B-Rant

- submitted by J. Glarsten on 09/17/2008

Musings on Bad Timing, Market Meltdowns, Short Pants and Sandals

By J. Glarsten

I bought a house a few days ago. Monday, September 15. The day the stock market crashed nearly five percent. When Lehman collapsed, AIG was begging and on the verge of tanking and everybody -- especially the impossibly nitwitted, quasi-human Suze Orman-like TV freaks -- were screaming that the sky (possibly the atmosphere) is falling, the financial system is in ruin and, for God sakes, buy gold or CDs (not the music kind, even Suze knows how to steal those online), anything but...Jesus, don't say it, REAL ESTATE.

I bought the real estate and I feel fine. I like the house I bought. I can afford it. If its value goes down -- which it will, really a matter of how miserably -- I can tolerate it (though I won't like it) and, what the fuck else was I supposed to do? Bail out last minute? Stay in my piece of shit rental where the roof leaks, the pipes function like those waterfall rides at Action Park, the landlord wants to double my rent and the lease ends anyway (thankfully) in a few months?

I went to my closing in shorts and sandals. My wife was appalled. Who dresses like that to a business transaction? People who work in their beach houses in Malibu, I said. She said, you don't work in Malibu. I know, but where does it say somebody who works in a claustrophobic home-office in New Jersey (AC also broken, not fixed) can't dress like a Hollywood dealmaker too?

The other parties at the closing were in suits. The lawyers were living in their Blackberries. (Stock market updates, tickers.) It felt like a wake. They served stale cookies on a plastic tray and coffee in paper cups. The sellers looked grim. The guy-seller who I saw a month or two ago confidently dressed in a crisp tan summer suit at some insufferably dull local fundraiser was now in something dark, his tie off at an angle, barely reaching his Adam's apple. Possibly because they (the sellers) sold me their house in order to buy something much bigger, much more expensive and because, I'd heard the other day, the primary money-maker in the family (the woman-seller) had just lost her job. On Wall Street. Sucks.

Like I said, I felt fine. I was in shorts and sandals. I thought, maybe if everyone else wore shorts and sandals, they'd have felt closer to fine too. Probably not.

My point? The economy sucks. Corporate greed and incompetence and lack of accountability suck. Government greed and incompetence and lack of accountability also suck.

There are a lot of people out there who are suffering financially and I feel genuinely bad for them. I read our mortgage papers. I have a law degree. I'm educated (way too educated; most people don't know I attended film school; I've worked as a "Best Boy," a "Key Grip", but that's another thing). I could barely understand every other sentence in the mortgage papers. I can now vividly see how many people less educated -- who thought they made one kind of deal, were tossed a pile of these papers, asked some questions, were told, yea these incomprehensible words really do reflect the deal you think you're making -- learned a few weeks/months/years later that they were completely screwed. They had no clue.

Our sellers weren't in that position. They had (or used to have) money. They actually were of Wall Street, good business schools, etc. And they...I don't really know. But they were unhappy, they looked over-extended, they lived very very well and now...like I said, I don't really know.

They're not alone. Thing is, a lot of people weren't screwed. I wasn't. I'm going to lose money if the housing market goes down more -- which it will. If I knew four or five months ago exactly what I know now I probably wouldn't have offered on the house. But I'm not going broke. Neither are lots of people. But some are, or they're at least in trouble; and some of us, a lot of us, including those who aren't in trouble, are guilty too....

Of greed and carelessness. And tolerance of too much of that in those we should hold accountable (other than ourselves). We're guilty of not demanding more from the corporate non-leaders whose companies we invest in. And of not demanding more from our political non-leaders who too often are complicit in or at least tolerant of the corporations' behaviors. (My View: Note To Corporate Officers...you want a bail-out or special government -- i.e., taxpayer -- help, first thing you do is give back all the big bucks you've made at that company while fucking up. In fact, come to think of it, give a lot of it back anyway, so all the employees you've laid off so you can keep raking in the huge money can either get their jobs back or use the money to live.)

