B-Rant

- submitted by J.Glarsten on 11/29/2009

  

In The Matter Of... WTF, Your Hot Coffee Is Actually Hot!

Saw this sign at my coffee shop the other day. It wasn't there last week. It's placed around the hot coffee station. You can only get to this station after you've intentionally ordered, paid for and received the cup for your hot coffee. It's not just a warning -- it's a how-to...for whom? Imbeciles? Coffee drinking 3-year olds? Oh wait, no...a-holes who retain lawyers.

Two weeks before, there was an incident. The owner calls it "the incident before".

A woman, a regular, spilled some coffee on her arm and screamed bloody murder. I was there. She was simultaneously on the phone and using her blackberry -- and yelling at her kid -- while pouring herself the coffee and putting on a lid. It spilled. It probably hurt her arm for a second. She went rip-sh*t. Bad day? Bad life? Pond-scum opportunist? She threatened the staff, the owner; she threatened some of the customers -- like me -- who urged her to calm down. Actually she slapped me on the shoulder. It hurt. (Hmm...that gives me an idea.)

A week later, according to the owner, he received a letter from a lawyer. The woman had retained a lawyer. Because she had spilled her own coffee. The owner showed me the letter. (He wouldn't let me copy it.) The lawyer letter -- headlined, "In Re Matter Of Regretable Coffee Incident And Negligence At Café..." - threatened a lawsuit. It demanded damages, and fair "compensation for pain and suffering and bodily injury". It reserved all rights, "including without limitation the right to punitive damages, equitable relief -- [what would be equitable, hanging this idiot from the ceiling by her PDA case strap?] -- and any damages deemed fair and just by the court of competent jurisdiction."

The owner says he first thought it was a joke from a friend. It wasn't. The lawyer wanted a meeting. The owner got his own lawyer. His own lawyer said it was ridiculous -- no sh*t -- but you have to take these things seriously. He advised the owner to warn customers in advance about the hot coffee. The owner thought that was a joke. It wasn't. The warning is this new sign. (It actually doesn't seem so new, lots of stains, etc; but maybe that's the intended effect, or maybe the owner in a rage spilled coffee all over it himself. Or, it came from somebody's basement or warehouse, like the lawyer's, because I can't see the owner going out and buying one.)

The woman has actually returned to the coffee shop, to buy coffee. The owner's lawyer advised him to continue to serve and treat her like a regular customer and, for example, not to poison her or empty a vat of scalding pig fat on her head while she stirs the sugar.

But the owner has refused. He's stationed a kitchen person at the front door and, if she shows up, he asks her to leave. The first or second time (maybe more), she refused. She came in and was refused service. She yelled, made a few threats. Customers yelled at her, a lot more loudly, and she left. The lawyer says it would be better if the owner played nice. The owner says, f*** that. Most of us agree (though we're not lawyers...thankfully). 

Conversations between the parties are ongoing. The owner says he will go out of business before paying her a cent. Maybe after I sue her for assault -- now that I think about it, my arm and shoulder are really stiff...in fact I can barely move my neck, and my limbs, all the important ones, feel numb... -- maybe then she'll withdraw her claim and compensate the owner in the only way reasonable...by never showing her face again in the coffee shop and getting the help (from a shrink, doubling her meds, whatever) she obviously needs. 

Meanwhile, we've got instructions on how to pour and cover our coffee cup. I particularly like the first part -- place one hand around the cup (as opposed to both hands?) and the 2nd hand on the lid (because if we place both hands on the cup, hmm, we'd have to use our foot on the lid?...). I know, I get the point. Sad and crazy. And too common. ...read more rants