business Time", the brilliant homage to humdrum sex by the comedy duo Flight of the Conchords.)

Counter-Rule #3: Love Shack, Baaaby!

Under no circumstances should one marry without substantial co-habitation. (If this offends your religion, pray that I be saved, Lord knows I need it). Getting married is one day, or, in my case, 17 minutes at the Justice of the Peace. Being married is decade after decade of living with habits you may find unbearable, ranging from innocuous ball-scratching to a crippling meth/porn addiction. Live with it, then see if you still love it

Counter-Rule #4: The Nursing Home Test.

Imagine you're 80, and perhaps chained to a urinary catheter. Who do you want next to you to kvetch about Nurse Ratched? When you say, "hey, who was that other guy in the band Wham?" will he know the answer? If you're bored out of your gourd with his Nascar-watching at age 25, think how bad it will be 24-7 in the Home.

Counter-Rule #5: Love Thyself, Literally.

Look in the mirror, clone yourself, marry the result. Opposites attract? Maybe when Harry met Sally but otherwise, balderdash. Once the bedroom sparkle is gone you'll be stuck laughing at your own jokes, trapped in an emotional coffin of your own stifled sensibility. Find a like-minded soul.

My last five rules apply to life post-marriage...

Counter-Rule #6: You're Not Mrs. Tom Hanks.

I shouldn't pick on "When Harry Met Sally.." because that's one romance where the fictional couple actually grow into each other (very much my kind of Rules couple.) But most Hollywood boilerplate is pure poison for a reality-based relationship.

Take all those tear-jerkers you've Tivoed and delete delete delete. Your man did not get the Jane Austen script in the mail. He is not a mind-reader. Get over it, and ask for what you want.

Counter-Rule #7: Cure the Date-Night Doldrums.

You've surely seen them at the Cheesecake Factory, the couples in a cone of silence sitting there on Date Night. I don't do Date Night, but I've always thought it seemed better to share a hobby with a husband rather than take the compulsory night-out, which may only serve to remind you why you're so bored in the first place.

Counter-Rule #8: By All Means, Have Kids.

Nothing distracts you from the boredom better than jam-packed days of child-rearing.

Counter-Rule #9: Ask This Before You Yell.

Would you chastise your child for saying what you are about to say to your spouse? If so, then don't say it. Or calm down and say it another way. Non-stop yelling is bad for marriage, baby, and probably blood pressure.

Counter-Rule #10: Whatever Danny Bonaduce tells you to do, do the opposite.

I couldn't help but notice that one of the blurbs on Amazon in support of "The Rules" by Fein and Schneider was from the ‘roid raging child-star Danny Bonaduce. "My wife Gretchen played by The Rules and had me at the altar less than 12 hours after we met."

That quote is old. That's his EX-wife now.

Linda Keenan is a contributing writer at Burbia. Linda worked 7 years as a head writer/senior producer for various programs on CNN. Before that she worked as a writer/producer for Bloomberg TV. She now writes satire, primarily about parenting culture, at Thoroughly Modern Mommy ...read more rants