I've seen more house-for-sale signs in my area over the past few days than in the past month. Who are these people, did they get screwed, screw themselves, how much trouble are they suddenly in? In six of ten houses I counted in one of the more "affluent" towns, there was at least one BMW, Lexus or Mercedes in the driveway. Five houses had beautiful house-long decks or porches. Four had three-car garages; one had a four-car garage.

One of my favorite details of the past few days -- hearing from Alan Greenspan again. Isn't he in jail or Greenland? Doesn't he feel shame; or the mainstream media feel enough skittishness for lionizing him that they might not want to blithely seek out his wisdom again? Alan ("There's No Such Thing As A Housing Bubble") Greenspan now believes things were pretty bad back "then"; in fact, he says, nothing this bad has happened in the past 50 years, possibly the past 100 years and, he predicts (going out on a huge limb), it will take "some time" for all of it to "work itself out." Enough time, no doubt, for Alan to continue to pull in the big bucks from all the corporate gigs he's now involved in.

Meanwhile, I'm preparing to move into my house. I had wanted to renovate the basement -- nothing big, just turn the cracked linoleum floored laundry room into a state of the art "guys" 24/7 entertainment hang-out center. Will have to wait on that one.

I will be continuing to wear my shorts and sandals. Yesterday I ran into the lawyer who repped our sellers. We were at Dunkin Donuts and he asked me how I was doing. I said, fine. He said, good...then, really? I ordered a box of cinnamon Munchkins. He said, you know, I've done closings for 14 years and I've never seen anyone attend in...what you're wearing now. Shorts. T-shirt. He laughed. I offered him the Munchkin box. He declined. He was in a suit. He ordered black coffee, extra-large. He said, it hasn't been as bad as it could've been, has it? I assumed he meant the stock market.

I said, no. He said (he shouldn't have), they're in trouble. I understood. I figured, I said. I said, if they'd wanted to call things off, I don't know, we would've talked about it. He said, they couldn't. They'd already closed on their new house -- huge, nearly double the cost, the oldest section of town, bordering the country club.

I stuffed a Munchkin in my mouth. He grabbed a couple. I gotta give you credit, he said. 14 years. He left. I imagined he loosened his tie. I grabbed my coffee. Extra large, extra milk and sugar.

J. Glarsten is a writer and former lots-of-things who used to travel regularly between NYC and LA and then moved to the suburbs. He hasn't left his house since. ...read more rants

2/3 garage, 1/3 living space. Perfect!

A dog. A hero. A memorial most heads of state would woof for.

For sale. For people who like trees. A lot.

• Get it off your chest

Wow, don't know what to say,

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/17/2008

Wow, don't know what to say, like ordering an ice cream sundae with so many toppings you don't know where to stop but you like it.

I thought Greenspan was in

- submitted by policalhumorguy on 09/17/2008

I thought Greenspan was in prison Greenland too. He should be

Funny person at work thnx

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/17/2008

Funny person at work thnx

Brilliant, you need help,

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/18/2008

Brilliant, you need help, where do i get the sandals

My town has more signs now

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/18/2008

My town has more signs now than moonth ago too. Stupid people get greedy and buy houses they cant afford, they dont read their mortgages, boo hoo. People should grow up and blame those really responsible,m themselves.

love it.

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/19/2008

love it.

this guys a riot. Shorts and

- submitted by haberdasher on 09/19/2008

this guys a riot. Shorts and sandals for everyone!

nuce

- submitted by jared on 09/19/2008

Great writing. It's important at times like these not to take things to seriously - obviously that's hard when you're loosing tons of money. I guess the lesson is don't over extend yourself.

What the heck is so unusual

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/20/2008

What the heck is so unusual about wearing shorts and a Tshirt everywhere. Was it winter?

I Love Your Post!!!!!!!

- submitted by Trish on 09/20/2008

Down here in Texas, Houston area,(before Ike)the housing market was bad, but not as bad as in other places. Now, my heart goes out to the people who's houses were swept away! Then, what if those owners were financially strapped?

