The Conversation...
(Home Center -- Worcester MA)

Guy: (places small battery powered screw driver on counter)
Cashier: Would you like the 2-year warranty on that?
Guy: This costs $15.00.
Cashier: (nods)
Guy: How much is the warranty?
Cashier: (looks at sheet of paper) $15.95
Guy: (shakes his head, part disbelief)
Cashier: (looks again at paper) I could give you 3 years for $18.95.

B-Take
We like this one because we've experienced this kind of absurdity and (indirect) scamming ourselves.* You go to Circuit City or Best Buy or Home Depot, wherever, you buy something modest (a pair of head phones, a portable audio player...a screw driver set) and the cashier, after demanding your home address & phone number, tries to sell you a "valuable" store warranty that costs almost as much as the thing you just bought.

Recently, we went on our own little shopping expedition to check things out, have some "fun." At a nearby Circuit City we bought a radio for around $25.00. The cashier – yes, she wanted our home address and phone number; we said, no, asked for hers; she said no but offered us a pleasant smile….Anyway, she offered us a warranty for the "specially" discounted price (this week only) of $20.00+. We laughed and asked the cashier, did she think that was a good value? She said, "yes, you never know when your radio will break and this protects you." We then said, "don't you think it would make more sense if, when the radio broke (almost certainly after the warranty expired), we just bought a new one at this price?" She shook her head, then smiled, then said, "no, not at all, this gives you important protection."**

Next came another electronics emporium (a competitor of Circuit City), just a couple streets down. There we bought a telephone on sale for $19.99. Our offer from the cashier? A year warranty for between $15.00 and $30.00. There too we laughed. We asked the cashier, does he think this is a good value? He said, probably not. (Huh, good; we were pleasantly surprised.) He added, it's a much better value if you get the 3 year warranty; it's more expensive but it will cover you longer. We said, you think it's sensible for us to get a store warranty on a piece of crap phone that costs more than the phone itself? He explained, you're missing the point; the point is to be insured and the longer you are, the more secure you are. We declined the insurance.

After buying the phone, though, we stood back away from the check-out counter and watched people go through with their purchases. Here's the thing. You figure – we figured – look, offering these warranties (at least for low cost products that clearly don't need them) is slimey, another way for these big stores to try to hose customers; but, really, no one would actually buy the "special" warranty protections, right? So, end of day, no one is really being hurt.

Except, it's not true. Some people went through the registers and declined the "protection." (In fairness, "protection" wasn't offered every time.) A couple people actually told a cashier to screw himself, after he wouldn't accept their "no" without trying to change their minds. But 3 people got suckered into the insurance. Two were relatively elderly customers – one bought a cheap radio of some kind, the other a cheap table lamp. The third was a guy in his 20s who inexplicably bought a warranty for what appeared to be a package of mouse pads. We're thinking, what the f**k, how stupid can this nimrod be? (Even if it wasn't mouse pads the price was low, so almost any warranty wouldn't make sense.)

So, when another person – an elderly man – went through and seemed ready to buy a warranty on a basic corded telephone (the half life of which is probably longer than uranium), we couldn't help ourselves. We stepped in. Basically, ignoring the cashier, we said to the customer, you don't need this: it's crazy, what are you thinking, trust us, etc. He looked interested in what we were saying, though a little confused. Then the cashier told us to get lost. (Can't blame him. We were interfering and, from his point of view, being pains in the asses.) We told him, the cashier, this warranty thing is BS, you know this guy doesn't need it, just let him go.

The cashier, a pretty big guy with a shaved head and some tats on one of his arms, was getting pissed. (Again, understandable really.) He started walking around the counter toward us. Then the assistant store manager came by (what, tough guy baldy pressed a secret "assistant manager button" underneath the counter?). We explained to the manager what we were doing. He said pretty politely, "you're confused," customer protection plans "only protect the customers." We suggested how in this instance, for example, they didn't. This one made no sense; it was a rip-off and, we said in an effort to placate him and make him feel like an ally, we're guessing you (asst manager) didn't know what was going on and would want to be made aware.

