- submitted by asovona on 10/24/2009
An Open Letter To The Geese Who Live In My Neighborhood
By Anthony Savona*
Dear...Geese: Yes, I am aware that living in the suburbs brings me closer to nature -- it's one of the big pluses of living out here. You, however, are getting a little too close.
It's not that you're not cute. Waddling around with your partner from my front yard to my neighbors and so on around the block, you're downright adorable. Your poop, however, not so much. And "not so much" in terms of cuteness. Soooo much in terms of quantity.
Having golfed before, I was familiar with the ample size and impressive amount of your droppings. However, unlike a golf course, I have no greenskeeper, so when my yard fills up with your crap, it's on me to clean it. And I do mean "on me," or more accurately, on my sneakers.
I have no idea if you can drop those things while flying, and, until I know for sure, I refuse to look up until late autumn, when you are defiling lands down south.
It also appears that, in honking, you geese lack any type of volume control. Your partner is right next to you, and yet you honk at Metallica-level decibels. Just because you see my wife doing it to me is no reason to think you need to do it. Be your own goose.
And I appreciate your caution while crossing the street, but the idea is to exercise that before crossing -- not during. I know you see me sitting there in my car and I swear you walk even slower. Especially when you are dead-center in the road and I can't get around you on either side.
I cannot vouch for your safety any longer. The other day, after I finished the extra large Dunkin' Donuts coffee and stood on a potty-less football field for two hours watching my son play, your slow-ass waddling in front of my driveway -- mere feet from my relief -- was not appreciated.
Finally, I must direct your attention to the protected wetlands areas that are right behind my property. You and your kind have lived there pretty well for many years, and I see no reason why you need to hang on my lawn.
Come by. Visit briefly. Let my kids not lose the novelty of seeing you. They love seeing the rabbit that lives nearby because it's a rare treat, not a driveway-blocking, spouse yelling, poop machine.
Sincerely,
Anthony Savona
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*Anthony Savona is a regular contributor to Burbia. You can check out his other pieces in his Burbia Blog.
If you take John Mellencamp's (or whatever he was called back then) song "Small Town," and changed the "small town" lyric to "suburbs," then you'd pretty much get Anthony Savona's life. Born and raised in the 'burbs, Anthony currently raises his family in suburbia and works in the Big City as Editorial and Creative Director for a mid-sized B2B publishing company.
If you Google his name (or the variation "Tony Savona"), he is the one credited with the book Console Confessions and the magazines EQ, Surround Professional, Car Sound & Performance, and so on. He is not the one involved in any class action lawsuits, the "DC Application Details" (whatever that is), or the Office Manager for Office of the Prime Minister (who really seems to be a Tony Savona that has made something of himself).
His essays have appeared in GQ magazine (a long time ago, but it still counts) and director Kevin Smith's unfortunately named entertainment news site, Movie Poop Shoot (now the less scatologically named Quick Stop Entertainment). ...read more rants
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