Your casual attire isn't unusual for us. Maybe it's the heat. The guys who can wear those suits in 90 degree weather with humidity making it feel over 100 have loosened "corporate attire". Our lawyers wear suits only when it's court time.

I don't get it? Finances seem so simple to me. Don't live above your means, don't put all your money in one thing,history always repeats it self...the stock market will go up and it will go down, buy when it's down and don't panic and if you are going to buy a house/can't afford to put furniture in it it's too big.

You are fine and should be with your house! And, linoleum floors those are environmentally friendly...too bad for the cracks.

whats unusual about shorts

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/20/2008

whats unusual about shorts and sandals is that most people go to business meetings like these like they're attending a funeral at least in ny and ct area. if i worse shorts and sandals to a closing my wife would scream. that wouldn't be such a bad thing, so maybe i will. i am so fing sick of khakis and tie and shoes blah blah and thats supposed to be casual

oh the trouble in wisconsin

- submitted by Nathan Hannig on 09/20/2008

Too bad GW Bush can't run a 3rd year. Obama will screw things up. Only Bush can repair the damage.

like peas in pod...

- submitted by taelor on 09/20/2008

funny thing is, i just wore shorts (swimming shorts) and sandals to my closing. board shorts. beat that.

im with you though, if everyone could just dress a little more comfortably, they could live a little more comfortably.

Horrible grammar

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/20/2008

I could only read about half of your blog before the utterly horrible grammar made it unreadable. Have you never heard of putting quotation marks around text in which the words are spoken aloud? I'm pretty sure that is covered sometime around 3rd grade English class.

Buying a house is pretty much always better than renting, and if you don't turn around and try to sell less than 10-15 years later, usually always sure to MAKE money rather than lose it (you can only lose on the short term, pretty much). Buying a house isn't "with stupid", but your atrocious grammar is.

Next time, skip out on the periods, paragraphs and commas and just make it one giant wall of text, as it's really not going to be able to me that much less readable than it already is.

Im not sorry for anyone

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/20/2008

Well, personally Its every Americans Responsiblity to Vote, and to make sure corruption like which has occured the last 8 yrs of the Bush Adminstration to not happen. Frankly the entire market of the United States has sold out to Foreign countrys like China. All the money in the world cannot put USA back together again literally. USA dug there hole and it was deeper than 6 feet. And its going to ironic when The "Terrorists" are the ones who pull down a hand so the USA can get out of the hole they dug for themselves. I say all those Real Estate Agents and Business Degree holders in Wall street all need to go back to the basics. Like Plus and Minus equations that we learn in grade school. So frankly I say you made your bed now you sleep in it America. Its every American Citizens responsiblity to your own country. So when you sign a contract talk to a dam lawyer before hand, and ask some direct questions. If the lawyer who specializes in these types of contracts doesnt' know those questions. don't sign anything untill he is 100% sure. Congrads, Dynamos for a job well done. I don't feel sorry for anyone that got screwed over. An old saying is common sense isn't so common. Bravo USA not only did you screw yourselfs over you screwed over indirectly many other countrys. With great power comes great responsiblity amasing that such wise words came from a comic book instead of War and Peace.

To: oh the trouble in WI

- submitted by Who cares? on 09/20/2008

I hope you're kidding. First he's already been there 8 years, and it would be his 3rd term. Secondly, in these past 8 years Bush has dumped BILLIONS of OUR money on a war, that he lied about to get into. So I don't know what kind of back woods logic you're using to conclude that more FUCKING BUSH is the answer. So please elaborate for me.

Cause all anyone needs to know, is that our monetary system (ie. the Federal Reserve - which is not US property btw -it's an independent cartel of international bankers) is like the "house" at the casino. And we're the dumbasses bellying up to the slots.

I recommend everyone spend some time researching our monetary system - you'll be in for a rude awakening.

lashing yourself to an anchor in stormy seas...

