B-Rant

- submitted by L. Keenan on 08/20/2008

Why are Mothers of Many Irked By Parents Who Are "One and Done?"

By Linda Keenan

Recently, one of my son Frank's 4-year-old girlfriends poked my tummy and said, "Do you have a baby in there?" It took all of my willpower not to say "Yes I have a nacho baby in there. I've been eating lots and lots and lots of nachos. And soon Frank will have a little nacho brother or sister! We are so blessed."

Of course it's not the little girl's fault that she is so interested in my reproductive plans. It comes naturally from her parents and all the others, who, as they are having their second, third and sometimes fourth child, begin indoctrinating the ones who came before on the joys of becoming the older sibling.

I've realized I've become marginalized as a parent who is resolutely "one and done." My sister in Manhattan is a "one and doner" like I am, but it's a little more common there. Here in the suburbs? We're an exotic breed.

In thinking about this story, I consulted with my beloved roommate Geri from my early single-girl days in New York, when, at one point, we lived together in 600-square-feet tops with two boyfriends and three cats. A decade later, we are both one-and-doners in the burbs.

Her son is a few years older than mine, and she warned me several years ago to begin bracing for the onslaught of ‘when are you going to have another BAAAABEEE?' and, as is usually the case, Geri was dead on. I asked her to e-mail me her analysis, and since she summed it up better than I could (she's a professional writer and all-around hilarious smarty-pants), I'm going to hand the open blog mic over to her:

I found myself saying this yet again today: "Yes, he is my only one." It's the answer I give several times a week now when other mothers ask me if my son is my only child. That question is usually followed up with, "Oh, are you trying for another?" with an ill-concealed glance at my belly. To that, I answer, "No. He's probably the only one we'll have."

And then I am met by silence and sometimes an uncomfortable cough. I am shocked at how many people ask, "But...WHY?" And my answer, "Because it's right for us," never gets much credit.

I wouldn't have thought that choosing to have only one child would be such a controversial thing. But I have found that it is. My husband and I never planned to have one child. We were firmly in the "two kids is a good number" camp. But after our son was born and we started kicking around ideas about when the next one should come, we felt there shouldn't be a next one.

There are lots of reasons for this - reasons that should matter only to my husband and me. But once people find out that we're not planning to have any more kids, they seem to feel entitled to all the private details. So, I occasionally offer explanations - about a rough pregnancy and career plans and our ages. But rarely is any explanation good enough; then they have to change my mind. I've heard it all:

"But your son will be lonely."

"Don't you worry that he'll grow up selfish?"

"Suppose something happens to him? Don't you want another just in case?"

"Are you not happy being a mother? Don't you like him?"

Sigh -- of course I worry about my son being lonely, though if he had siblings I would worry about him not getting along with them and being lonely anyway. How many people have mediocre (or worse) relationships with siblings?

I don't think being an only child makes one selfish; I know plenty of selfish people who come from large families. And if something happens to him...well, he cannot be replaced. The presence of additional children would not ease the loss of any child.

And that last question -- that's the one that irks me most. Suppose I said that, actually, I like my son so much that I am totally content and don't feel the need to have any more children?

These questions don't bother me because of some lingering doubt or insecurity I have. Rather, they bother me because I was raised to think that you don't butt into others' personal lives. No one is entitled to an explanation about the "unusual" makeup of my family.

I would never ask moms of four or five, "Aren't you worried about feeding all of them? How are you going to pay for college? Don't you think you have less of a relationship with your kids because there are so many of them? Don't you like the ones you have? Why do you keep having more?" Mostly I assume that these families have done what is right for them and that they are happy.

Which brings me to the Mommy Martyr Brigade, the women with three and four kids who complain and complain about how much they have on their plates. About how complicated it is. About how they have no time for anything and everything is a burden.

