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Burbia Blogs- added on 08/19/2008 Do You Do the Drop In?If houses had names like motels, mine would be The Dew Drop Inn. I love having friends drop by unexpectedly. We're a household of optimists, and we greet the doorbell accordingly. My kids dash down the stairs and skid toward the door like opportunity is literally knocking. Maybe someone sent us an I-Phone! Nickelodeon wants me on iCarly! The school burned down! For me, having a friend stop by is simply the excuse I'm often looking for to drop everything and just hang out. A social gathering that didn't require planning? Bliss.  Karen Dukess, Editorial Director of Burbia, has been a newspaper and magazine reporter, editor, and...read more So I was disappointed to discover, shortly after moving to the suburbs, that some of my friends do not share my enthusiasm for the drop-in. Their houses may look like upscale bed-and-breakfasts, but they may as well have signs outside that say "By Invitation Only." It took me a while to understand that it wasn't personal, that when a neighbor stood in her doorway chatting and not inviting me in, it didn't mean she a) didn't really like me or b) was praying I would skedaddle before noticing the corpse on the living room floor. She just didn't do the drop-in. This unwelcoming tendency is partly an off-shoot of the perfectionism that rules life in suburbia, where so many of us feel that our houses and gardens, haircuts and children are supposed to appear perfectly tended at all times. So we pretend that we don't have dirty socks and Nerf bullets under the cushions of the living room couch and that we never leave the house without wiping the pancake syrup off the kitchen table. Someone stopping by unexpectedly might catch us living an imperfect life. Better not let them in. But some "invitation only" people don't have anything that needs to be swept under the rug. They're neat freaks whose kitchen counters are not covered with piles of catalogues, bills and overdue permission slips. Their houses are always stage-set perfect, as if they were expecting company at any moment. In their case, not wanting uninvited guests is not about being caught off-guard. It's about being kicked off schedule. Because for all the talk about over-scheduled children in the suburbs, the parents (and yes, I'm talking mostly about mothers) are overscheduled, too. Keeping up with the house, the yard, the Pilates, the minutiae (and carpools) of our children's lives and, of course, our jobs, is so demanding that there's just no time for spontaneous socializing. When I call a certain friend at 9:40 a.m. to see if she wants to meet for coffee, I can practically hear the frantic juggling going on in her head: If I don't leave the house by 9:45, I won't make it to the 10 a.m. spinning class and then I'll have to exercise later and won't have time to get to the tile store to pick out a grout color for the bathroom before taking the boys to soccer. I could go tomorrow but then I won't have time for a pedicure before the PTA meeting... There's nothing wrong with sticking to one's schedule, which brings the satisfaction at the end of the day of ticking off the boxes on the to-do list. It's good to have high standards for our work, homes, families and communities and to be driven by the passion for a good and full life. But too many of us are like the well-meaning principal in the children's book A Fine, Fine School who loves his school so much that he schedules more and more school, until there's school on weekends and holidays and in the summer. Finally, an overwhelmed girl marches into his office and points out that with all this school, not everyone is learning what they need to - that her little brother hasn't learned how to swing or skip and that she herself hasn't learned how to climb very high in her tree and sit there for a whole hour. Where I live, doing nothing is something that usually only happens at the end of yoga class, when everyone works very hard to do Savasana, or corpse pose, and feels guilty when they find themselves taking mental inventory of their refrigerator instead of achieving a blank mind. There's a cost to slowing down from time to time. You might end up with an overflow of dirty laundry, bathroom tile in dire need of grouting, outgrown highlights or an extra inch around the waist. But you might find that talking to a friend about what's on her mind rather than on her agenda is worth your precious time. You might discover that the occasional drop-in derails your schedule but takes you to a better place....read more blogs markbecker ??Tue, 08/19/2008 ?? 11:41
  Doing the Drop - submitted by Sally Higginson on 08/19/2008
Rarely does a column hit so raw a nerve, but this one does. As a recovering neat-a-holic, I know too well how hard it is to drop my standards and let friends see any disarray in my house. I also suffer from severe over-scheduling for myself, and reading about the mental ticking-off through the list of to-dos (organized every quarter hour) sends chills of shame down my spine. I've been known to schedule phone calls with friends, sort of the equivalent of a physical drop-in, because even an unscheduled chat seems to be disruptive to my routine. This really just highlights the very real discrepancy between how I think I live (happy, relaxed, and connected to friends) versus how I truly live (programmed, uptight, and disconnected). Okay, that's a bit harsh. But the mythic porch time, lazy afternoons, and easy living that are epitomized by the drop-in seems a lofty goal rather than a daily, or even weekly, reality. Alas. -Sally Higginson overscheduled midwestern gal Hooray for those who drop - submitted by mayberry greetings on 08/19/2008
Having moved from a more spontaneous culture to my current suburban enclave, I must admit I too was put off by neighbors who preferred to schedule one-hour playdates three weeks in advance. Thank goodness there are some like-minded folks out there who still believe in some good, old-fashioned doorbell ringing.... secret signals - submitted by Anonymous on 08/19/2008
My feelings about the drop in vary wildly; a Tuesday night in late summer after a long day at work is the perfect time to share glass of wine with neighbor on the spur of the moment. But on a Saturday afternoon when both kids are out and you and your honey are finding the empty house especially enjoyable ? No thank you to uninvited company. Although I never thought about it until I read this article, I think I try to communicate my state of mind by how I leave the front - open door means come in, while a shut door means, it better be an emergency if you're knocking. And rereading my own comment it sounds like wine and sex are my two favorite activities ( OK, well, so maybe they are...) but let's face it, when I'm cooking dinner or folding laundry or watching the olympics,well, those things can get accomplished both with and without company, so at moments like those, I'm pretty flexible. great topic - submitted by linda keenan on 08/19/2008