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/20/2008

I too own a home. It is a bit of a scary feeling, wonderful as well. I think the biggest luxury one can give oneself in this joke of a society that rewards extreme exploitiation by the wealthiest and incarcerates the rest for the least of infractions like smoking a joint or missing a mortgage payment, while the CEO of a tits-up financial firm gets 10 or 15 million to walk away, is no debt. Thats right in a society that demands us at every corner to take a loan, a credit card, some interest free checks, the best thing is to raise your middle finger and say no thanks to the chains they wish to slip around our necks. Debt is the new slavery, it locks in millions in prison of their own greed, surrounded by big screen TV and SUVs they don't need and will soon become obsolete or otherwise useless.

It would seem in a capitalist society such as ours, it would benefit the greater society to educate every child in basic aspects of finance and money management. We are throwing our progeny to the wolves naked and defenseless as we ourselves were. If we do not break this chain, we will be bound by the chains of debt.

I own my house, I paid off a 30 year mortgage in 15 years, not because I was an economic genius, but because I hated the bank that bought my loan. Sometimes hate is useful, I don't feel the blastwaves from wallstreets collapsing debt machine in my cute little house with the paid for car in the garage (18 year old BMW - tip buy well built things once - its cheaper than replacing them over and over and over)

So congratulations on your purchase, and if you can afford it, pay it off as soon as possible. Even if you did pay too much for it, once its yours, its priceless. I sleep well despite the fact I will lose my job in 60 days, because I have 4 years salary in the bank. These are the sort of things you can do if you don't owe anyone any money.

To be debt free is the best gift one can give oneself. I encourage everyone to make the effort and even if you don't reach the finish line you will be healthier with every step of the journey.

May your new home bring you much joy, now and into the future. Good luck to you and everyone who reads this, for we shall certainly need it.

RE: Horrible grammar

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/20/2008

Funny how your post uses questionable choices in writing that make you look like an amateur, and by default, a hypocrite.

1. The word unreadable is very ugly and ignorantly American by invention. The real English term is illegible.

2. Here's another beauty, and I quote "Have you never heard of putting quotation marks around text...".

I believe you must have meant Have you EVER heard of...

3. Final pinch, "as it's really not going to be able to me that much less readable than it already is".

This one makes me laugh due to it being on the topic of legibility, yet it isn't very legible itself.

You, my friend, are in need of remedial English classes. Bloody hypocrite.

houses

- submitted by steve on 09/20/2008

i bought a house to live in that i could afford. seems thats the two things many people forgot to consider. i wonder how many of the same people got caught up in the dot com bubble burst a while back

I don't usually comment. I'm

- submitted by Ken Gordon on 09/20/2008

I don't usually comment. I'm a book editor and I happened on the piece. I can't resist responding to the last commenter's nonsense. To the idiot who made the last comment about legibility,anonymously of course: 1) You're a pedantic fool and should probably be reading My Weekly Reader--Old Queen's version for you proper Queen's or moron's English. Wow, no quotation marks! Horror. Fact that you couldn't read it doesn't mean it's bad or "unreadable" or should I say, "illegible." It means you don't like it. Based on your comments it probably also means, in fact, it's quite the opposite of bad. Also, just a note: The article doesn't say anything about quotations, as you seem to refer in your point 1. WTF are you talking about? Please don't answer because I don't want to know but, please, stop pretending to edit from on high and making inane comments like that 2) Unfortunately it's not clear whether you're just a careless fool---overly complex mortgage papers should be referred to as "ILLEGIBLE" and not "UNREADABLE"?---or a pompous fool. In America, "illegible" has come to characterize primarily the state of penmanship in written documents rather than the substance of the writing. So, "readable", however bastardized it may be by Americans, is preferable to "legible" in this context. 3) Your conclusion of hypocrisy is priceless. Ironic in fashions you wouldn't understand. Sometimes people find it fun to read things that aren't conventionally written. No quotation marks, arrest him! Sentences longer than usual! Used a comma when he should've used a semi! Ha, F the hypocrite! Good luck. All I can say is Thank God I'm no longer in Middle School English class wheare too many teachers like you aim at the tiny instead of the large and confuse unthinking convention with correctness and creativity.