I feel like I'm judged less valid because I'm "only" the mother to one child. I find that I get viewed with a certain, "Well, la-di-da..." {attitude} by some other moms because I have it so easy. I only have one kid who has to get to T-ball. I only have one set of parent-teacher conferences to schedule. My life, according to them, is pretty damned sweet and easy. But then they {still} pity me for my poor, sad, lonely Only Child.

People do not see that mothering an Only is different from mothering two or three or four. I am parent and playmate. I do think I work harder in a different way than someone with more kids. I am more down-and-dirty with my son, out of necessity.

I think it's another battleground in the Woman Wars; one more way women pick on, and judge each other. It's the middle school cafeteria all over again.

If you have any comments, I promise to forward them to Geri as soon as I get them. Remember as "one and doners," Geri and I really have almost nothing to do, so I've got the time. OMG, All My Children's on!

Linda Keenan is a contributing writer at Burbia. Linda worked 7 years as a head writer/senior producer for various programs on CNN. Before that she worked as a writer/producer for Bloomberg TV. She now writes satire, primarily about parenting culture, at Thoroughly Modern Mommy ...read more rants

High five...No, low five. Aw, hug.

Lawn with unnecessary rock.

• Get it off your chest

Well put, by both of you. I

- submitted by Anonymous on 08/20/2008

Well put, by both of you. I think people can't handle anything that diverges from the norm of roughly 2 kids. So people with one are subtly or overtly criticized as are people with six, seven or eight. It comes from everyone wanting their own decisions reflected back at them so they get confirmation they chose the right path.

These overly-concerned

- submitted by Anonymous on 08/20/2008

These overly-concerned suburban moms remind me of my kids who, when they are bored, pick a fight with each other. Perhaps they need something more challenging to do during their day.

Very nicely depicted

- submitted by Larry on 08/20/2008

My wife and I had decided [waay back] that we were going to have only 2 kids. So after she became pregnant, I went and had a vasectomy. Well, we were rewarded by that deed with twins. This was back before ultrasounds and all that.

We do so love our kids but, now that our kids are grown and on their own and have their own kids, my wife and I have talked about it and we both came to the same conclusion that, given the opportunity to do it all over again, we would not have any kids.

Here's a suggested response to these nosey Nate's: "We found out where they come from." ...and just walk away.

Yeah, I've encountered nosy

- submitted by Annie on 08/20/2008

Yeah, I've encountered nosy questions multiple times before and it never ceases to amaze me how the size of your family suddenly becomes everyone else's business.

Since we have a girl and a boy - we not only get questions like 'is he going to have the snip now then?' and statements like 'oh, that's you done then - now you've got one of each.

It's completely absurd, and very annoying!

Bless you!

- submitted by Jeanne Sager on 08/20/2008

My oft-poked belly feels your pain!! I wrote a column for Babble about this a few months ago (http://www.babble.com/content/articles/features/personalessays/Sager/One-is-the-Awesomest-Number-Why-I-dont-want-a-second-child/)! We are a very un-lonely bunch indeed!

Well, with all due respect,

- submitted by Caitlin on 08/20/2008

Well, with all due respect, I still don't quite get it. Why someone who could have a second child wouldn't...but maybe that's just because I can't imagine life without my siblings and couldn't stand the intensity of having all that parental attention...growing up with no one there (a brother or sister) who understands what it's like to grow up in your household. I guess that's why I'm tempted to ask people if they're having a second and why it's hard to not betray my surprise when they say they are not. But I'll try harder to understand!

I'm glad you'll try harder

- submitted by Karen on 08/20/2008

I'm glad you'll try harder to understand, Caitlin. I'm in the camp of being unable to fathom that people think it's okay to get into my personal business.

What about those who have tried to get pregnant and have been unable to? Perhaps they're dying for a second and these cavalier personal questions are just gut-wrenching to them?

What about those who have lost pregnancies? Maybe they're thinking that they can't go through that pain again.

My babe is 9 months old. I haven't been asked about more yet, but I think I'll have a hard time answering any questions about it without using the f word.

