B-Rant

- submitted by s.levenstein on 10/27/2009

  

Vegetarian Spiders Discovered. What's Next, Carnivore Cows!?

By Steve Levenstein

The announcement of a new type of spider has rocked the world... not the real world, the INTERNET world, where spiders are a popular subject for some odd reason. Maybe because we can deal with their hair-raising creepiness if we only see them on our screens (and not ON our screens, if you know what I mean).

Anyway, this new type of spider stands out because it's a vegetarian, and that just seems so wrong. What's the world coming to when the 8-legged freaks turn their roughly bristled noses up at meat; even though it's bug-meat?

Spiders are carnivores, dammit, and shudderingly icky ones at that. Now this meek, mild, "herbivorous" spider comes along and not even Miss Muffet would vacate her tuffet should it deign to sit down beside her.

No my friend, plant-eating spiders do not belong in The World As I See It. What's next, carnivore cows? Though yes, I did see a YouTube video once that seemed to show a dairy cow snarfling up a wayward chicken. That's OK, it was an isolated incident, not the emergence of a new Jersey that could hold its own in New Jersey.

We need our spiders to be baddass because it adds structure to our worldview. Captioning pics of smiley-face spiders with "Oh Hai!" just won't cut the mustard unless we know that, in reality, said spider is really just luring us in for the ugly, messy kill. "Oh Bai!"

Think it's just me? You're wrong, and the proof is in the pop culture. Superman has Supergirl, Batman has Batgirl, Spiderman has... nada. There is no Spidergirl! Closest thing I can come up with is that "Kiss Of The Spider Woman" movie, but there weren't any actual Spider Women scuttling about and it was really more of a chick flick anyway.

Besides, an actual Spider Woman would just freak out guys who already feel entangled in a matrimonial web of social engagements, family outings, visits to the in-laws and, sigh, chick flicks. Hollywood ain't going near the concept either, with not even a female version of Tobey Maguire's dude in a spidey suit on the radar. It's just too close to some hellish human-spider combo like the horrible transgenic entity from The Fly... and you can choose either the 1958 fly-head-on-human-body version or the drooling, sweaty, Jeff Goldblum version.

So vegetarian spider, to you I say, take a hike back to the arachnid closet and slam the door shut. Keep your unsavory, un-spiderlike eating habits to yourself. We want our spiders to be, well, not exactly manly but capable of inducing cold sweat and clammy hands in the most macho of men.

Go ahead, spiders, hang from the ceiling on an invisible thread so we can walk into you and yelp like a little girl. C'mon, stare us down with those half-dozen beady eyes (WTF is up with that, anyway?). Feel free to wait in our girlfriends' darkened bathroom, so she can leap into our arms with raised goosebumps -- or whatever they're called these days -- shrieking "Kill It Kill It Kill It!! Arachnophobia is a two-way street, y'know. Get with the program and do your part, spiders, so we can do ours.

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Steve Levenstein was born & raised at the then-northern edge of metro Toronto, Canada. Looking through the prism of the suburbs has not only given him a slightly skewed view of society, but has also helped frame the wider world as a series of variations on a theme. Closer to home, Toronto's multicultural mix acts as a rich, vibrant tonic -- an essential elixer that, by putting people out of their place, highlights the common humanity which lies within.

After a 15-year dip in the corporate pool, Steve abandoned the daily commute to focus on his first love, writing, and spending time with his family. Steve's wife of 18 years hails from Tokyo, Japan, and provides a unique window into the delights and diversions of modern Japanese culture while his 2 sons (the younger an established tech blogger in his own right) help keep the house from getting too quiet. Steve writes for a number of respected blogs including InventorSpot, WebUrbanist, Dark Roasted Blend and The Thinking Blog 
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