He immediately asked us to leave. (So much for our Psych 101, how to turn potential adversaries into friends nonsense.) We said, no, we're not finished shopping yet. He asked us again and we said, all we want is an explanation…do you (does store or corporate management) think it's appropriate to be aggressively offering these kinds of nonsensical warranties, especially to people who may not get how utterly stupid and scam-driven they are?

He said, if we had questions we could contact the general customer service department, online or by phone. We said, look… and then 3 security guards appeared and "escorted" us (the asst manager's word, "escort") out of the store.

We made a few more stops to a variety of other store chains, most with with similar outcomes. An exception: In one store, the cashier completely supported us. She admitted it was a scam ("offering" insurance so indiscriminately); she hated doing it, some workers had even protested; but, if you want your job, you do what you're told. She said in cases that are especially "egregious" (our word) she just didn't do it. (Apparently her standard of "egregious" is pretty narrow; minutes later we saw her sell "insurance" to some idiot guy for what looked like a bicycle lock, a single twisted piece of reinforced steel that looked like it would require a nuclear blast to damage.)

We have no problem at all with stores offering these warranties – on products that "warrant" them. Big or costly products that tend to break down or where the warranty cost is reasonable in relation to the purchase price. But in too many other circumstances, the warranty programs are laughable -- or would be if they didn't hose so many inattentive, unfocused, easily manipulated or just plain stupid customers. (Also, while not all stores do this, even all stores within the same chain, enough do to make it disturbing.)

What's next? We left some messages on voice mail machines at some of the bigger companies, asking to speak with the managers in the corporate offices. So far, we've received no replies. We did manage to talk to a lower level person at one place who assured us it was against company policy to offer warranties for items for which "they clearly weren't appropriate." Yea, and the examples we gave him? Atypical, he said. Warranties in those circumstances "probably" wouldn't be called for; of course, it's hypothetical -- he's received no specific customer complaints for his stores; plus, if customers voluntarily request warranties (even if illogical) the store certainly wants to accomodate them -- after all, he said, the company prides itself on "customer service, customers first."

We'll continue to follow up....

We'll also ask some other "hard" (or amusing, irritating) questions on other topics. For example -- yes, changing the subject a bit -- recently we contacted Radio Shack about its new company logo-tag line. Not long ago, Radio Shack proudly featured, "you've got questions, we've got answers." Of course, if there were a national retail chain whose store employees had fewer answers than Radio Shack, it has yet to be identified. Apparently Radio Shack management finally tired of the ongoing ridicule. (Truly mail, press, many customers were scathing.) ... "You've got questions?...You'd have better luck finding answers down the street at the neighborhood pre-school…or animal shelter."

So, Radio Shack's latest "new" tag line? "Do Stuff." What the f*** does that mean, especially in relation to a 3^rd rate electronics store like Radio Shack. Do stuff? – i.e., ask the sales person a question and when he answers with something stupid or ignorant, ask him again, and again, and…

Anyway, we haven't heard back from Radio Shack. But, in fairness, it's possible they still haven't figured out how to use their voice mail – voice mail is pretty complicated – and, if they asked their store employees for help, they may well be still pressing randomly all those cool flashing buttons and lights, getting nowhere, but having a great, really great, amazing time with all this cool new technology.

[*We can't verify that the actual dialogue took place exactly as written. It was sent by a person we know who is, from past experience, honest. On the other hand, even if it's not word for word verbatim, the concept & point are legit; it's something we and many have experienced and, on top of all that, it's pretty amusing--from our POV, never a bad thing.]

[** Of course, something stores often fail to communicate: A lot of electronics items come with manufacturers' warranties. So, if the manufacturer covers a year or 2, or even less, the value of the store warranty is that much diminished, sometimes completely negated.]