I am quite happy with the beautiful girl I have. I don't see the reason to have more, but I don't question anyone else's decisions either. It's just not appropriate to ask these kinds of questions.

I like the attitude of 'assume everyone's happy with their choices'. I hope more people assume that attitude.

Honestly a great article,

- submitted by Anonymous on 08/21/2008

Honestly a great article, one of best I've ever read on subject. Im almost blown away, thnx

the other end…

- submitted by Sherra on 08/27/2008

I'm tardy as usual. I'd blame my four kids on my tardiness but I was late a lot way before I had them. Just wanted to weigh in as I saw the great title on kirtsy and just got around to clicking over to read it.

Frankly, as a mom of four who wasn't even going to be a mom, I often recommend to moms of one that there is NOTHING wrong with being an only child! One + twins in just under two years about did me in. Then we actually planned the last one who is referred to in public by complete strangers as an "oops" baby more times than I can count.

I'm offended that people feel the need to bug their eyes or make comments about me having four. And yes, we do know what caused them - thanks for that free advice, stranger.

Please tell your friend Geri that I'm not a member of the Mommy Martyr Brigade. We are all BUSY and I refuse to play that "Who is busier" game with other women.

I have several girlfriends who chose to have "just one" and sure, I'm envious sometimes of what I perceive is a fabulous decision. Others wish they could have more. Ahh, the grass is always greener…

How about if we all agree that family planning (or lack thereof in my case) is nobody's business?! Really, that is what it's about, isn't it? Strangers and barely warm acquaintances getting in our business!

I call a truce on the Mommy Wars and would much rather support each other with those magic words - do what works FOR YOU!

Thanks for letting me rant ;)

People need to butt out

- submitted by Jessmama on 09/07/2008

Your article was very enlightening... and yet so familiar. As a mother of 5, with the first 4 born within 4.5 years of each other (no twins, lol), I've faced the criticism on the opposite end of the spectrum. We also have a son with special needs, so you can imagine the extra dose of criticism. We all will have our own plans & ideas for family size, based on what reasons or religious convictions we each have. For people in public to stick their nose into the most intimate area of your family life-- well, shame on them. Besides, do they really think their critique is valued by you, a stranger passing by in the store?? Yes, it affects you.. hurts greatly, but why would we take that as 'advice'? It is so true.. just as my being offended at the rude & crude comments about my large family... it is just as painful for a mom of one (or none) to be targeted. I went through a season of miscarriages and got a taste of what it must feel like to be infertile or not planning on any children. I painfully dismissed the comments. Let's never forget that God is on control of creating life & directing our ways. So, next time you feel like asking the mom of many or the mom of one hurtful questions, think again... those moms are not accountable to anyone but the Lord and their husbands.

Sincerely, A happy mom to 5 beautiful children

Same here in the UK Suburbs

- submitted by Liz on 09/15/2008

We've only had one child, we had many reasons. We've never been able to get pregnant again, but the expense of childcare, new home and larger cars etc have played a part. But we are a happy little unit and now she's 5 I don't really see the point in having more children it's not like they'll ever play together, which is the usual reason for having more children. Our daughter is adored, she's social and is never short of playmates and is a very happy girl.

However there is one mother at the school gate who seems to have taken great offence at our 'one' child status and seems to take great delight at making catty comments on a daily basis about our 'poor' daughter. The latest was that isn't it a shame we don't have an older sibling for her, so she'd have some second hand school uniform! Well as I pointed out I got pregnant 6 days after our wedding and I'd already lost one baby, hopefully that made her back off!

A few people generally relatives have made the odd comment over the years, but nothing like this venom from an almost stranger, I was truly shocked. Hopefully I'll not come across her like again anytime soon!

