B-Rant

- submitted by G. Clark on 09/09/2008

  

Yo, Contractor, What Part of 'Tomorrow' Don't You Understand?

By Geri Clark

We recently added a rather large chunk onto our house. Although most people would rather root canal their own teeth than re-tile a bathroom, my husband and I actually like to mess with our house. (Well, we like to hire people to mess with our house. We are not actually handy; we just have a vision.) We also come through renovations still liking each other and our contractors.

In this dicey economy, I venture that more people will be improving rather than moving, and as I now speak Contractor like it's my first language, I'd like to offer a translation primer for homeowners who are newer to the renovation game.

"start date"

You might be told November 15, but don't get up that day and expect ground breaking. This is but the loosest of approximations. Being able to start actually depends on a number of mysterious factors -- permits from the town (which tend to be issued only when town flunkies are in a good mood); surveys; environmental tests; the occasional bribe to a non-elected official. At the end of it, no one really knows what your start date is, so don't get your hopes up. One day, it'll just happen.

"four months"

This really means about nine months. There is actually a complicated algebraic equation for converting Contractor Time to Homeowner Time, but don't trouble yourself with it. Just take the estimate you are given, double it, and add a month. That'll be close enough.

Your builder is sincere when he gives you a time frame, but there is no way in hell he's gonna make it. Holdups happen. Sometimes the weather doesn't cooperate. In my case, we were delayed a month because the steel beam we needed to support our addition was late because the beam guys had a Christmas party and were too hung over to safely handle a 1,000-pound piece of steel.

"sanitation fee"

Contractor-speak for, "I am charging you to put a porta-lav in your yard." Builders think they are doing you a favor by bringing in a giant outdoor chamber pot and plopping it upwind of your house. They'll say, "Oh...we don't want to bother you by using your bathroom." They don't consider that you and your neighbors will have to smell "four months" worth of human excrement every day. And you will be paying for the privilege.

"custom"

"Custom" is a sneaky word that really means "expensive." Builders LOVE custom cabinetry. "It's solid wood," they'll tell you. "Not that veneered crap from Home Depot. We can make it fit your space EXACTLY. You can customize it!"

What they will not tell you is that it costs three times more than it should and the cabinet guy is not getting it done in three weeks. Your whole job will be held up for a bathroom vanity that you could've bought from a catalog. And when it's done, no one but you will know that it's all specially-made and you will feel compelled to keep it forever because you know how expensive it was.

"tomorrow"

A contractor will say, as he's walking out the door, "I'll take care of that tomorrow..." Do not get confused. "Tomorrow" is actually a building term that means, "at some point before you give me that last check." Once you understand this, you will stop wasting entire weeks of your life waiting for something to happen.

"full-time"

A GC's full time day typically lasts from 8:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. with an hour for lunch.

"clean"

To your GC "clean" means, "We picked most of the rusty nails up off the playroom floor. You don't really mind the dust that is getting inside the food in your pantry do you?" If you are thinking that your house will be so livable that you could, say, host a PTA coffee or have the neighbors over for cocktails while this is going on, you need to get a grip.

"I do all my own work."

Contractor-speak for, "I am trying to make as much money as possible by not hiring subcontractors and this will slow your job down considerably."

"punch list"

A bunch of little things that your builder didn't bother to do the first time and now there are so many of them that it'll take him a week to catch up. He most likely plans to get to it all tomorrow.

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