B-Rant

- submitted by Linda Keenan on 02/19/2009

  

10 Random Things About My Butt

By Linda Keenan

In honor of the unstoppable chain-letter confessionals running rampant on Facebook, I'd like to offer up 10 random things about my butt. If you read this, you are required to send it to 20 friends because, let's face it, we need to know more about each other's butts.

1. No one will ever call my butt a "badonkadonk," and that's a cryin' shame.
2. The color of my butt, I would say, is Sherwin-Williams "Medici Ivory", which is a lot classier on the paint card than on my butt.
3. I believe, in principle, that no one of my butt type should ever wear a thong. That said, I was morbidly impressed that Monica Lewinsky wore a thong and wore it proudly. With a butt like hers (and mine), that takes balls. 
4. If my butt were on the front of me rather than the back, I would be significantly more depressed about myself than I am.
5. I once picked up a chair with my butt in the toddler room of a children's library.
6. One day, I complained about my butt to a male friend and he told me was checking out my butt earlier in the day, admiringly. I will never forget this compliment and will cling to it until my dying breath.
7. I don't think of Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian as girls with notable butts; I think of them as magical, like mermaids. They have butts that make smart men stupid. If that's not magic, I don't know what is
8. I will always dance to butt songs like "Baby Got Back!" but I must look really ridiculous because those songs are really not written for butts like mine; flat, wide, unremarkable. 
9. For quite a long time, I was obsessed with an African dance called the Mapouka because it seemed like the butts of the fetching gals who dance the Mapouka have precisely what my butt lacks: color, shape, spirit and independence of movement. (Look it up on YouTube. You won't regret it. But not in front of the kids.)
10. I once considered wearing one of those butt shapers and yet, inevitably, I would have this nightmare hook-up scenario where the mystery man who'd been enticed with my newly shapely butt is left staring at it, hanging on a bedpost, realizing it was not, in fact, my butt that seduced him, but a high-priced undergarment I saw on Oprah.

Pass it on, pay it forward: if we knew more about each other's butts, would there be as many wars, divorce, Facebook de-friending?

I don't think so....read more rants