So you have my sympathy and thanks for letting me have a rant :)

I understand

- submitted by mommy of 4 & more on 10/17/2008

Well...I'm on the other side. We have 4 and we are going to have more. We got all kinds of horrible questions after 2 and 3, but they stopped when we answered with "We're not having anymore, it's fixed" and it really was. When my husband got a vas reversal, family and others were appalled. I've gotten it all. One person whom I hadn't seen in a very long time actually found out I have four and asked me if my husband had a job. I replied "No. We're on welfare." She dropped her mouth opened stunned. Isn't that what she wanted to hear? Haha. Yes my husband has a job. A pretty darned good one. A relative also asked me how could we afford all these kids, they gotta have all the latest gadgets and the jeans with holes in them to which I replied "My kids put holes in their jeans just fine without me." LoL! It really is nobodies freakin business. Don't judge me and I won't judge you. I'm not in the business of telling people that don't want kids or don't want more to go ahead and have them. How silly is that? It's just as silly as assuming that since I'm having more than 2 that I must be a high school drop-out on welfare. I know so many people who have tried for years or have had miscarriage after miscarriage and they hear stuff like what you are saying. How awful! People should think before they open their mouths.

I'm a mother of three and I

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/03/2009

I'm a mother of three and I have to admit that I've had the thoughts you're describing before and I've probably asked inappropriate questions. But reading about your point of view and recently reading about people who either choose to have none or can't have children has changed the way I think about this and I promise to be more sensitive in the future.

I've known all my life I

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/04/2009

I've known all my life I never wanted children, and though I do sympathize with the comments and harassment you get for "one and done", I'm pretty sure "But what's WRONG with you?" gets tossed my way even more than it does yours. Regardless, good for you for knowing what's right for you and your family and then sticking to it.

Such an interesting article!

- submitted by Anonymous on 10/31/2009

Such an interesting article! I applaud your strength for dealing with such rudeness. It is hard to believe that people would ask you such personal questions, but I suppose that is just the way of the world these days. I am a young woman but I know even now that I will never have any children. I am not maternal in any sense and children make me uncomfortable. I simply have no desire to reproduce. The reactions I get when I tell people this can be shocking. They assume something is 'wrong' with me or they just give me a knowing look and say 'oh, I'm sure you'll change your mind'. No, no I will not. It was so comforting to hear the stories of other women who have dealt with the ramifications of making less-than- traditional reproductive choices. Thanks!

Great post!

- submitted by Anji on 11/23/2009

Ruth over at Mothers For Women's Lib wrote a post recently titled "The Question That Hurts" which I thought you might be interested in. It's about people's rudeness in asking "When's number two?" http://mothersforwomenslib.com/2009/11/08/the-question-that-hurts/

Also, I'm going to include this in the next Carnival Of Feminist Parenting, at the same blog, if that's all right with you?

Even when you have 2

- submitted by Rayven on 12/14/2009

I have friends who only have one child and I've heard all these things from them before. I also have a close friend who grew up an only child (great person!), but she got alot of "aren't you lonely?", "don't you wish you had someone around?", "you must get everything you want". None of which was the case. She didn't get everything she wanted and she loved the fact that in her parents two-bedroom home she didn't have to share her room like some of our friends had to.

When my husband and I had our first child we were on the fence about another one. After our second was born we knew before we even left the hospital that we were done. The rest of the world doesn't seem to think that way, which is very fustrating. We have two boys and we constantly hear "Oh don't you want a little girl?", and the answer is no, but people don't seem to get that. I tell them that we tried for a girl and got a boy and we are happy with that, but then I get the "well you never know the 3rd time could be the one".

We (the hubby and I) have even tried to get sterilized and been denied because we don't have enough children for our age (both of us are under 30). One doctor even had the nerve to say "well if something where to happen to one of your children you may want to have another". Ummm NO!! Why would I do that. That won't bring him back, and it's very morbid to even say something of that nature.