i have always wanted to have the drop in house but im starting to think that at least in my case it's a bit genetic - we NEVER had ANYONE drop in at my house and i want soooo much to have the drop in house. but no one else seems to want to do the drop in. and i have some friends that i try to get together with who give me a date two months away. i don't know what the f- they are all doing all day long. I'll send the little boy - submitted by Anonymous on 08/19/2008
I'll send the little boy down the street to visit you. He won't stop ringing the doorbell until someone comes to the door and if I tell him my son isn't home to play he walks in, kicks off his shoes and sits down to play with our dog. He's so sweet it's impossible to get mad at him. My messy house - submitted by Kimberly @ The Gav Menagerie on 08/20/2008
Great post! I love spontaneous socializing. My problem is that I always feel like my house is a mess. Not just a little untidy - I mean, it can get really unruly. And I don't even want to see it when it reaches that point. I know I need to get over it, but it's easier said than done. This post is great food for thought. Thanks. drop in - submitted by Anonymous on 08/20/2008
An elderly man, I've never experienced the same situations described. Nevertheless I found the post to be bright and sparkling but more important, thought provoking. I have almost always enjoyed "drop ins" but never fully understood why my wife sometimes was less enthused. Now I do. The post leads me to believe that the writer is someone I would like and admire. do drop in - submitted by renee on 08/20/2008
love this - i wish you were my neighbor. my neighbors are friendly, but there's no hanging out. we chat here and there and wave but that's it. i would so love someone popping over for a wine/beer/cuppa coffee/rant. Trapped in our house by a Drop-inner - submitted by Anonymous on 08/20/2008
We are the recipients of chronic drop-inner neighbors and while I love chatting with them and welcome them into my home they drop in not one, not two but up to four or five times a day! Growing up, our house was filled with children, neighbors etc. but everyone new you didn't drop in or call during dinner hours. Our neighbor comes over EVERY night at dinner just after my husband has returned from work and only has a few hours with the kids before bed. They also come at 8 in the morning on a Saturday when we might be just waking up slowly, leisurely and in less than appropriate attire *ahem*. This has been going on for over a year now and it can be a bit much. Even if we lock our door, which is usually left unlocked, she will go door to door or windows until someone answers the door or lets her in! Oh boy! Help! Any advice? or maybe some people just view home differently - submitted by Anonymous on 08/21/2008
for us, home is a haven away from the rush and overload of every day life. We don't often have people over - not because we're anti-social (we love our friends and family) but just because we really like hanging out at home with just us. We're overscheduled, as you mention, much of the time - so home has become a sacred place to just hang out with each other, or read a book or whatever -- without obligation to the outside world. Irony - submitted by Anonymous on 08/30/2008
So there's likely, not scientifically, but probably, an inverse relationship here between cleanliness and openness. The do-drop-in houses I know are invariably not the perfect homes I know. They are the ones with the piles of mail, the unfinished projects in the corner and books stacked on the table. One is more often welcome to pop in to a house like that then the trimmed and decorated showcases. I think this might reflect the temperament of the owner, one looking for order in all aspects of their life and one a little less structured. After all, if you weren't so busy entertaining the unexpected guest, or acting on this or that whim, well, you might have put those books back on the shelf. I like the idea of drop-in - submitted by Anonymous on 10/09/2008
I like the idea of drop-in guests, but my husband and I live in a very small apartment that gets messy easily. Also, chances are, if we're at home it's because we're relaxing or spending time together. I've come to terms with the place being less than perfect if friends stop by, but I don't like my time with my husband being lost. People usually don't just drop in for an hour, they drop in for the evening. Above all, my pet peeve is someone dropping in during dinner or when we're just about to serve dinner. To me, this is one time when you shouldn't knock at someone's door. And, if you do and it appears that they are just sitting down to eat, you tell them you'll come back another time. But, in my experience, people just come in anyway. I guess I can also relate to another poster who mentioned their home being a kind of sacred space, or safe haven. To me, my home is somewhere I can relax and be away from everything. I can walk around in Pj's if I want to, I can leave the cleaning up until later, and I can spend time with my husband. I prefer to go out and socialize, or invite people over for parties, or gatherings. Final note: I don't mind people coming over - i'd just appreciate it if people would call and ask if it's a good time first. That way its less awkward when they turn up on your doorstep, and you can both be sure it will be enjoyable and appreciated. Rarely does a column hit so - submitted by Chandler Carpet Cleaner on 03/23/2009
Rarely does a column hit so raw a nerve, but this one does. As a recovering neat-a-holic, I know too well how hard it is to drop my standards and let friends see any disarray in my house. Having moved from a more spontaneous culture to my current suburban enclave, I must admit I too was put off by neighbors who preferred to schedule one-hour playdates three weeks in advance. My feelings about the drop in vary wildly; a Tuesday night in late summer after a long day at work is the perfect time to share glass of wine with neighbor on the spur of the moment. But on a Saturday afternoon when both kids are out and you and your honey are finding the empty house especially enjoyable ? No thank you to uninvited company. <a href=http://www.carpetcleaningcoop.com/providers-Chandler-AZ.html>Chandler Carpet Cleaner</a>  |
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