B-Rant

- submitted by s.becker on 06/15/2009

  

State Supreme Court Commutes 'Stone Cold Creamery' Mass Killer's Sentence

By Steve Becker

Trenton, June 11 -- The State Supreme Court of New Jersey unanimously agreed to commute the life sentence of Ira Shirer, the Cold Stone Creamery Mass Murderer, who has been serving time in the Trenton State Peninentiary since March 2007.

The Court deliberated after hearing an appeal in which the defense argued that Mr. Shirer was "temporarily insane" when he went berzerk inside a Union County Cold Stone Creamery store, killing all seven employees with his bare hands.

Mr. Shirer, witnesses previously testified, left the store (and the scene of the crime) to thunderous applause from the long line of Cold Stone Creamery customers, none of whom interceded as he bashed in the heads of the ice-cream franchise's staff.

Laura Mellore, 41, a homemaker who, against her better judgement ventured into the store that evening with her three kids, said, "The service improved after everyone was killed. Then, the line actually started moving."

Mr. Shirer had been standing in the line for 35 minutes before perpetrating what Chief Justice Lou Wasserman called "a crime that needed to be committed." Wasserman, his co-justices nodding in assent, called Mr. Shirer "a hero" who performed an "invaluable community service."

"Every one of us has snapped, or nearly snapped, inside a Cold Stone Creamery," Justice Wasserman wrote in his majority opinion, calling the ice-cream franchise "a public mental health hazard," and citing independent research that has ranked the experience of entering a Cold Stone Creamery store as higher on the torture scale than "waterboarding" or "being slammed repeatedly against walls while blindfolded."

Judge Wasserman referred to the company's "imbecilic rituals" of protracted ice-cream preparation as "mind-fucking of the highest order."

In addition to freeing Mr. Shirer, the Court awarded him $250 million in punitive damages as "reparations for his pain and suffering," and "to make sure this ghastly franchise goes under."

Mr. Shirer's was the most deadly assault yet perpetrated in a Cold Stone Creamery, resulting in more deaths, and thus more universal accolades, than any previous.

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*Burbia Satire Warning. For those in doubt, yes, this piece is satire. Nothing in it is true...other than the apparent growing outrage -- and collective amazement -- at the consistently & numbingly bad service at most Cold Stone Creamery stores.

Steve Becker, whose fiction and non-fiction has appeared in many publications, has sworn never to visit a Stone Cold Creamery again, despite his kids' persistent pleas. ...read more rants