B-Rant

- submitted by b-team on 08/13/2007

Things We Really Don't Like, Around The 'Neighborhood'

  1. Neighbors Who Talk (Constantly) About Their Lawns
    We really don't give a rat's butt that your lawn is a more brilliant "evenly presenting" green this year than last. Your trick for keeping dandelions away? Ditto--don't give a sh*t. Your "unexpected success" at turf building without fertilizer...your difficulty in keeping your soil moist...your invention of a "more robust" insect resistant grass blade...? Wow. We're so bored. We're begging you. Please. Just shut the f**k up.
  2. Roofers
    Do they all go to the same school (i.e., middle school) right before becoming roofers...in which they learn how to be surly, uncommunicative, unshaven and incomprehensibly full of themselves? And where do they get the sweat shirt all of them wear, that faded, dirt-stained, partially torn hoody with the college emblem on the front...a college, of course, they never attended because for them school ended with 10th grade shop.
  3. Mulch
    Has any substance more foul smelling ever been dumped so often on neighborhood properties without provoking protest, riots, calling in of EPA hazmat teams?
  4. No Left Turn Signs
    We're old enough to learn which day is for glass recycling and which is for paper, well most of the time we remember. Aren't we old enough to decide if we can make a left turn?
  5. Neighbor Hot Tub Parties
    If we wanted to see overweight walrus-like mammals parading around nude and braying unintelligibly we'd turn on Animal Planet. And if we wanted to see those animals guzzling beer, vomiting and copulating we'd subscribe to the Spice Networks Fetish (ugly fat people f**king) channel.
  6. Squirrels
    Can they ever just once make up their minds? Either cross the f**king street or don't; but don't start, stop, stare at us, start again, stop. We'd prefer not to run you over. But you make it impossible. Squirrels are not the #1 road kill animal for no reason. Possibly the stupidest animals in history (other than our idiot neighbors--see #6 below).
  7. Neighbors Who, Against All Evidence, Continue To Think They're Our Best Friends
    What part of, NO we don't like you, don't you get? Stop inviting us over, stop asking if we want to vacation with you, stop coming by all the time, stop talking to us, stop looking at us. You bore us, don't interest us, make us want to throw up we can't stand you so much. Just. Pretend. We. Don't. Exist.
  8. Yard Sales
    Don't towns have public dumps for this kind of stuff?
  9. Stone Driveways
    What, you went broke right before the driveway guys were about to start paving? Or, you think those 1000s of loose blue-gray stones all over your driveway (and constantly blowing into our yard!) make your house look country rustic, even though you're 0.3 miles from the mall and 0.6 from Rt. 100 and 4 Circuit Citys and 3 Olive Gardens?
  10. MINI Coopers
    Buy a car for Chrissakes. You're embarrassing yourself.
  11. 4-Way Stop Sign Intersections
    So, the town is trying to cause car accidents? OK, you go first, then the guy in the blue car; then us, then...no, wait, you, guy in the red, you're not supposed to go; it's the other guy's turn; sh*t, hold on, you're going to hit us; f**k, you did hit us, m-f**ker...Didn't you see (know, divine telepathically), you were supposed to go 3rd, not 2nd; it was clearly our turn. And now we're going to be late and get more traffic points and our insurance is going to cost more than our f**king rent, all because you, you stupid stupid (stupid) idiot couldn't navigate through this very simple unmarked chaotic anarchic dizzying maze.

[Part 2...Coming Soon]

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So funny about squirrels,

- submitted by squirrelygirl on 08/13/2007

So funny about squirrels, seems like they're programmedd to jump in the street the second you decide to go forward. Death wish!

Love this. What about meter

- submitted by Anonymous on 08/13/2007

Love this. What about meter maids? They suck.


We have neighbors who do the

- submitted by hottubhell on 08/13/2007

We have neighbors who do the hot tub. they're So gross. Fat and loud. They drink. It's like being at a freak show. We've complained and they do nothing. We're about to take things to another level. My husband is planning to do something, I'm afraid to know wha


Same with us, hottubhell.

- submitted by nohot on 08/13/2007

Same with us, hottubhell. You'd think these fat pigs would have enough shame to keep their grossness inside their housess. We've called the police a couple times. Just lame insisnensitive people!


Yard sales = junk sale.

- submitted by Anonymous on 08/13/2007

Yard sales = junk sale. Can't believe some of my friends do it then expect us to go and buy things, They'ree insane, like we want their 30 year old high chair.


KNow what you jmean about

- submitted by Anonymous on 08/13/2007

KNow what you jmean about squirrels but raccoons are worse, They're viscious too.


I had to tell our neighbors

- submitted by badneighbor on 08/13/2007

I had to tell our neighbors that we just didn't like them too. And they still didn't "hear" us, they constantly invite us to do things, tell people wes're great friends. It's like they're psycho. We're even thinking of moving so we can have somed peace.


I can't stand mulch. It's

- submitted by Anonymous on 08/13/2007

I can't stand mulch. It's sick sick. I thoughtt i was the only one even though eveyrbody knows it stinks. My number 1 hate of living in suburbia.


Our neighbors are literally

- submitted by neighborhater on 08/13/2007

Our neighbors are literally insane. They think we're best friends even though we never see them, refvuse all invites and my husband and both told them separately we don't want to do antyhing with them. Where do these people come from, how did they get this way. Itd would be funny if it weren't so annyoying.


I know about roofers. They

- submitted by roofer on 08/13/2007

I know about roofers. They are like that. I datedd one, he was a comnplete sleaze and he did always wear a hodded sweatshirt. I'd try to get him to wear something else. It was like asking him to take his army uniform off. Hello, this is the real world.


Roofers we just had come

- submitted by leakingroofer on 08/13/2007

Roofers we just had come over werealso like that. It was so funny except they were jerks. They barely spoke, they acted thyey were doing us the biggest favor. 2 of 3 of them also were wearing the sweatshirts. They must be unhappy in their jobs but that's not our problem


n order of stupidity (most

- submitted by IQtester on 08/13/2007

n order of stupidity (most toi least):

1. roofers 2. squierrels 3. gutter people 4. electricians


Wow, I've never seen so many

- submitted by Anonymous on 08/13/2007

Wow, I've never seen so many "roofer-haters." Maybe you should take some DIY classes on roofing. They aren't all like that.


my neighbors never shut up

- submitted by Anonymous on 08/13/2007

my neighbors never shut up and always talk about their lawn. we've told them nicely to give us a break. it's like they're sick. now when i see them coming i just turn around. f-them, you know?