B-Rant

- submitted by s.levenstein on 07/06/2009

New British Value Meal: Squirrels To Go? For Lunch, Dinner...Late Night Snack

By Steve Levenstein

The fur is about to fly over in Merrye Olde England, land of hereditary royalty, awful food and animal rights crusaders so radical even PETA won't allow them in. All three, in fact, have combined to create a mess as ugly, sticky and distasteful as squirrel pate... which, incidentally, is seen as the solution to one of the most vicious varmint vacillations ever to vex the Sceptered Isle. How's that for a double-segue?

Here's the story in a nutshell: squirrels. Yes squirrels, those cute, fluffy-tailed critters who enliven our woodlands, parks, even our suburban yards. These quiet and unassuming nut-gatherers have managed to get along quite well with humans -- they don't bother us and we don't bother them.

In Great Britain, however, things are rather different. North America is home to bushy Gray squirrels and smaller, sleeker Black squirrels. They seem to get along just fine, just like ivory & ebony. England's native Red squirrels are NOT doing fine, unfortunately, as pushy Grays imported back in 1870 have got them on the run. This offends the sensitivity and sensibility of the refined English folke, who have decided drastic measures must be taken in order to defend and protect the "beautiful, mystical little creatures" from the bullying, intolerant Grays The latest step is...eating them.

Now this is quite the climbdown for the aristocratic Brits. Mention "eating squirrels" and what comes to mind is Cousin Jethro rustling up some tasty frontier stew for Uncle Jed & Granny. Just HOW the Brits are offing the wascally varmints isn't at all clear -- Jethro would use his trusty blunderbuss (named Bessy); one would imagine the bloodthirsty Redcoats organizing a squirrel hunt complete with horns, horses and hounds. It's the logical route to take now that fox-hunting's been banned, and look who's leading the charge: none other than HRH Prince Charles himself.

What I really want to see are Chuck & Camilla putting their mouths where their money is: by biting the heads off a couple of captured Grays, Ozzy Osbourne-style. Ozzy's British by the way -- explains a lot, doesn't it?

Only around 22,000 Grays have been exterminated in England's furry final solution so far; not a lot considering there are about 3.3 million rampaging Grays in the UK versus a mere 160,000 of the sweet, innocent Reds. The limeys really need to sharpen the knives and go all Henry VIII on them already.

They've made a brave start: some of the squirrel recipes which have found favor of late include pate made by Jenny Whitham of Patchwork Pate in North Wales. Whitham whips up a heapin' helpin' of her popular pate by pureeing squirrel meat, chicken livers and hazelnut liqueur. Nice touch, the latter... what goes together better than squirrels and nuts?

"People have really loved it," crows Whitham, though one must keep in mind Britain's fearful reputation for foul cuisine. Compared to yet another dreary dinner of boiled Kleenex, pickled eels, kidney pie and the odd bat head, squirrel pate sounds mighty toothsome. Well Doggies!!... er, make that Tally Ho!!

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Steve Levenstein was born & raised at the then-northern edge of metro Toronto, Canada. Looking through the prism of the suburbs has not only given him a slightly skewed view of society, but has also helped frame the wider world as a series of variations on a theme. Closer to home, Toronto's multicultural mix acts as a rich, vibrant tonic -- an essential elixer that, by putting people out of their place, highlights the common humanity which lies within.

After a 15-year dip in the corporate pool, Steve abandoned the daily commute to focus on his first love, writing, and spending time with his family. Steve's wife of 18 years hails from Tokyo, Japan, and provides a unique window into the delights and diversions of modern Japanese culture while his 2 sons (the younger an established tech blogger in his own right) help keep the house from getting too quiet. Steve writes for a number of respected blogs including InventorSpot, WebUrbanist, Dark Roasted Blend and The Thinking Blog.

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What a cliched piece of

- submitted by Anonymous on 07/12/2009

What a cliched piece of writing. Good god man which century are you living in? But then again you are writing for lard-arsed Yanks who find Sesame Street intellectually challenging.

Squirrels

- submitted by Neil on 07/14/2009

Actually rather than make a joke of it, the arrival of imported larger and more aggressive American grey squirrels has led to a drastic fall in numbers of the native Red Squirrel.

This is because the American cousins not only chase smaller reds from their natural habitat, they deliberately target male Red Squirrels and bite their balls off!

I'm not joking.

This is actually true.

Check it out if you don't believe me!

Neil

What a load of shit. You get

- submitted by Nick on 07/24/2009

What a load of shit. You get paid to turn out this drivel??

"Looking through the prism of the suburbs has not only given him a slightly skewed view of society, but has also helped frame the wider world as a series of variations on a theme."

If this is an example of your 'world view', you best stay indoors and have a wank mate.

Stop the mass-murderers of the adorable gray squirrels!

- submitted by Flanker on 08/12/2009

Hands off the adorable gray squirrels, you despicable barbarians in Great Britain! The real reason you barbarians kill those beautiful-in-and-out animals is your animosity toward the American people. You barbarians consider those valuable animals the AMERICAN INVASION!

In terms of human depravity eating squirrels is just one step below cannibalism.

The gray squirrels DO NOT eradicate the super-adorable red squirrels. Red squirrels simply run away from the grays, as the latter are stronger genetically. The way to preserve the reds is to focus ON THEM, not to focus murderously on the grays. The number one killer of the squirrels are the bandit-drivers on the streets and roads. Conduct an educational campaign for them to stop killing squirrels. Put up “STOP for squirrels” road signs. Exterminate natural killers of squirrels – raccoons, hawks, falcons, eagles, etc. Protect and feed everywhere the adorable squirrels; ALL OF THEM!

You are lucky squirrel-murdering bandits I don’t live in your decadent country. If I caught you killing squirrels, it would be YOU who would be hunted by me, after being given one warning to stop.