People's choices on reproducing should be respected. I have friends who don't have any kids and they are called selfish which just blows my mind. IMO if folks spent more time with their kids instead of worrying about how many other people have then maybe we wouldn't have so many problems in this world. But that is just my opinion.

this is a tough one

- submitted by thefeministbreeder on 12/21/2009

I just posted an article about "backseat parents" - those who think it's their god-given right to poke into your parenting business. Those people suck. I will admit though (because my husband and I are both only children) that being an only child sucks so hardcore - for both of us. I cannot describe how endlessly sad it makes the two of us not to have any siblings to share our lives with. We are also the only people in the world responsible for taking care of our parents when they're older, and that is going to be a huge burden on us, especially because both sides are divorced, which stretches us very thin. I know there are people who liked being an only child, but for the life of me, my husband and I cannot understand it. No siblings in your wedding... nobody to understand your parents the way you do, no aunts/uncles to your children. I didn't want kids at all, but once we had one, we knew we had to have more, just as much for our child as for ourselves. I think when people butt into this subject, it might be just because they do care or understand why it pays to have more than one. Nobody should judge you for your decision - just know it's possible that they're coming from a caring place.

The "joy" of siblings.

- submitted by Anonymous on 01/13/2010

I don't yet have children and we are currently planning only one. I wanted to weigh in though about those people who ask if only-children can be happy without siblings. As someone who has siblings and wished she didn't, I can safely say that we will ALL feel loneliness from time to time and loneliness when you know there are siblings who could share if they weren't so stuck on themselves, is doubly hurtful. I have an older half-sister who still harbors resentment that I was born and she had to share our father's attention. She is 9 years older than me and throughout my childhood I remember frequent episodes of emotional and physical abuse at her hands (particularly because my parents made her take me on dates with her thinking that my presence would act as a contraceptive). I have an older step-sister who also resents my brother and I because her father (and our mother) spent money on my education and refused to help her continue hers after she became pregnant her junior year of college (our parents are very much in the 'you made your bed now lie in it' school of retributive parenting). I have a younger brother and we did not get along until he was an older teenager. Further my younger brother is an egotistical, sexist, lazy person who sincerely believes the world owes him everything he wants. He is also our mother's favorite which has been particularly painful for me. I also have a baby half-sister who is gauranteed to have more options in life than I did just by virtue of coming later in life for parents who were still climbing ladders when I arrived. No state college or college debt for the baby but it was "good enough" for me.

Basically, my entire life, even now as an adult, has been a fight - actual violence at the hands of my sister, a fight for attention, love, and basic respect as a girl (those without penis' are not of great value in our family). It has also been a fight against feelings of inadequacy (because it is OBVIOUS I am no one's favorite), loneliness, and anger.

Had I been consulted, I would have chosen to be the one and only child for someone rather than have siblings.

Best of luck!

Not a LACK, but an OPPORTUNITY!

- submitted by Karla on 01/13/2010

People misunderstand only-child-dom as being characterized as a LACK of something (siblings, sharing skills, socialization, etc) and not as a space to potentially GAIN great things.

Here are some things I gained as a direct result of being an only child.

Growing up surrounded by adults, I quickly developed the ability to communicate effectively with them -- for example, being calm and articulate even when other kids would just yell and scream. However, this skill serves me well as an adult, and I give credit to those extra years of practice.

Further, because I always represented only my own interests (and was not a member of a "pack"), I was able to negotiate with my parents. Negotiation is less feasible when there are more children around, as there is ambiguity about whether the deal struck applies to the other child. This is yet another skill which I have fine-tuned, with no small thanks to my only-child status.

And lastly, in dealing with "superiors" for my whole childhood, in adulthood I am now utterly unphased by interacting with "important" people. I can make conversation as easily, and with as much confidence regardless of whether I'm speaking with a friend in a pub or a world leader. This confidence serves me very well in situations such as job interviews... in fact, I've yet to interview for a job and NOT have it offered to me.

(In the interests of disclosure, though, I DID flunk "Sharing" in Kindergarten. There are always tradeoffs in life...) ^_^

So, while this is all merely my own experience, I strongly encourage others to view only-child parenting as an opportunity to equip your child with extraordinarily useful (and somewhat rare) skills.