Don't worry

- submitted by Sailingzocean on 09/20/2008

Isn't that the way all closings are done? that's the way we do them here in Newport Beach, CA... spend the day at the beach and then go sign papers, usually with sand on our feet. Congrats... at least you are a statistic for home sales now!!

Musings

- submitted by Surfinby on 09/20/2008

In a time when all around are demanding bail-outs your article is refreshing.

Good writing. Good viewpoint. Wouldn't work in business, where the suit and smile disguises the incompetence, but representing yourself, in shorts and sandals, well you have done yourself proud.

And don't forget that the pleasant lawyer at the coffee shop concurred with the documents you found, convoluted.

Another suit.

I enjoyed this, so much

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/20/2008

I enjoyed this, so much garbage online it's nice to read something bright and funny. Its not easy making this subject airy but this is, I think. I'm pleasantly surprised

To that comment person who

- submitted by JilKren on 09/20/2008

To that comment person who skewered the grammar freak, thank you. That was beautiful, hon, wish I could say it as well.

huh?

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/20/2008

Sorry, I may have missed the point of this article. Shirts and sandal at a closing - that's a big deal? Something to write an article about? It isn't a job interview or a trial, you just have to show up and sign some papers. Who even does this in person with the sellers anymore these days? I think you're trying to draw some contrast between yourself and the unfortunate business people as a metaphor for something, but it doesn't make any sense to me.

Also, why were you buying a house 5 months ago? The market meltdown being on the same day as your signing doesn't make that original decision any worse, it was awful to begin with. There aren't any more rentals available where you live? Buying anytime in the past year, unless you have some serious capital gains to offset or something else that makes the predictable 5 years to break even with the original investment make sense, is a colossally bad decision.

Seriously, are we supposed to give you an "attaboy" for "sticking it to the man" or whatever you think you did? Seems like you're rationalizing a bad financial decision with some sort of bohemian bravado. Weird...

if guy signed agreement

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/20/2008

if guy signed agreement months ago and had to close last week, he was screwed because world has changed a lot since deal made. could he have gotten out of deal, maybe, but he would've lost what could've been a lot of money on deposit (in northeast it's sometimes as high as 15%). he'd also have been in default of his agreement so if sellers couldn't have sold at same price he'd probably be responsible for their loss too. thats potentailly a lot of bucks. i don't think his point is self congratulations at all. i think he makes maybe too many points not all equally well but he probably knows that and is enjoyin it. i enjoyed the story so it doesn't bother me.

Does everybody have to

- submitted by Kate on 09/20/2008

Does everybody have to desconstruct everything. Let it go, guys, this isn't a treatise from Economist. I laughed more than anything, that's enough.

Wow

- submitted by Jiffer Whiffer on 09/21/2008

LOL, What about McSames LIES. Constant LIES, Lies on top of lies.

Jiff www.anonymize.us.tc

Also closed this week...

- submitted by Christopher on 09/21/2008

We closed on Tuesday, not Monday, but again the previous owners had two Escalades and were living well beyond their means. It's true that people are going broke because of the market dip—okay, more like a 10,000 foot drop due to turbulence—but it seems it's the ones that have way overextended themselves or were profiting during the second–set–of–books years leading up to the current financial crisis.

Glad your sticking to it

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/21/2008

You are the type of person we needed all along in this shitty housing bust... a real investor/stable individual who knows what he wants, can afford it, and sticks to it. You stick to your investment and your obligation through thick and thin. I commend you.

http://www.everythingsucky.com/

thius is great, sandals wtf

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/22/2008

thius is great, sandals wtf but really like this one

bought house in dying market

- submitted by Anonymous on 09/28/2008

I've considered it, and yes you are a a moron. with the 1.2 trillion dollar congressional bailout of wall street, you will soon be as screwed up as the rest of the country. Better start looking for a sweet underpass and a nice cardboard box. Life just changed, but like a rock falling you won't know til you hit the ground.