- submitted by steve levenstein on 04/01/2009
ShamWTF? The Incredible Tales of Vince Shlomi
By Steve Levenstein
The world of television and the Internet universe has been rocked -- ROCKED I say -- by the arrest of Vince Shlomi, aka "ShamWow! Guy", under circumstances that are bizarre to say the least. Here are a few highlights: Shlomi (also known as Vince Offer) is facing felony battery charges after police were called to his South Beach hotel room. Found with Shlomi was a 26-year-old alleged prostitute who claims Shlomi paid her $1000 and then punched her repeatedly in the head. As for Shlomi, he justified the battery to the cops by stating the girl "bit his tongue and would not let go" when he kissed her. Shades of Midnight Express! According to the police report, "Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons." Shlomi's mugshot rates right down there with those other celebrity low-lights Glen Campbell and Nick Nolte. Wow, just wow... and no sham either.
(The Smoking Gun)
What went wrong for Shlomi, the poor shlub? The guy was cruising along, seemingly at the pinnacle of his career and a household name thanks to those over-the-top ShamWow! ads. He may have worn a mouthpiece but he was much more than one himself -- marketing ShamWow! was Shlomi's idea and by his own admission sold "millions of towels". He'd already made an impact with a new product, the Slap Chop food chopper, frenetically flogged using instant legendary memes like "you're gonna love my nuts". Reasonably handsome and a bona fide celebrity, he could've had admiring (and accommodating) females hanging off him like, well, ShamWow!'s and, ahem, lovin' his nuts 'til the cows came home - so what was he doing paying for it?
Looking back at Shlomi's history, however, makes his arrest seem just slightly less shocking. There's more than meets the eye when it comes to the 44-year-old Israeli-born pitchman, and his trademark predatory grin -- think of Beavis meets velociraptor meets Gremlins' Stripe -- is a yawning window into his soul. The guy's antics can be likened to "The Incredible Tales of Costanza", George's litany of failure designed to out-maneuver an elderly Andrea Doria survivor competing for a coveted NYC apartment. In fact, reading Shlomi's CV should be done as an infomercial, shouted Billy Mays style and interjected with generous sprinklings of "But wait, there's more!"... so let's go right ahead and do that:
Shlomi's first foray into film-making was in 1999 with the execrable "The Underground Comedy Movie", self-budgeted for $20,000 and according to the IMDB, is "a series of comedic short films guaranteed to offend". But wait, there's more! How awful was it? Well, it featured the prodigious comedic talents of Joey Buttafuoco and top-hatted GNR guitarist Slash. According to the New York Post , it "may be the least amusing comedy ever made." But wait, there's even more! Stung by the movie's rejection, Shlomi marketed DVDs of the film in an infomercial and sold 50,000 (some sources say 100,000) copies.
Shlomi then watched There's Something About Mary, was sure the writers stole his best bits, and sued the Farelly brothers and 20th Century Fox for copyright infringement. The court dismissed the case and the Farelly's dismissed Shlomi, stating "We've never heard of him, we've never heard of his movie, and it's all a bunch of baloney." But wait, there's more! Not only did Shlomi lose the case, he was ordered to pay over $66,000 to Fox to cover their legal fees. But wait, there's even more! Shlomi also sued late actress, ex-Playmate, gold-digger and professional bimbo Anna Nicole Smith for breach of contract, asserting Smith backed out of appearing in The Underground Comedy Movie because it would "hurt her career". In related news, it seems Anna Nicole Smith had a career.
Shlomi is an ex-Scientologist, which is not a good thing to be -- it's worse than being a non-ex-Scientologist. Even ex-Muslims have better prospects and they live under a death sentence. But wait, there's more! Shlomi decided to tweak the tiger's tail in 2004 by suing the Church of Scientology and why not, considering his sterling record of legal success. But wait, there's even more! Shlomi claims the COS expelled and subsequently persecuted him because his movie was offensive -- which basically was the entire premise of the movie. Sort of like saying porn flicks are sexy because they feature sex.
Anyway Vince, good luck with the case. Xenu knows I'm rooting for you. I'll even bet that messy South Beach hooker thing was a sham, pardon the pun. Hmm, I wonder... could the whole nasty incident be a convoluted Scientology plot? Was the purported prostitute really a church agent programmed to get Shlomi drunk and then get the police involved? Could this theory be any weirder then the other Incredible Tales of Shlomi? Wait... there'll surely be more!
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Steve Levenstein was born & raised at the then-northern edge of metro Toronto, Canada. Looking through the prism of the suburbs has not only given him a slightly skewed view of society, but has also helped frame the wider world as a series of variations on a theme. Closer to home, Toronto's multicultural mix acts as a rich, vibrant tonic -- an essential elixer that, by putting people out of their place, highlights the common humanity which lies within.
After a 15-year dip in the corporate pool, Steve abandoned the daily commute to focus on his first love, writing, and spending time with his family. Steve's wife of 18 years hails from Tokyo, Japan, and provides a unique window into the delights and diversions of modern Japanese culture while his 2 sons (the younger an established tech blogger in his own right) help keep the house from getting too quiet. Steve writes for a number of respected blogs including InventorSpot, WebUrbanist, Dark Roasted Blend and The Thinking Blog. ...read more rants
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